The Lovely's!

A Year

2011-12-31T18:40:00.001-08:00

A lot happens over the course of a year. A lot happened in my life in 2011. I look back and I see healing, triumph, failures, fun, sadness, more healing, new friendships, new jobs, new career focus, new community to be a part of. So much of my life is still the same. I'm still trying to get back up on my feet, still trying to gain my freedom to move forward, still discovering losses I never knew existed, although those are fewer and further between.

I look at 2011 as my year of healing and I'm embracing 2012 as my year for rebuilding. I have redefined my life focus for the time being. I'm simplifying my life to revolve solely on my walk with Jesus, my daughter, my finances, and my future stability. I'm taking a social sabbatical to focus on these things and these things alone. I'm going to try to update on my blog, but will be omitting Facebook here in a week or so. I won't be in a tremendous amount of communication with any form of social circle, because that is outside my focus. I'm excited for my rebuilding period. I'm excited to see who I will be at the end of this next chapter. I'm getting stronger and stronger and I'm loving myself more every day.

Horses

2011-12-31T17:19:00.001-08:00

After 3 years of absorbing life around her, Lily has finally found something that she is passionate about. Horses. She absolutely loves horses. She dreams of riding a big horse one day. Her favorite show is a cartoon about horses called Horseland and her favorite movie is Flicka. She talks all day about horses. She imagines she is a horse and gallops around. She rides on the back of me pretending I am a horse. We have 2 dogs in the house and she puts saddles on them. The saddle is a long strip of toilet paper. She renames the dogs, giving them horse names. Our dog, Peaches is Calypso when wearing the saddle. I found her the very best pair of cowboys boots that she loves. She slept with them the first night she got them. She also received some little tiny horses that look real and she loves those. Along with a bigger horse that came with a Barbie. She has a stick horse that she rides around the house. As we drive to and from work every day, passing big open fields she looks for horses. She doesn't just look for any horse, she hopes to see a wild horse. It will be my goal to get her some where this spring to ride a big horse. If the passion continues I would love to get her riding lessons and even possibly owning a horse and caring for it. I am so excited she found a passion. I never in my wildest dreams imagined her to love horses.

How Many Times Must One Trip...

2011-08-15T11:38:00.000-07:00

Before they finally stop to remove what they are tripping over?

This is the question I've been asking myself lately. I was on this super charged high for quite a while. I was feeling Jesus around me every where I went and in all that I did and said. It was such an amazing feeling. A little over a month ago God really started to speak to me on obedience. He showed me how in my past I have lacked pure, 100% obedience and that is what lead to the collapse of my marriage. I have made every decision in my life hastily and from my own head. I have prayed, but never truly listened. I never truly heard God's voice or let the Spirit lead me. So, since the end of my marriage and after a great amount of suffering I finally surrendered all that I am and all that I have to God. Everything was going really well and I felt more alive and more complete than I had in my entire life. I was praying and receiving confirmation on every single area of my life. There was one moment in church one night where I was worshiping and I had this vision of me physically throwing all of my cares up to God while I physically felt Jesus' arms around me and His hands were holding my arms as I was tossing each care, one by one to God. It was such an amazing feeling. At that moment after my vision I felt complete peace. I still haven't felt the burden of those cares I tossed up to God. I was on this high of feeling God's presence for a while and I was feeling so good that I, somehow forgot that it takes work to keep that connection. Like in any relationship, you have to do the work to stay connected. So over a 2 week period I began to lose that feeling. God was there alright, nudging me. I let Satan get in yet again. I failed to let God write my life plan and began to make my own decisions again. About a month ago God really spoke to me about letting Him write the story of my life. He gave me visions of how my life would be if I let Him do the writing. It was a beautiful story. One I was so excited to be a part of. In fact, I started journaling the story because it was just that amazing. God clearly told me that if I was not obedient then He would pull the plug on this beautiful story. I am not sure where my head was, but when I started taking the control back of my own life God truly did strip that story from my heart. He removed all the signs and evidence of this story ever coming true. I was knocked right on my butt. I was devastated to say the least. I was again brought before God and questioned on my obedience. I had to answer to God about that and I FINALLY understand that when God told me to be obedient, He really did mean it. I am ready to put my own strength behind me and truly surrender all that I have and all that I am to God for the last time! I am ready to give my self and my selfish desires up for a life written by God. I have no idea if the original story will be brought back. God did say it would come true if I was obedient and I was not. So, time will only tell if He will bring that back to me if I make this turn around and keep myself connected to Jesus. I pray He does bring it back. But, I do know that He alone knows best. I will find joy in whatever God brings me in my life.

2011-06-04T00:48:00.000-07:00

Hey readers. How have you been? I have been without a computer for a few weeks. My netbook was infested with a nasty virus. But, it's fixed now thanks to a friend of mine. All I had to do was bring him and his fabulous family dinner. Score!

On a serious note...I've been doing a lot of thinking about my thoughts. What is that called, metacognition? Thinking about my thinking. Anyway, in the last 6 months I have not once looked back and missed my marriage. How sad is that? I would think that I would miss it, miss my husband, miss being married. Nope. My pain, anger, sadness, etc has been over what he did to me, not what I lost. I wrote out all of my loses and the main one, the lose of losing the husband himself, is actually more of a gain. What makes me sad is the realization that I never had a loving marriage. Neither of us loved each other to the core. You know that deep, solid, unconditional love, the can be seen from the outside by everyone around? That love of being on the same team, embracing each other with adoration, the pleasure of bringing joy to the other? The love that is backed by deep passion? I've loved only one person to the core romantically and that person was not my husband, not the person I created life with. What makes me sad, is seeing couples that have that "to the core love" and knowing that I didn't. Knowing that I didn't love him to the core before I married him. I loved him, but it wasn't to the core, it wasn't with every fiber of my being. I thought his claimed loyalty and my surface love would be enough. Lesson learned.

Acceptance and a clear focus

2011-04-03T01:43:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty tired of living a life on the surface, always pretending to be someone I'm not. I've spent my entire life living on the surface and more than that I lived my entire life begging to be accepted by other people. I remember a couple instances from my childhood. In my church I was one of the only kids that came from a single parent household. My mom did such an amazing job giving my brother and I the best life she could. I'm proud of my mom and I'm proud of how I was raised. But, I never felt fully accepted by my peers at church. I was in constant competition with the other girls. The other girls weren't competing, but I was. I wanted to be like them, to have a mom and a dad like them, to dress like them and have nice things like them. In my quest to be like them I worked really hard to learn as many memory verses as the other top girls in Sunday school. I would memorize and recite, but didn't truly learn what the memory verses were telling me. I did it to get the sticker or whatever the reward was. I did it for acceptance from my peers, not to truly learn the word of God, thus getting to know God, Himself. The other story is quite similar, in that it's another story of me wanting acceptance. This time, the setting is the public school I attended. My peers at school noticed I was different. I didn't say bad words, I was a good kid, always listened to and followed directions. One day out on the field I was surrounded by a group of my friends and they decided to point out that I didn't swear. So, they dared me. All of them. Now, maybe this doesn't seem to be that big of a deal, but I desperately wanted to be accepted so after a few minutes of prodding and persisting, I said my first swear word. It felt so weird to say. Unnatural. Anyway, I'm sure most kids and adults crave for the acceptance of others. But, as a child of God, the only acceptance I should have needed or wanted should have been God's acceptance and I already had that. I had that when He sent His son to die for me. The meaning behind that goes deeper when you have your own children. Could I send my own child to die, even if it is for the salvation of the all the people of the world? It would be tough, but I'm not God. I won't ever have to be faced with that decision.

The sad part about both those stories, is those were just the beginning of my need, my desire to find acceptance. I've been desperate for acceptance since my childhood and it has lead me to some very unhealthy choices. So, as this new year begins my focus will be on embracing God's love for my life, accepting myself and loving myself. This is where the social sabbatical comes in. I want only to nurture and strengthen my relationship with Jesus and my relationship with my daughter. I want to eat healthy, remain active, read, have quiet time daily. I don't have a lot of expectations. Just commitment to what is right in front of me.

Constantly Checking

2011-03-08T23:13:00.000-08:00

I've been feeling pretty well lately emotionally. Not to say I don't get emotional, because I certainly do. I just feel like I have my emotions in check. I still feel like I'm on roller coaster, but the roller coaster is one I've ridden on a thousand times so while it's still a rush, I recognize when the big drops are about to hit. Does that make sense? I feel like maybe this is all a little too good to be true. I feel like I should be a little more of a mess than I am. So, I'm constantly checking emotions. I find them so I know they are there. I guess that makes me think that I really do have them in check. I feel like if I didn't then I would be in a denial state and wouldn't be able to locate my emotions so easily. I feel like God has delivered me from a lot of the hurt. I don't feel like I'm in turmoil or that my life is a complete mess. I don't feel like I'm going to be a bitter old maid for my life. I have peace and hope for my future. I know that God has big plans for my life and I can rejoice in that. I find myself wondering when it's all going to come crashing down on me though. When I'm suddenly going to realize I'm not as stable as I thought. Maybe it comes in spurts and right now I'm on the upper end. But maybe next week I will go back down. I don't know. I just know that I'm constantly on guard with my emotions because I don't want to mask them. I want to heal authentically and completely. I know that I have a long way to go with my healing, I just feel hopeful, like I can find joy even through the hard times. That alone was a difficult idea even just 2 weeks ago. I'm still doing my best to take it one day at a time, but I find it so easy to take a couple at a time when the single days have been so good lately.

Might as well dream a little. Right?

2011-03-06T12:39:00.001-08:00

For my future, I have a man picked out. I have some specific guidelines for traits of the next man I let into my life. Or should I say the FIRST man, because clearly the last wasn't an actual man, but a boy. Moving on. I thought I would share who my dream man is. I have created a list and in reality, the next person will NEED to meet most items on my checklist. I compromised before and never again will I compromise. I want what I want and if I don't find it, then I'm better off being alone. Some of this is all fun and games, so humor me a bit. I'm indulging in a fantasy for just one moment.

My LIST (in no particular order):
1. Passionate about Jesus in every way. Desires to be a Godly man and has hopes of being a Godly husband and father.
2. Pursues me, willingness to do a little chasing in order to "claim" me.
3. Passionate about life and everything that life entails-family (each other), friends, goals, career, interests, health, etc.
4. Supportive of my passions and even share most of the same passions.
5. Spontaneous and romantic. I want to be wooed, romanced, surprised. I want to see that an effort is made behind plans that are made.
6. Desires a large, loving family.
7. Takes responsibility with decision making, but values and holds my opinions in regard too.
8. Loves to dance and sing out of fun and goofiness even if it's just because it makes me happy.
9. A dreamer, but grounded in what is real.
10. Loves a variety of foods, willing to try anything, will eat for the experience.
11. Drinks coffee-yes this is important.
12. Being open with what is in his heart. Communication is key but more than that, I just want a companion that can talk with me, listen AND talk, be open and honest. Wears his heart on his sleeve similar to the way I do. I know that guys are different in that way, but I just don't want a brick wall for a companion. That trait clearly didn't work out for me.
13. Active and healthy. Someone that will go running with me, play tennis with me, go hiking with me. Desires to find active things to enjoy throughout the year.
14. Adores me for all I am. Believes that I deserve to be loved, honored, desired, and cherished. Not only believes it, but feels it and shows it.
15. Loves me through my love language.
16. Is taller than me. Not going to budge on this. Is that bad?
17. Chemistry with me. So connected to me that everything just fits like a puzzle piece. Each piece is different, unique both in quality and shape but when put together they create more of the whole picture and they interlock perfectly.
18. Adored by others, great social skills, has friends and wants to include me in those friendships to make them our friends and wants to be friends with my friends and most importantly that his friends like me and my friends like him.
19. Genuine through and through
20. Good family. I want to get along with his family and be treated like family without having to owe anyone anything. I just want relationships to be authentic. I also want him to connect authentically to my family too. To desire a relationship between families.
21. So handsome. It's very important to me that I'm physically attracted to this man. I want to swoon when I'm in his line of sight. Just being honest, I know it's cheesy.
22. Will read with me, will learn with me, will strengthen our relationship with me, pray with me, attend counseling and seminars to learn and grow. To understand that there is always room for growth and accept that ALL relationships take nurturing and not always can be done without the help, support, and accountability of others.
23. Which leads me to having an accountability couple.
24. Enjoys typical guy things. Sports for example at least a healthy dose of sports and not a couch potato sports spectator.
25. Sense of humor, a bit of wit and charm, but knows when and how to be serious and authentic too.

I think that about covers all I desire in a man. Knowing me, you should know what kind of man as far as looks go that I would be attracted to and in character too. But, in case it's a little unclear even after my 25 item list here are pictures to show you. Things you should know are that I'm not living in a fantasy. This is about having fun and dreaming a little. My list is mostly real, unrealistic or not it's what I want and that the following is about the characters, not the actors that play them.

Mr. Darcy, for his honor, tradition, noble character, and sincerity of words.

William Schuester (teacher from Glee) for his charm, wit, love for singing and dancing, pursuit of the woman he loves, passion for teaching, and his looks, specifically how he looks in a vest and hat.

You had to know this one was coming. Edward Cullen for his everlasting love and loyalty, for his strength, his passion, his openness and honesty, his desire to protect the one he loves, his gentleness and caution, his desire to protect his virtue and the virtue of who he loves, and his traditional values. The list could really go on and on with this one. But, I will stop here.

To sum it up for all 3 of my characters in addition to the traits they all have that I desire in a man, there is definitely some swooning involved with each of them.

Don't worry people, I don't spend too much of my day fantasizing about a new relationship. I have set my standards so high that I'm sure it's a bit far out that I even find someone who meets my standards. It might not even be God's will for me to meet someone else as much as I want to. I have to have peace with that and I know that I would rather be on my own then settle and make the compromises I once made before. Never again will I compromise who I am, settle for less than my best, be with someone who doesn't love every ounce of who I am even if that means being alone. I can dream though, and dreaming is what gives me hope.

2011-02-22T22:15:00.000-08:00

Each day has been something new. Some days are great and some days are really hard. I cherish the good days. Like this past Monday...one of the best days I've had in a long time! Lily and I spent the entire day together. We woke up and just spent the morning bumming around the house, went grocery shopping, went to the pet store and looked at all of the animals then finally took home 2 fish and 2 snails. Then, we spent the remainder of the day in the kitchen preparing dinner and dessert for small group. We didn't do anything spectacular, except for bringing home new pets. What made it so great was the TIME. It seems like we rarely get time and when we do it's rushed or spent trying to take care of business. We had just spent the weekend apart and it was so nice to spend time together. As hard as it is being away from her, it's such a joy to come back with her. Seeing her after she's with her dad is like seeing her for the first time. I'm overcome with love, adoration, and joy when I see that precious face of hers. I'm also refreshed with patience and I feel like I can be a better mom-times 50! I'm trying to turn things around and look at the blessings that are coming out of this. That's the only way I'm going to come out on top with a smile on my face.

There are a few bloggers out there right now that are doing a project of finding joy. I'm going to participate. I'm not going to shoot for a certain number of "joys". I'm just going to begin incorporating "joys" into my posts.

1. Cuddling with Lily on days we can sleep in.
2. Baking one last apple crisp for the winter season.
3. Baking for the first time in my new kitchen.
4. Dancing around the house with Lily.
5. Breaking bread with great friends.
6. Meeting new people.
7. Running into old friends.
8. Great friends who are willing to come over and fix things at my house.
9. Knowing that people love me and are there for me.
10. Newly accepting that love.
11. Discovering that I can use my situation to help others through theirs.
12. Covered parking and not having to scrape.
13. Having a mom who continually supports me and helps me with all my needs.
14. Finding hope in a fresh start.
15. Hearing my daughter tell me over and over that she loves me.

2011-02-15T23:26:00.001-08:00

We are alive and that is about all we are at the moment or at least that is about all I am at the moment. We got moved into our new house and love it. It's cozy and cute and what I've been wanting out of a house. It has so much that my old house didn't have for over $300 cheaper. We are doing our best to get settled in. It's actually in pretty good shape. I don't have boxes all over the place. Just all over the basement and 2 in my bedroom. There are things that are annoying me, but I don't seem to be able to get them taken care of and that is having to rewire my dryer so I can actually do laundry. I've taken my clothes to my mom's house to wash them. The other is putting my window treatments (rods included) up in my bedroom. Getting dressed is annoying and the security light out front that blares into my room in the middle of the night because a cat walks into the yard annoys me too, but there are too many more important matters to focus on.

Aside from my new house I have my old house I'm still dealing with. It needs to be cleaned somewhat. Garbage needs to be taken out and so does the rest of my "husband's" crap.

I have a lot of paperwork to complete. Well it's mostly done. I'm just getting hung up on it and I can't figure out why. I don't know if the reason I give is accurate, which is the fact that I don't have a steady income that is the same every month so I don't know what to put for how much I make or if it's because once it's done it's done and there is no turning back, absolutely no hope. Not that I want to turn back and not that I'm hoping. Maybe I'm just holding on to something that just doesn't exist and the moment I let go is the moment I have to face that it will never exist again. I don't know. Either way, I'm having a hard time completing this paperwork and it just needs to get done. But it overwhelms me.

Needless to say I'm feeling really overwhelmed. I just want to run away and hide. I'm tired of being pulled in so many directions by so many people about getting this and that and the other done. My brain has shut down and I can't seem to function to get any of it done let alone my daily living tasks or any of my resolutions for that matter. I just feel like I can only do so much and asking me to do more than just live, just keep breathing, is asking me to do too much. I KNOW I have a lot to do, trust me I know and it stresses me out to the max, but my mind and my body are cloudy. Not to mention the fact that I work every single day. I mean, I did have Monday off, but that was after a TWELVE day stretch of working full days. I'm tired, exhausted and my body is seriously run down. I don't know how much longer I will be able to handle anything without self-combusting.

I know I shouldn't get ahead of myself, but half of my problem is my thoughts. My thoughts alone stress me out enough to cause me an ulcer so I think maybe I will just put them out there. I struggle with the disillusionment of my marriage. I know that divorce is not what God intends. I also know that I have God's acceptance in divorce. I struggle with wanting what God intends. For a couple days just recently I felt like I should hold on a little more to honor God's intentions. I found myself wondering if God's intentions for my marriage are still the same today in spite of all that has happened or if God says it's time to move on too. I know that He will accept whatever I decide but, what does He intend and how hard should I work at honoring those intentions even though they are not what I want. I don't want to have the marriage that I did have nor do I want the type of marriage it would be if we did reconcile. Always working, always wondering, trying beyond measure to gain trust back. Not to mention accepting back into my life what I didn't like before. The laziness, the inconsideration, the selfishness, the lack of emotion, the constant need for jokes, the brick wall that never comes down, the constant need to defend his poor attitude to others, or the random "migraines" that just happen to show up on important days, the yelling at the animals and yes, at Lily too for the most stupid things, the need to always have the tv on, the never being aloud to dance or even sing and let's not get into the issues I had with his family or his extra curricular activities or his lack of relationship with Christ. But, if God's intentions are for us to be a family, than shouldn't I want that same thing or at least want to honor God's intentions and make them my own? I know that Adam is at the point where he says he doesn't want to work it out. He has said that for a while now, but deep down I feel like he doesn't want things to be this way and that is why he is constantly mean to me. This really isn't about what He wants. It's about what I want and what God wants. So two days after I was thinking this he does something else to show me how deceptive he is. He lied to me about something that I am quite passionate about. I trusted him and his word, even though I had absolutely no reason to trust him since he has destroyed all the trust that I ever did have. But, this had to do with our daughter, so I thought maybe it was different. Wrong, dead wrong. He just doesn't stop lying to me. After all that he had done, why do I even bother? I think it comes down to me hanging on to the life I had and being uncertain of what the future will hold for me. But, looking at this moment and every moment that has happened over the last 6 or so months it's time I make a decision and make it once and for all. I think I will feel better once it's all said and done. I think I will feel better not holding on to something or someone that makes me feel wretched inside day after day after day. I've gone round and round about this, but my final conclusion is that I have God's acceptance and I need to focus on accepting the decision myself. I need to let go and trust that God has my future mapped out and He knows what is best for me, but also what the desires of my heart are. He knows that I long to be a wife to someone who loves me, that I long to have more children, that I love to care for someone and spend my life with someone. I will be praying for peace a long the way, because there is a possibility that He may not want me to be a wife or bring any more children into the world. Many people tell me that they believe I will find love again, that someone will come into my life and sweep me off my feet. I would like to have faith in that, but I need to be honest and accept that there are no guarantees but that living a life on my own and happy will be far better than holding on to what I have now. I think that is what I need peace with the most.

I am not going to waver any longer. I am going to finish my paperwork and file for a divorce. No holding back, no excuses. It's going to get done and it's going to get done by the end of the week. I have Friday off and I'm going to march into my lawyer's office and turn my paperwork in.

So let's take a pole...who thinks it's a good idea or at least tolerable for a 2 year old child to sleep on a mattress in the same bedroom as her daddy and his girlfriend? If I had a new husband or believed in sleeping with a boyfriend, I know full well, my daughter would not be able to sleep in my room. It's different when the 2 people are her parents. What do you think? Am I just being overbearing? I know that God has her and He will not allow harm to come to her but, what kind of harm is that doing to her? What kind of message does that send? What are your thoughts? If I'm wrong or you think different than me on the subject matter please let me know. I would love to hear another side, another perspective.

On another note, I'm trying to get Lily back into her own bed. She started sleeping with me when we moved into my mom's. The deal is she gets a fish of her very own if she sleeps in her own bed. So, for valentines day I got her a tank and everything that is needed for a fish. Last night she was so excited about it that she begged to sleep in her own bed. When it came down to it, she wanted to sleep in mommy's bed. I pushed it and ended up rocking her until she fell asleep in my arms and put her in her bed. She slept for about half the night and then woke up confused calling for me so she came into bed with me. I kept waking up to check on my sweet girl and she was just laying in my bed, asleep with a smile on her face. The smile remained there on her sweet face for the duration of the night. I don't mind that at all, her waking up and coming into bed with me. It's just that I want to be able to put her in bed and be able to come back out and get something done or have some me time to decompress from the days happenings. So, my dilemma is if I should get her a fish or not. She did sleep in her own bed after I rocked her to sleep and only for half the night. Fish or no fish? The tank is ready to go though and it looks like such a good home for a new family pet.

And if you are still reading at this point well, you are a good and loyal reader. Thank you for that!

Resolution #3

2011-01-05T22:38:00.000-08:00

Stick to a Schedule.

I've created a schedule to follow. This is more of a guideline but, it will allow me to encompass all of the things I am passionate about. In many ways, I will have more time now that I am without a husband. (This post is more for my benefit than yours.)

I will first start with Tuesdays. Tuesday, Lily is with her father. So, twice a month I will be going to yoga and spending the remainder of the evening home, enjoying some quality "ME" time; once a month I will be having a craft night with a friend or two or more; and the other Tuesday a month I will go out with friends, if I can find friends to go out with. I am certain that won't be a problem though. Taco Tuesday anyone?
Daily I will go to the gym right after work; before picking up Lily. I will spend an hour at the gym. This will help me emotionally. I've been feeling angry at times and I think this will help release my anger and keep my emotions in check during the remainder of the evenings when I am with Lily. Also, this will ensure that I keep up on my health resolution to lose the rest of the weight and just be, overall, a nice transition from work mode to mommy mode.
Wednesdays, and Thursdays after I pick up Lily we will make and eat dinner, clean up dinner, and then do an activity together. Our activities will range in subject but, we will do something a bit different each day of the week. At 7 we will start cleaning up and getting ready for bed and at 7:30 we will have our nightly reading of books and prayer time and then at 8, it will be lights out. After Lily goes to bed I will have 2 hours to spend to myself. I will spend some of the time working on a craft and some of the time reading. I have 2 shows that I will watch online. Reading and crafts will both be done after any messes that didn't get cleaned up, get cleaned up. My biggest goal for my home will be to keep it clean.
Mondays we will have Life Group which is Bible Study small group in the evening. For the month of January it will be Mondays. After January, it may switch. Then my Monday schedule would just switch with the alternate day.
Fridays will be similar to other evenings I have with Lily only instead of 7:30 bed time that follows the activity we will have movie night. Where we will pop popcorn and watch a movie in mommy's bed. I'm really looking forward to Friday nights with Lily!
Every other weekend Lily will be with her father. On the weekends Lily is with her father I will spend my time deep cleaning specific areas of my house and either a craft or as the weather warms up and outdoor activity. I want to find a community service project that I can get involved in once a month as well during my "off" weekends. Weekends Lily is with me we will spend quality time together. Starting with a yummy breakfast and just play time of Lily's choice. I have to work at 3 every Saturday and Sunday. So, my weekend time with Lily is limited. Sundays are dedicated to church and now to work. I volunteer in the nursery at church every other weekend so I have that commitment. Church will be over then we will head home for lunch and nap and then it will be time for work. When family comes into town we will, of course, make time for them and include them in our weekend day of fun, quality time.
Daily, I will wake up a half hour earlier everyday to spend time in prayer and reading God's word. I will also do 150 crunches everyday in addition to my workout routine at the gym.

I think that about covers it. My time will be very purposeful but, also very simple. I'm also not so SET on absolutely following this because, I know that life happens and I don't want to feel frustrated when something doesn't go according to plan. I'm a pretty flexible person for the most part. But, I'm trying to find balance. I also need to learn to say no when what I'm being asked doesn't meet the goals of my own family. I feel like I haven't given my own family the attention it has needed. Which may be the cause of my husband's affair. He does say that I cared too much about my friends than I did about him. I've always put Lily first but, maybe I was lacking in the attention I gave to him. It is hard to give someone attention when you know their heart has left you but, it was still my job as a spouse. Maybe I would have been able to bring him back before it got to be as bad as it was. I don't know. I do know that reasoning with myself over the decision I made won't change it. What he did was still wrong and he didn't tell me he felt this way until after it was all said and done. I wasn't given the opportunity to fix anything and for that, there isn't anything I could have done. I, truly, didn't know. Anyhow, this year is dedicated to my daughter and myself. This is the year to rediscover who I am. I am greatly looking forward to it.

Resolution #2:

2010-12-30T20:15:00.000-08:00

Meet the second half of my weight loss goal.

I have already lost 45 pounds. I know I gained some holiday weight and have been too afraid to get on the scale to see how much. So I have 35 to 40 more pounds to go until I reach my ultimate weight loss goal. My goal is to weigh 135 pounds. The last time I weighed 135 pounds I was a freshmen in high school. That was FOURTEEN years ago! I've been asked by a few people if I'm sure 135 is what I want to weigh and that maybe I will be content with weighing 150. I don't want to settle for something. I want to get to my best and be my best. If I stop at 150 I will know I can do more and also it will be bordering the second half of the 100s and I don't want to go there again. I want to be confident with my weight number and also I want to leave room for my time of the month when the scale goes up. I don't want to feel guilty about the monthly increase in weight and I know that if I stop before I've reached my goal I will feel guilty about any change in the scale. Plus, it seems as though I've spent my life settling for less than I desire, not quite meeting all of my goals and THAT has not proven successful for me.

How will I lose the rest of the weight? Well, starting in January, I will only be buying and eating non-processed foods. There are a few exceptions like, rice. I have a LOT of rice that I have to eat. But, my diet will consist of vegetables, fruits both fresh and frozen, beans, rice, eggs, healthy oils, and nuts. Lily will also eat this diet. I will have bread, cheese and yogurt for her but, I will no longer make separate meals for her to eat when it's just the 2 of us. It will be balanced so, she will get all of the nutrients she needs. Don't worry about that. Since I will be eating clean I'm not going to calorie count. I think that as long as I am meeting my nutritional needs and not eat the "bad" stuff I won't have to calorie count. I've gotten pretty good at portion control.

I will be going to the gym directly after work Monday through Friday. It will be a nice transition piece to switch from work mode to mom at home mode. My work out will continue the way it has been. Custom made workouts by my trainer. When my training is up, which it will be soon, I will just go back and do some of the old workouts. I've also committed to doing 150 crunches every day. I did my first 150 yesterday and it wasn't too bad. But, that's all I did. I pair my workouts with running for my cardio. I'm also going to go to yoga every other week. I don't want to commit to every week because I'm doing it Tuesday evening when Lily is with her father and am also dedicating Tuesday nights to ME time. I won't have time in each month to do ALL I want to do if I go to yoga EVERY Tuesday. In the Spring, Lily and I will begin running outside. Her in the jogger and me behind pushing. Our new house is close to some good running trails, one along the river. I'm pretty excited to get outside and run since I didn't do much of that last summer. This fall, I want to actually run that half that I was talking about doing. As the weather warms up we will be spending a great deal of time outside doing yard work, swimming, going to Silverwood (local theme park), playing, just being active in the outdoors. That will help keep the calories burning. For Christmas my mom is going to fix up my bike. She's going to put new tires on it and make sure it's safe to ride. The jogger we have is also one that attaches to the back of the bike so, we will be able to do some bike riding as well. So, between running, biking, and swimming depending on how it all goes I might decide to train for a triathlon for the following summer. That's dreaming big though and I don't want to get too far ahead of myself.

I'm super excited for the kick-off of the healthiest year yet for my physical self. Here's to wearing a 2 piece for the first time in a long time this Summer. That's my hope anyway.

Resolution #1

2010-12-28T21:42:00.000-08:00

As I mentioned some of my resolutions require a little more detail in hopes of gaining some accountability from my readers. So, I'm going to elaborate on my resolutions one at a time.

Cultivating my relationship with Christ:

Since having a husband it had been so easy to depend on him for many of my needs. As I do not have a husband, at least not one that is living with me and providing for me, I have to meet my needs in other areas. This is only going to be through putting my faith in God. I believe that things will work out but, I believe it is through God that everything does work out. Everything is going to work out according to His plan and I need to show God how grateful I am for His blessings. I need to continually seek the Lord through the good and the bad and rely solely on Him. I want to be rich in knowledge of the word. I know a lot of the bible but, I'm not good at telling where exactly a verse is found. I want to submerge myself in God's word and live prayerfully. I have done a good job at living prayerfully in some ways but, I've done a terrible job at designating prayer time. I'm always shooting up "arrow" prayers throughout the day. I want to have deliberate, alone time with God every single day along with the "arrow" prayers. So, my hope is to get up a bit earlier, before Lily wakes and spend the time with the Lord. Since I won't be able to get to the gym in the mornings any more because I obviously can't leave my child home alone I think this is the perfect time. Plus, I want to take with me through the day what I've read and learned in God's word that morning instead of taking what I learned to bed with me at night. I think I will be more equipped to go through my day having started it out with alone time with God. I usually forget what I've read if I read it right before bed. I'm also going to keep a journal of what I read and my prayers as well. I want to pray for others more actively as well. So, if you have a prayer, please let me know and I will pray it with you.

I want to be a better steward in every aspect of my life. Part of this is being generous of my time, money, and talents. I will seek out ways I can be generous each month.

One thing about being a follower of Christ, you are constantly growing your relationship. So, while these are my immediate goals, I will not stop here.

New Year

2010-12-26T21:33:00.000-08:00

We had a great Christmas season considering all that is going on with us. The whole week before Christmas we spent with my mom and my brother. We stayed one night in a hotel and got to play that night and the next day at an indoor water park. It was a fun little get-a-way. We also had a nice dinner, looked at Christmas lights, window shopped, and had a nice breakfast at the hotel and another nice lunch out that day. It was a great time away with my family.

Christmas Eve we spent together as a family as well. Christmas morning the same. My mom had been sick so she stayed home while my brother, Lily and I went to my cousins for our annual family Christmas brunch. Lily was picked up at noon by her father where she spent the remainder of the day with him and his family, along with his girlfriend and her daughter but, that's beside the point. Anyway, my brother and I stayed a while at my cousins house just talking with them. After we went and picked up my mom and the 3 of us went and saw a movie. I don't think I've ever seen a movie on Christmas Day before. It was fun, different from the norm. We saw True Grit, with Matt Damon. It was good, I kinda want to see the original.

Lily was abundantly blessed this year with gifts. She got a few movies, her first CD, a nice sherpa lined hoodie, a Build-A-Bear kit, some hand puppets, dress-up clothes, her first Bible, and a Bible Story book, a pair of Twinkle Toe boots from our cousin, a bunch of other random little things, and her 2 big gifts were a rocking horse and a Power Quad. Most of this was because my mom gave me some money to get her some nice gifts this year. My mom has been a true blessing in all of this and I can't imagine going through any of this without her. She has been more than generous, she's been supportive in every way and I cannot thank her enough for how she has helped me.

Now that Christmas is over I am ready to start the New Year. This New Year means more to me than any other New Year that has come up. 2011 means a fresh, new start; a second chance. Truth be told, I was unhappy in my marriage. I loved my husband, I loved the family that we had created but, he was disconnected from me and I felt the elephant in the room at all times. He has always been a bitter, unhappy person and that had an impact on me. There were times where I was unhappy because I couldn't figure out why he was unhappy and he never tried to share with me what was in his heart. So many things could have been fixed if he had just opened up to me. But, you can't fix what you don't know is broken. I loved him despite all of his negativity. I defended him to so many, I defended him to my own self. He was so many things that I didn't want for a husband but, I loved him regardless. I should have known that love isn't enough. Throughout my marriage I had prayed continually that God was change our marriage, that God would make it better. Nothing changed in my husband except for the fact that somewhere over the last 4 or so months he fell in love with someone else. Now, I wouldn't qualify what he was feeling as true love because I don't believe he actually knows what love is. As soon as this emotional attachment took place, I knew in my heart that my marriage was over. I suppose if I hadn't taken a stand on the relationship he had with this girl, I would still be with him but, I am not that woman. So, I'm at a very new season of my life, one that I never thought would be written. I thought I would be married to my husband for my lifetime. I did vow to love, honor, and cherish him until death do us part. I had every intention of keeping that vow but, God says that I have a Biblical out to my marriage and I don't see the point in staying married to someone who claims to be in love with another and is living with that other, someone who also told me that I, in fact, did NOT deserve to be loved, honored, and cherished by my spouse. Am I that terrible of a person? I didn't think I was.

So, I get to start over. I get to look at my life and decide what is worth keeping and what is worth getting rid of. Both tangibly and spiritually. When something like this happens to a person you go through a period of needing to be validated by others. So, for the first 2 weeks I felt the urge to find someone new immediately to feel loved again. Of course I know that that thinking is completely irrational and unhealthy but, it's natural. I had accountability in that area and it passed pretty quickly. I've learned that I don't need male validation, that I AM desirable, that I need to worry about ME and my daughter, and that right now nothing else matters. I need to get up on my feet, I need to provide stability for my child, to teach her all of the things that a good mother, a God fearing mother needs to teach her child. I just need to live and find joy in my life. So, I've created goals for myself and a routine for myself. My goals are as follows:

Cultivate my relationship with Christ by having daily devotions without any distractions.
Reach the second half of my weight loss goal by June. I've lost 40+ pounds and I want to lose another 40. I have a whole plan of how I'm going to lose the second half but, it will need to be in a post of it's own.
Stick to my weekly/daily schedule. I've created a schedule for Lily and I to follow. It's mostly for me because the only person I have to keep me accountable for my time is me. This will also created more balance in my life so, I will be able to include all of the things that I love doing and incorporate time to find new things to enjoy or rediscover old things I enjoyed in my past. It will also allow me to be fully engaged in what I'm doing in that moment. So, my time will be more quality.
Spend the time I have with Lily with a purpose. There are many different purposes such as teaching academic lessons, doing arts and crafts, music, dance, teaching the little life lessons, reading stories from the bible and other books as well, simply having a great conversations, imaginative play, cooking, baking, etc, etc. I believe that I will learn so much from spending each moment with her with a purpose. My time with her will be even more limited because she will have designated time with her father. So, I need to make sure that I'm not just with her when we are together.
Have designated ME time that isn't spent in front of the computer on facebook. I'm going to be working on myself a lot over the next year spiritually, physically, and mentally. I will need to cultivate the relationship I have with myself while I'm cultivating my relationship with Christ. I want to find one or maybe a few active things to do that I LOVE doing. That I own as a hobby. I really like running so, I know that will be one of them. I want something else though, like rock climbing, canoeing, hiking, golfing, dancing, karate, something. My options are endless! I want to take the year to figure out what it is that I want to own.
I want to grow my knowledge base. I want to read and do research and just know things and be educated. I believe I am educated now but, I believe that I'm also a bit naive when it comes to many, many things. I want to gain wisdom in all areas so, I'm able to make clear-minded decisions, and see the truth.
I want to keep a clean house. Not much to say about this category. I just think that if my house is clean, my mind will be clean. I want to be able to have people over at any time and if my house is messy, I won't feel comfortable doing that.
Rediscover myself in all areas. As I start doing all things with a specific purpose I think I will start realizing what is the most important things to me and what I want to give up. I think there have been many things I've done for the wrong reasons and I want to make sure that all I am doing is pleasing to the Lord and pleasing to myself. This even goes to my style of physical appearance in my clothes and hair and my home decorations.

There are my main goals. There are many mini goals within each one. They have all been clearly defined and over the course of the week I will try my best to do a post on one or two of them so that by Jan1 you will see what my terms for each goal are and help keep me accountable. As you can see, I have MANY things to look forward to for 2011. I have great expectations for this New Year!

New Life

2010-11-30T21:26:00.000-08:00

I've been absent from my blog for quite a while. I will return to it on a regular basis once my life has come to some sort of regularity. I guess I slacked on my posts because it's hard to write about good things when there is so many bad things that get in the way. You all know how much I dislike posting anything negative. But, the fact of the matter is the change in my life is a negative thing and since it drastically effects my life it needs to be shared. So here goes it world. My husband and I are getting divorced. He has been cheating on me for quite a while. I don't know when exactly the cheating began. All I DO know is he had an emotional attachment to a girl from his work and after months of ignoring my feelings about the relationship which I found to be unhealthy I took a stand for myself and moved me and my daughter out and into my mom's. That very night he also moved out and into his new girlfriend's house. It's been a battle since this happened. He plays on my emotions and has said and done some really hurtful things. So, where does that leave me? The next chapter of my life will include trying to build my life as a single mother, trying to find as much joy in as many different things that I possibly can, and trying to find the value in myself and what I have to offer. My faith in Jesus will help me do ALL of those things. I am picking up the pieces of my heart and trying to put them back together. I am doing pretty well with all things considered. I will share more as things settle down. I will also be changing up the blog because now, it's just about me and Lily and our new life together as mama and daughter.

Here is too finding joy and being happy with myself and where my life has ended up.

2010-10-09T08:52:00.000-07:00

Let the potty training begin. Yup, that's right. Lily said she wanted to wear her big girl panties today. I told her if she wore them, she HAS to go potty on the toilet. We will see. I'm hoping the big girl undies will be the motivation she needs.

Settled

2010-09-01T21:52:00.001-07:00

I've settled on a decision regarding my job situation. I don't want to announce my decision until I have officially made it. Making this decision has not been easy. I have had sleepless nights, tears, some unwanted acne issues because of the added stress, stomach aches, the whole works. Ugh! Stress sure does do a number on my body physically and mentally. I'm sure I'm not the only one. Anyhow, I need to spend a week praying about my decision to know that I am making the right one and that God will give me peace in my decision. No matter what decision I would have, could have, and HAVE made it's not a perfect decision, there are drawbacks to both sides. I just need peace that I am choosing the right thing.

Just Before 2

2010-08-27T22:32:00.000-07:00

Lily will be TWO in 9 days! I can't even believe it.

Here are some things she is doing before two years old. She amazes me and I think she just might amaze you too.

Here we go...

1. Lily talks all the time and says so many things. She can repeat anything but, her own language has just exploded. She tells me about things that pop in her head. My dad asked me what all she says. It's really not a list that can be made because she just talks, very similar to you or I talk. Her pronunciation is near perfect. Some of the words she says surprise me at how perfect she can say them. Take for example we have an aunt named Marilyn. When I was little I couldn't say Marilyn so I said Mare Mare. Lily says Marilyn perfectly. She has trouble with her c's. Coffee is hoffee. But, I just find that adorable. While she can say her name perfectly, for love she says hove.

2. She counts...1,2,3 and sometimes 4 and then she skips to 6, 7, 8, 9. If you ask me she is brilliant! She even recognizes how many 1, 2, and 3 actually are. Like if she has 2 crackers she will count them...1,2.

3. She sings her a,b,c's.

4. She knows multiple songs. She is randomly singing a new song around the house. She must get them stuck in her head.

5. She loves reading books more and more and she has such a love for books that she will read and read and read all night long if we let her. We try to limit it to 3 books before bed. She has her favorites and she cycles through them and every time we introduce a new books that becomes her new favorite. She has yet to dislike a book. I'd say her favorite, favorite books are Froggy Learns to Swim and Honey Bunny Funny Bunny.

6. She's really into watching movies these days. Her favorite movie was Finding Nemo, of which she refers to as Fish. We finally convinced her to watch some others and she now likes Cars, Ratatouille, Up, a long with Finding Nemo.

7. She's really getting into teasing. The other day she had my keys and was sucking on them. I told her that was gross. She looked at me, smiled, and said, "Num num!"

8. She's starting imaginative play. She likes to play with baby dolls. She will try to change their diaper, she will put them to bed and say Night, night, then pretend to snore. The snoring is adorable! The other night she even bent down, low to the floor so her baby could walk and her and her baby walked across the length of our playroom. This is maybe a bit awkward but, I thought it was funny. We were changing her diaper and she lifted her shirt to see her "boobies" and then tried to nurse on herself. She kept bending her head down to reach but, couldn't and said, "Nurse, num num." I guess that is a sign of extended (or perhaps too long) nursing.

9. She's starting to understand the word ending -ing. She says running and walking. The other day she was pulling the trash can around the kitchen and called it trashing.

10. She HATES brushing her teeth. It drives me crazy! It's a fight every.single.day.

11. She's adorable in every way. Except for the major temper tantrums and screaming fits that have begun. Sometimes she will scream for 20 minutes. I know for some parents that doesn't seem long but, it's long for her, it's long for us. She also walks around saying, "Hit, Mama." or "Hit, Dadda." I can't stand that. She also says, "Move it." Can't stand that one either. Oh the things she learns in pre-school. Yup, that's right. She graduated to the next class at school and is now, officially, in pre-school.

12. She's started potty training in a very small way. At every diaper change she is given the opportunity to use the potty. She has yet to actually go in the potty but, she enjoys sitting on the potty. One time I asked her if her potty was coming so, now she stares down and asks, "Coming?" It's kinda funny. Soon, we will just jump right in and let her go at potty training full force. I think I will do that over winter break and see what happens. She is ready, we are just trying to go nice and easy.

That's really all I can think of. I don't think we will be doing a party this year. Just our immediate family for dinner and dessert.

Overwhelmed

2010-08-23T21:30:00.000-07:00

To say the least. My life is kind of up in the air. I have some decisions to make. Well one decision mainly but, the repercussions of the decision make it seem like there is more than one. That decision is to return to subbing or continue on at my job. I've made a mental pro and con list. It's a really difficult decision to say the least. Here is why it's so difficult. Right now at my job I have steady income. For some that might be the say all end all. But, for me, the down side of my job weight heavily on wanting to return to subbing.

Down sides of staying at the center are: off at 6 Monday through Friday. Start at 9 Monday through Friday, thus giving me 9 hour days. Yes, I do get an hour lunch but, it's not that same as the sub schedule of working 8:30 to 3:30. Getting off at 6 is really hard for me. Lily's bed time is 8 o'clock. It was 7:30 but we moved it up so I could get in a bit more time with her. Even though Lily is at the center I work at, I still hardly see her. I see her in passing which just upsets her. I take her out during my lunch hour but, what we do is very limited. That's about it. I can't do all of the evening things I did as a sub. Getting off at 3:30 gives me 2 and 1/2 hours of extra time to spend with Lily and doing things around my house. I make the same amount they pay the management so, there isn't much room for growth as far as my paycheck goes. Plus, the owners and the director all smoke which I don't agree with if you are going to be care takers of children and role models to them. In the new building that my work is moving to there is a separate building for children birth to potty trained. My daughter's class is right in the center or the room. It is in between the babies and the toddlers. Needless to say she won't get any sleep during nap time. Also, she has direct access to the front door and I had a nightmare before I started this job that she ran outside and got ran over and died. It was the worst nightmare I have ever had. I woke up terrified and was so nervous to start the job. Aside from that my weight loss has slowly plummeted since I started there on June 1st. I've been making bad eating decision while there and it's been really hard to get over it. I'm sure it's a combination between being around all the food and the amount of stress I've had in my life since June 1st. Which is another thing...Lily has been so sick since we started there. She was hospitalized because of being sick from that place. I've been sick and then gave it to Adam who in the history of me knowing him has never been sick with a cold. So, that says something. My child was bit by another child which about set me over the edge. I even sprained my wrist a few weeks ago on the job tripping over a kid.

Plus sides of keeping my job: I mentioned before steady income. I know exactly the amount I would make every month. I know there would be pay checks coming and there is peace in that. Lily gets to be in the same location I am in while I am making money. I've built relationships with my kids and their parents. Some of them had some pretty major behavior issues when I first started and because of some plans I have put into play they are doing much, much better and their parents are so thankful. A lot of my parents would be sad to have me go so soon.

Plus side to subbing: I have a lot more time for taking care of my home. I will be able to return to menu planning, my chore schedule, my arts and crafts time, my yard, etc. I will be back in the classroom making connections and building relationships with people that may one day want to hire me. At least that is the hope. I am scared that being in pre-school will cause me to forfeit any chance of getting hired in the elementary schools. Subbing will be more compatible with going to night school to get my masters if/when I choose to do that. I will have winter break and spring break ahead of me. Ideally it would be nice to get hired on some where that way I could enjoy my summer off but, at this point in time I will be glad to just have winter break and spring break.

I think that might be it. There is a lot to think about. In the mean time, I have been filling out application after application to try and get hired to sub at all the area schools. I subbed for the main district in my area and stayed pretty busy. However, I feel like I need to be hired on to sub at as many districts as I can to get my foot in the door at other places and guarantee myself more work.

This is the reason for my blogging absence. Subbing will also allow me more time to blog. If anyone has any good insight on the decision...I'm all ears.

Day 3 & 4

2010-08-09T20:47:00.000-07:00

My favorite television program is...Gilmore Girls. I LOVE Gilmore Girls. I loved it when it was on and love it now. Fortunately for me I own the entire series on DVD. Recently I started watching them starting with the first season. There are a lot of early episodes I have missed so it's really fun for me. I am starting to get used to the idea that maybe, just maybe, Lily and I will be the next Gilmore Girls as my husband doesn't want any more kids. Only, I have a husband and I am not nearly as witty, nor do I have super rich parents or live in a small town. But, hey, I can pretend.

My favorite book is...The Bible. I have learned how to live by reading the bible. Aside from learning how to live there are some GREAT stories to read. It has every genre in the book you could possibly imagine. No matter how much I read it I still learn from it. I've read it through cover to cover and even if I read it 100 times cover to cover I will always have more to gain from reading it. It's God's true and written word and I base how I live my life around it.

As far as fiction goes my favorite is The Twilight Saga. I love the Twilight Saga. I started reading them last fall and since then I have read the first one 3 times, the second two times, the third 4 times, and the fourth 2 times. I am sure you can tell what my favorites of the series are. Hah! I love them because of the love. I never, ever imagined I would like anything having to do with vampires. But, it's not about that. Plus, Stephenie Meyers does a nice job of making vampires and werewolves very appealing. I could go on about this but, I won't. This would be a whole post in and of itself. Plus, many of you probably already know.

I also LOVE Harry Potter. Harry Potter is amazing. Simple as that! It would probably beat out the Twilight Saga if it had more love in it. I am a yuppy when it comes to anything and all love related. I loved the last Harry Potter the best. It was amazing to watch them all grow up. I truly felt like I did.

Day 2

2010-08-07T20:43:00.000-07:00

My favorite movie...

I honestly cannot just choose one. Many people will probably assume I would say Twilight, New Moon, or Eclipse. But, no. Those are not my favorite movies. They are my favorite books and they are wonderful and I love them but, let's be honest, the movies are not that good. It's the books that makes them what they are. If it wasn't for the books I wouldn't care for them much at all. Ok back to my favorite movie or movies. These are mainly movies that have a memory behind them or movies that I find myself craving to watch. The movies I love and crave are Sweet Home Alabama, The Wedding Date, Elf, Love Actually, The Holiday, Knotting Hill, Juno, and Run Fat Boy, Run. The movies I love because they have great memories behind them are Dirty Dancing, So I Married An Axe Murderer, Moulin Rouge, and Clueless.

Day 1

2010-08-06T23:38:00.000-07:00

My favorite song:

There are a lot of songs that when I hear them I am reminded that I love them. There is one on the radio right now, it's been out for quite a while but, I really like it. I listen to the Christian station by the way. The song is by Brandon Heath and it's called "Give Me Your Eyes." Click here to listen and watch the video. It has a great message that as a Christian I pray often. Some of the lyrics are: "Give me your eyes for just one second. Give me your eyes so I can see everything that I've been missing. Give me your love for humanity." It's a prayer for compassion, for love, that we can see and feel and love the way God does. I desire that.

2010-08-06T21:58:00.001-07:00

I've been slacking tremendously in both of my blogs. Well, I will be honest and say I have been slacking in every area of my life and stretched way too thin! Anyway, as a way to find some motivation and get back into a blogging rhythm I am going to try this 30 day blog thing. Most days won't take too long so I think I can do it especially if I plan ahead on the blogs that will take some more time. A friend of mine, Kelly, is doing it on her blog. So, here is what I will be doing:

Day 1 - your favorite song
Day 2 - your favorite movie
Day 3 - your favorite television program
Day 4 - your favorite book
Day 5 - your favorite quote
Day 6 - 20 of your favorite things
Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy
Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad
Day 9 - a photo you took
Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you
Day 11 - a photo of you recently
Day 12 - something you are OCD about
Day 13 - a fictional book
Day 14 - a non-fictional book
Day 15 - your dream house
Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly)
Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc)
Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding
Day 19 - a talent of yours
Day 20 - a hobby of yours
Day 21 - a recipe
Day 22 - a website
Day 23 - a youtube video
Day 24 - where you live
Day 25 - your day, in great detail
Day 26 - your week, in great detail
Day 27 - your worst habit
Day 28 - what's in your handbag/purse
Day 29 - hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 - a dream for the future

How Do I Do It?

2010-07-17T16:07:00.000-07:00

I've been struggling a lot lately with balance. Not really balance per say but fitting all I want to do in to my life one way or another. I've gone over everything I have been trying to accomplish and can't figure out how I can successfully do ALL I want to do. And by successfully I mean, with 100% of my efforts. I have discovered so much about myself in the last few months and all these things about myself I love. Part of me feels like I may need to give some of what I love up but, how do I give anything up when I love each thing so much and then how do I decide what exactly it is I want to give up?

Here are the things that are must do's and things I want to do:
Be a child of God=which requires me to spend time praying daily, read my bible daily, minister to others, give back
Be a good wife=which requires me to spend quality time with my husband, do chores around the house so he doesn't feel like he does everything, be there for my husband in any and every way he needs me to be
Be a good mother=which requires me to feed, bath, clothe my child (provide her basic necessities), spend quality time with her, teach her all that she needs to be taught from how to behave, how to function and grow to be an independent person, how to love others the way Christ loves us, how to treat others, and the list goes on.

Things I want to need to do:
Lose weight-this is a top priority for me right now. It is a need but, if God said no, it's not your time, I would be sensitive to that or if my husband said it was taking up too much time away from family I would be sensitive to that as well.
Run-I love running, I love how it make me feel, it has shown to be really effective in my weight loss.
Weight training-my mom is paying for a person trainer for 6 months so, aside from weight training enhancing my weight loss, I also have to go because that is the condition for my mom to pay for it
Be a good friend-I haven't been a good friend or relative for a while. I feel like people probably understand that I am dedicated to my weight loss right now and that takes up a lot of my time but, I am not too sure.
Organize-I am tired of just doing the basic necessities of cleaning in my house. I am so far behind in my house work that I want to spend a significant amount of time deep cleaning and organizing my entire house.
Meal planning-I let the ball drop on that one a long time ago. It became really difficult to do with Adam's ever changing schedule then even harder after I started working until 6 every night and we NEVER have the same days off.
Yard work-the garden is filled with weeds because I don't have time to keep up with it all, grass seed is still not put down in the back yard. My super summer intentions of completing the backyard have all but come to a complete stop. It frustrated me and stressed me out.

Things I just want to do:
Read-I am in a book club with one friend, it's a 2 person book club. I haven't been able to spend the time reading that I should be. Sorry friend. :(
Craft-I haven't been able to sew or knit but, I want to. Actually I have to sew a couple things for a friend who is having a baby. I have a couple other things that I have been really wanting to do but, just haven't been able to fine time. Ugh!

I think that's it. All of this on top of working 40 hours per week. As you can see I have a lot on my plate. Everything on my lists are so important to me. The more I think about this the more I stress myself out. So, I am going to pause for a day and try to work out a schedule of sorts. One, I have to follow so I can accomplish everything. Anyone have any scheduling/planner suggestions?

Bounce House and a Caterpillar

2010-07-11T22:02:00.001-07:00

Friday at work we had a bounce house all day. Lily was able to spend much of the afternoon with me and my class jumping in the bounce house. It was SO much fun! Lily did a great job jumping with kids who were more than twice her age. I really wish I could put pictures up but, the pictures have kiddos from my class in and I can't post them on the internet.

I can share with you the super fun and totally not professional cake I made in honor of Eric Carle week at school. It's the Very Hungry Caterpillar, in case you didn't realize. Haha! It definitely could have been better but, I threw it all together in about 10 minutes. Minus the baking part obviously.

Strawberry Picking

2010-07-05T15:09:00.001-07:00

Strawberry picking, this morning was fantastic! As I mentioned in my previous post we tried yesterday but, they were closed. I called this morning and they were open. Hurray! It was my first time strawberry picking up at Greenbluff. I was surprised at how big the strawberry patch was. The pictures I took do NOT give the size justice. There were quite a few people picking but, it wasn't over crowded at all. We had to wake Lily up so, I was really unsure of what kind of mood she would be in for picking but, she did exceptionally well. She ate more than her fair share of strawberries and only put a few in the baskets. She was excited to see the tractor so I promised her a ride on the tractor if we filled up both our baskets. Here is our morning in pictures. Enjoy them, we had fun picking.

I gave her a strawberry to eat straight away to show her what we were doing and get her hooked. According to her expression, she was a little confused. But, she got the hang of it pretty quick and did a great job finding the red strawberries to eat and a couple to keep.

When our baskets were full we went to wait for the tractor.

Here it cooomes!

Lily was so excited about the tractor but, when we actually got on it, it wasn't quite like what she was expecting and was a little nervous about it. She cuddled up with Grandma to help ease her nerves.

In line to pay for our berries she decided she needed just one more.

She did such a great job picking strawberries. She didn't run off, she didn't cry. She was patient when she had enough strawberries but, the baskets weren't quite full. So...grandma treated her to ice cream after the lunch we had up on the bluff. Her ice cream was supposed to be a kids cup and was half chocolate and half huckleberry. She loved it!

A tired baby who just ate ice cream makes some funny faces!
I would say that I can't wait until next year to pick strawberries but, we don't have to wait. We will be going to Greenbluff throughout the summer and fall season picking lots of different fruits and veggies because I am going to do a lot of canning this year to save money and eat healthier this next year.

Independence Day 2010

2010-07-04T21:27:00.001-07:00

I had the entire post on about how sick we have been. About how Lily spent 1 night and 2 days in the hospital and she is still battling some of the symptoms that put her in the hospital but, I am not going to post it. I am going to focus on the positive and move on from our strenuous week. Just know she is doing better and we were very glad her stay wasn't any longer than it was.

We (Lily and I-Adam worked) had a very simple 4th of July spent with my mom. We first tried to go to our local U-Pick area called Greenbluff to pick strawberries but, the strawberries weren't ready yet. So, we headed back into the city and went to a coffee place and enjoyed coffee, soup, and we even shared a dessert. Coffee, dessert? Two things I supposedly gave up. Which you might be questioning if you follow along my weight loss blog. Anyway, I indulged a little, it is, after all, Independence Day and I have the freedom to indulge when I feel like it. After our lunch we headed to my mom's because Lily was missing her dogs.
We came home for nap time. I had a great nap too.

After nap we went back to my mom's where we barbecued. Adam got off work so we were able to have dinner with him at least.Isn't she the cutest! That's not really a question, it's a factual statement!

After dinner we went across the street to the park so Lily could play.

Then, we came back to the house and each had a tiny bowl of ice cream. We all thoroughly enjoyed our treat!

Do you see the size of the bowl? That is the size of bowl my husband and I used too.

We, then, came home, got ready for bed, read some books together as a family, and now, Lily is in bed and Adam and I are each enjoying some quiet time.

One thing...

2010-06-23T22:21:00.000-07:00

that I am REALLY, REALLY, REALLY looking forward to this summer is:

Yup, Eclipse, the third movie from the Twilight Saga is coming out on June 30th. I am going to attend the midnight release. I already have my ticket and I already have my shirt.

Team Edward!

Job Update

2010-06-06T12:40:00.000-07:00

We survived our first week. Although, not a full week. Lily improved each day she was there. She got to spend Thursday with dad so she was only there for 3 out of 4 days. By Friday she was eating her lunch well and she even slept for almost an hour. That is great improvement since she started Tuesday and wouldn't eat nor would she sleep. We have changed our schedule to accommodate hers. Even if we are home we stick to her new "11:00 lunch and nap directly after" schedule. That way it's not confusing to her when she is there and when she is at home. I get off at 6 so we ate a later dinner too. That part hasn't been so bad since we have gotten used to Adam working until 6 on Saturdays so we eat later then.

Lily loves babies! She stands at the window that separates her class and the infant room and just says baby, baby, over and over again. On Friday, they just let her go in to the infant room. I went up to check on her and she had no desire to come see me because she was just playing with the babies in the infant room. It was really funny. I wish I could give her a brother or a sister because she loves babies so much. I just know she would be a great big sister.

For me, I have had to adjust working with a co-teacher. She is really nice and wonderful, it's just weird having to communicate about everything we are going to do. Who is doing what kind of thing. Then there is another teacher that works the morning shift so I also have to coordinate with her. They didn't have a system set up for who does what, what subjects they do and when they do them. I thought it would be really helpful so I set up a schedule that shows what subject will be taught in the mornings and in the afternoons and on what days. The other teachers really liked it so starting Monday that is what we will be doing. I start Monday creating my own lessons and teaching. I only have to do 4 lessons per week so it's not going to be too time consuming at all. They only have 2 learning activities per day. The rest of the time consists of reading, centers, and of course eating, rest time, and recess if the weather is nice. I feel like there are a lot of areas that could be changed and while I don't want to go in making all these changes right away like they aren't doing a good job because, they are, I just want to gradually make things even better so the kids and us 3 teachers will be more successful.

My schedule of what goes on is a little weird. I start at 11. I spend from 10:30 to 12 with my daughter in her class until she is adjusted. Then I will be covering lunches from 11 to 12 or 12:30. When I get to my classroom the children will be napping and they nap until about 2:15. After nap they wake up and practice writing their letters, then have snack. After snack I do a read aloud and after reading we do our learning activity along with centers. After centers we have to do a clean up and us two teachers are in charge of sweeping, moping, vacuuming, and cleaning the bathroom. When everything is cleaned we go outside to play. Then at around 5:15 we go in and wait in the main entrance area with the younger kids until their parents pick them up. Everyone is picked up by 6 o'clock. I have been able to get off early everyday. It's been nice.

I like it and will like it even better in the fall when we start really going with the academics end. For summer they do mostly fun activities. There are a lot of fun activities planned for the summer too. One example is pony rides. They brings some ponies in for the kids to actually ride on. That will be really fun!

Everyone I work with seems to be really nice. I hate feeling new and not knowing all the policies and procedures for things. In time, that will go away. I am just trying to jump right in as much as I can so I don't feel like the newbie for too long.

I know I am supposed to be there for now. I still don't feel like it's something I want to do forever or even long term.

Oh and I knew this would happen but, we are sick! Both Lily and I. It's from being in a new environment of germs that we are just not used to. It happens every time. Like when I would return to subbing after a break, I would get sick and Lily would too. I hope it goes away fast, like by the end of the weekend. At least so our energy levels come back so we can be ready to go tomorrow. For reasons like this I am glad I don't work until late morning.

First Day

2010-06-01T20:50:00.000-07:00

We started our new place today. Work/childcare. Anyone have any suggestions on what I can call it that uses both terms in one since it's the same place?

I need to make this quick because, I need to get to bed. I am going to try desperately to get as close to 8 hours of sleep per night as possible.

We arrived at 10:30. I was told I was supposed to start at 11. They told me I start at noon and will start at 11 after they make the new schedule. So, I had an hour and a half to spend with Lily. I played with her, I watched her play, and I stood by her side during her lunch time. They served tater tot casserole and mandarin oranges for lunch. She doesn't eat ground beef so she wanted nothing to do with the casserole. She had 2 helpings of the oranges and they gave her a couple crackers. They serve lunch at 11, we normally eat at 12. An adjustment will need to be made there. Right after lunch is nap time. I stayed with her to try and get her to sleep. We had no such luck. She screamed and fought and now I have a big scratch on my face. I ended up just needing to leave because it wasn't working. The teachers were very understanding and patient. They said it normally takes about 2 weeks for the child to adjust. I left while they were trying to see if she would sleep laying in a high chair. She was screaming and I got emotional. I came up later to check on her and she had stopped screaming as soon as they asked her if she wanted to hold a baby doll. They said she never ended up going to sleep though. So, Lily went the day without having a decent lunch or a nap. We survived though and she had fun playing. The teachers enjoyed her, one of them gave her the cutest pig tails in her hair. I came up a couple hours later again to check on her. She thought it was time to go but, unfortunately we still had another 2 hours. I gave her a hug and told her I loved her. She was super excited to see me when they came to the main room at around 5:45 where we spent the remainder of the day (until 6) together.

Needless to say Lily has a lot of adjusting to do.

As for me, I didn't dislike it but, I need more time to say if I liked it. I know it's not what I dream of doing but, I also know that it is what my family needs right now. The kiddos sure are cute though. I am excited to get to know them. They all rushed at me with hugs when they saw me and were eager to tell me their names and show me all their booboos. So cute! I will update at the end of the week a little more about my end and let you know how Lily is adjusting.

Overall it was a good day. Thank you for your prayers and thoughts! I could definitely feel peace throughout my day.

2010-05-27T21:43:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday we start our new adventure. My working a steady, full time job, and Lily in daycare in the same facility that I will be working in. I am so excited for this new chapter in our lives. So, excited that I get to work a steady job but, that also Lily will be in the same building as I will be and it's great place at that.

I hadn't been feeling nervous at all. At least not consciously. A few nights ago I woke up in the middle of the night in tears from a nightmare. My nightmare went a little something like this: I was down teaching my class, I was notified there had been an accident and I needed to go. I remember panicking but, trying to remain calm because, nothing that bad could possibly have happened to anyone close to me. I was in a room with a lot of people and all of a sudden my mom and my husband were there. The officials, maybe doctors, I am not too sure, proceeded to tell me that there had been an accident and I needed to identify a body. In I walk into another room and see my baby girl, my sweet, little Lily, laying on a gurney. I immediately started sobbing and ran to her and picked her up. While I was holding her and sobbing I was demanding explanations. Now, because it was a dream, I wasn't just told what had happened, I saw what happened. Lily had ran out of the front door of the childcare facility and before someone had noticed and was able to reach her, she had ran right into the street and was struck by a car going incredibly fast. She was so little and hit so hard that it killed her. The creepiest part of my dream was that as I was holding my dead baby girl she started flinching and making noises. No, sorry, she did not come back to life. The doctors told me not to get my hopes up, that she was in fact dead and that her physical body was still in shock. Like a chicken with its head cut off. After holding her in my arms, rocking her, and falling to my knees I woke myself up. I couldn't take the dream any more. I woke up my husband for him to comfort me. I often have nightmares, they are usually about my husband cheating on me. I think those stem from my father cheating on my mother so I have all these built up insecurities. This nightmare particular nightmare was far worse than any I have ever had. My child was killed by a car! I had to get up, go downstairs and continue crying so I wouldn't wake up the little girl that had just died in my dream. I drank some water and prayed for peace. After a few long minutes I went back upstairs. I desperately wanted to go lay next to her bed so I could make sure she was fine. I knew that was silly and I would wind up waking her up and having a terrible nights sleep. So, I got back in bed, prayed some more and eventually fell back asleep, free of any more nightmares.

The entire next day, I was incredibly affectionate with Lily. I could not get enough hugs and kisses and cuddles. I pretty much did not let her out of my arms. I also realized that putting her in daycare is harder on me than I had actually realized. Ever since then I have developed all these worries consciously. I am not sure what to do, other than pray, pray, pray. I know it will be fine, I know that Lily will not have access to a door to the outside and that if she does go outside she will be in an enclosed area. Not that she is one to escape anyway. She will be perfectly safe. But, I just cannot shake the nightmare I had or the feelings of apprehension.

Please keep us in your prayers and thoughts as we start on Tuesday. I would appreciate it so much! I need peace of mind with all of this.

I'm So Excited!

2010-05-18T13:14:00.001-07:00

And...I just can't hide it.

I got a job!

Yup, that's right, I got a job. A full time job, a forever job if I want it to be. I am so excited! What is it you are probably wondering. Well, I will be a Pre-K teacher at a Children's Center. Lily will be able to go with me at a very reduced rate. It's going to be so fun. Here is the short little story of how I found the job and got hired.

I went to sub at a school in a kindergarten classroom last Thursday. I have been subbing in kindergarten a lot and have grown to love the little guys. They are hard work and always keep you on your toes but, they are also a LOT of fun. So, I had never been to this particular classroom before. The teacher was there testing kids. I had a couple of preps and lunch and was able to get to know the teacher a bit. We got to talking and one thing led to another and I ended up telling her how I wasn't sure about subbing any more because I needed something consistent and subbing wasn't providing enough for my family. I had also mentioned that I was thinking of looking outside of elementary education because there just isn't any jobs in my area. I also had childcare as an issue too. As it turns out, one of her student's mothers owns two childcare centers and was just in asking her if she knows any credentialed teachers looking for work. So the teacher thought I would be perfect for it and gave me the contact information for the owner. I called the very next day (Friday) and spent the majority of the day missing her. I finally left my info. for her to contact me, thinking it was not going to happen. That night, she called! We talked a bit over the phone, telling each other what our needs are. She invited me to come in Monday for an interview. I told her about my daughter and that she would need a place too. She said she would find out if there was a position available for her but, she thought she heard that they were full for Lily's age. I was bummed but, still hopeful. She said she would let me know on Monday. All weekend I prayed about it. I also found out that Adam is still facing the loss of full time hours. I thought out the pros and cons of taking this job if it was offered to me. I also thought about how perfect the timing was and how it could really only be God that set this all in motion because it found me, I was not searching for a job just thinking about it. The pros definitely out weigh the cons. I went into the interview Monday morning confident in myself, only nervous about a place for Lily. I am more than qualified to have this job. I am a certified teacher after all. I was there for my interview for an hour and a half. I was being interviewed and I was also interviewing them as a parent. It not only had to work for me as a teacher but, it also needed to be a place where I would feel safe putting my child in. I saw nothing but fantastic things happening. Lily will be safe there but, more than that she will learn and have fun. She will be beyond kindergarten ready by the time she is ready to go to kindergarten,especially since she is a year older than most since her birthday falls in September. As for me, I was worried that I would feel like I was wasting my potential as a highly qualified teacher at a daycare. My mind was put to rest when I saw that they do mostly teaching activities. Yes, the children do a lot of fun activities but, they are there to learn. What I saw that the children were learning was what they teach kids in kindergarten in my local school district. (Ex. parts of a bug are head, thorax, abdomen) I told them I am a reading teacher with a passion for reading and developing a life long love for reading in students. They asked me how I would incorporate that into kids so young. They are all for the reading plan I gave them and are letting me have full reign with what I want to do. So, after my tour and all of our questions for each other she took me back to the office. The initial interview was with the owners, the lady I spoke with and her husband, as well as the director of the center. They fired questions at me and I answered. They all really liked what I had to say and agreed with everything, I even got them laughing a few times. Go me! Anyway, back in the office she talked to me about a spot for Lily. Turns out, there is ONE spot available at Lily's age level. She told me what I would have to pay and what I would be paid. She asked if that was doable and it definitely is! She then said, I normally don't do this, I like to take a day to think about it but, I would like to offer you the job. She was so excited to have me, she really felt like I would be a good fit there and that I would enjoy having Lily there too. She shook my hand and welcomed me to the family. And for the record, I wasn't the only candidate, she told me they had over 40 people apply for the job. It really seems like a great establishment. It worked out so perfectly and I can't wait. I start June 1st! Thank you for letting me share my exciting news with you!

2010-05-06T22:36:00.000-07:00

Today Lily was playing with a baby doll. She tried to feed the baby peas, tried giving the baby a bath and even put the baby on the potty chair to go potty. The things she does amazes me.

2010-05-05T21:23:00.001-07:00

Today, when I picked up Lily from Kids Club at the gym Lily thanked the girl who watched her for watching her. Then told her she had cute boots. My almost 20 month old is amazing!

Lieing About Her Age Already!

2010-04-20T22:38:00.000-07:00

Yup, that's my lovely little girl, a typical woman. When we ask her how old she is, she tells us she is two. But, she gives away the truth by holding up only one finger. We have been working on counting to 3. But, I really can't figure out how she figured out she was 2 years old when she isn't.

She also loves herself. She now says her own name and she does a fabulous job pronouncing it. The "l" sound at the front and in the middle are perfectly pronounced. I love hearing her say her name. When she sees herself in a mirror she says her name. So cute! But, what is funny is when you ask her what her name is she points to herself and says, "Me!"

Ahhh...she is adorable!

Introducing...

2010-04-12T22:32:00.000-07:00

My new blog title for my family blog and my new 2nd blog to chart my journey for becoming a better me. Please update your blogs to show my new name. Please follow along on my second blog to support me in my journey to become a better me.

My new blog URL is http://perseverance-within-me.blogspot.com/

I really like the persevering name but I didn't think it was fitting to my family. So, I took that and changed it a bit.

As for the title of this blog, I don't know...it just came to me one day.

Thank you for your patience and support. Don't forget to start following my other blog especially if you would like to track my weight loss goal and see if I really am capable of doing it.

2010-04-10T22:57:00.000-07:00

So, before I get too into the weight loss journey, I decided to go ahead and have two blogs. One will be a family blog and one will be my weigh loss blog. Please be patient, dear readers, while my blog goes through some changes. I will most likely be changing the URLs so hopefully I don't lose you readers. I will update what they will be and wait a few days to make the change. Thank you for reading, thank you for supporting and thank you for encouraging!

Update: After doing some research I have decided not to change the URL for my family blog, I will just be changing the title. So all you will need to look out for is the new title and the announcement for my second blog. The second blog will be all about become a better me. The original blog will be all about my family life. I hope that each reader I have will follow both blogs because truthfully I need to support in this journey of becoming a better me.

Weight Loss Update

2010-04-09T21:57:00.000-07:00

So, I officially started my weight loss journey on Monday. I have been doing pretty well. I weighed in first thing in the morning and took that weight as my starting weight. I was thinking of just coming right out and putting what it is. I mean, most people cold probably guess, it's pretty obvious that I don't weigh 130 pounds. Adam thought it would be weird if I posted my actual weight. But, I don't know. If I am going to take this seriously and use my blog as a way to track and get support then I feel like I need to be completely honest here. So, I will tell you with out actually telling you and it will be a very close estimate. My goal weight is to be 138 pounds. I have over 70 pounds to lose. So, if you are good at mental math this will be quick to figure out. If you aren't so good at mental math, then I would encourage you to not take the 30 seconds to actually figure that problem out. So, there you have it. I have a LOT of work to do.

I went to the gym Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and today, Friday. I enjoy being at the gym and having someone to work out with makes a HUGE difference. I went early Wednesday morning because of plans I had in the evening. I was SO tired. I had to go before work, I think I got there at 6 o'clock. My workout was only 1/2 hour because I realized I had forgotten that I needed to drive our other car so I had to go back home before going to work and I needed to get gas before doing that. So, my Wed. workout was not too great. I am definitely not used to working out let alone working out so incredibly early that I was exhausted the entire day. I needed to workout in the morning of Thursday also but, I seriously could NOT get out of bed. I felt guilty about it all day. Friday, I had my training evaluation. My trainer is really nice, patient, and helpful. She is also REALLY tall! She is taller than me by 3 or 4 inches and that is saying something because I am 5'9." Anyway, she took my weight, body fat percentage, measurements of my body parts from neck, to arms, on down to my calves and everywhere in between. She then, showed me all the different things I will be doing in each of the workouts that she made for me. I will meet with her twice a month to go over my progress and she gives me a workout. In between meetings I will be doing a lower body workout, 2 upper body workouts, and an ab workout that I will actually be doing everyday, in addition to those I will have a cardio day where I will focus on cardio and the ab workout. She also explained to me that when working out the first 4 weeks you body focus neurologically meaning that my brain is going to be getting used to the new usage of my muscles so I won't see too much results. She also explained to me that when I get to the gym I should warm up on the treadmill for 5 to 10 minutes, go do my weight, muscle training, and then end in cardio. She said that when you are beginning in your workout you use your energy and you drain your energy so that when you get to the cardio part all that is left is the energy you have from your actual fat so all you have left to burn is your actual fat. Plus, if you do the weights at the beginning you will have more strength so you can go more reps and even increase your weight amount.

On Tuesday, my good friend came over to help me figure out how many calories I need to eat in a day to lose 2 pounds per week. I can eat just over 1,100 calories. That is really NOT much! It has been hard and I think I have probably gone over that by a little but, I am trying to get pretty close without feeling like I am starving to death. I think it might be better for me to gradually reduce my calorie intake rather than cut loads of calories cold turkey. She also helped me figure out a balanced diet that works for me and my family and schedule. I shared with her my typical meals and she gave me ideas to vamp up what I already eat to make them tastier, healthier, and more balanced.

I have successfully completed my journal entries, keeping track of all I eat for 5 days now. I enjoy doing it and there is something about writing it down that helps keep my accountable. In addition to writing down what I eat, I also track my daily exercise, my water intake, and my overall thoughts.

My goal for the next week is to keep my stomach muscles tightened when doing all workouts.

Here's to a NEW Me!

2010-04-04T23:14:00.000-07:00

I have decided, once and for all, no going back, that I am going to lose weight! I am hitting the gym. I started going on Wednesday and I went every day Wednesday through Saturday. I am even meeting with a personal trainer. I mean business people! I am losing weight! I have set some goals for myself. My overall goal is to lose 73 pounds. I don't have a time frame for losing the weight. My gym membership is a year long contract so I guess I should make 1 year my time limit. 73 pounds in one year. It will be hard but with dedication, I believe I can do it.

My trainer will design work outs for me to follow. I will be completing my assigned workouts as well as attending group fitness classes. I have a great support system at the gym and that will help with my success. I love having the trainer because that will keep me accountable and on track with my weight loss. It will be nice to not have to try to figure out on my own what workouts I should do, how many reps I should do, or how long I should do a work out. My mom goes to the gym as well as some of her coworkers and a friend/mentor of mine. The gym employees are VERY friendly, encouraging, and helpful. They all were excited to meet me and remembered my name each time they saw me. Impressive!

My trainer will also help me with my fitness goals.

I am meeting with another friend of mine who happens to be a VERY healthy person. She works out on a regular basis and eats incredibly healthy. She is going to help me put together a menu based on the amount of calories I should consume. Counting calories is going to be VERY annoying but, it has to be done. I want to eat healthy but for the start of my weight loss journey I really want to focus on calories burned and calories consumed.

I will be keeping a journal on my food consumption and my exercise. I also want to journal about my thoughts on the overall process. Along with my journaling, I want to keep a goal record. You know, one of those thermometers that you color in red and the closer you get to the top means the closer you are to your goal?

I will be doing weekly weigh-ins.

I would really like to use this blog to track my weight loss journey and share it with you. I feel like the more I rely on my support systems, the more success I will have, the more confidence I will have. Plus, if I am putting it down on a site where all the world could see, the more likely I will press on when it gets really hard. I wouldn't want to let people down.

I have done diets and gone to the gym before and nothing stuck. But, this time is IT! I am tired of being everyone's fat friend. I am tired of feeling frustrated when shopping for clothes. I am tired of rummaging my closet wondering what I should wear because NOTHING I own looks good on me. I am tired of wanting to vomit every time I see a picture of myself. I am tired of making unhealthy choices. I am ready to be skinny. I am ready to be confident. I am ready to look good in a pair of shorts and a tank. I am ready to show my daughter how important health is. I am ready for the hard work it will take to get where I want to be. I am ready to see and feel the pounds shed from my body. I am ready!

I hope that I have your support and encouragement. I will need all the support I can get.

Things you will see on the blog in addition to subjects I already post include but, are not limited to: weigh-ins, slip ups, thoughts on my progress, pictures, entries in regards to food-healthy recipes, what my new diet looks like, my exercise routines, and pleas for encouragement when I am in a slump.

My official start date will be Monday, April 5th.

On the Hunt!

2010-04-04T22:31:00.000-07:00

I took Lily to an Easter Egg Hunt at my mom's work. It was very short and sweet but, really what 18 month old needs a long egg hunt? Especially when all the eggs are plastic and filled with candy. Ok, so maybe it's me, the parent, who doesn't need a long Easter egg hunt with a plentiful amount of candy. Anyway, my mom works at a nursing home and every year they put on the egg hunt. It's really fun for the residents to see all the kids. It seems more meaningful than taking Lily to an Easter Egg hunt at a park or something. Especially while she is so young SHE isn't going to remember it but, the residents will and for some, it may be there last Easter memory. Ok, well now for the pictures. I didn't get too many and the ones I did get are not all the good. In my defense, the hunt lasted only 15 minutes.

The Easter bunny actually made an appearance at this hunt. Apparently, this particular hunt was THEE place to be! We tried getting Lily to sit with the Easter bunny and by try I mean we let her watch other kids and babies sit with the Easter bunny, even a resident of the nursing home sat on the lap of the Easter bunny. She watched for a LONG time. We finally asked her if she wanted to go see the Easter Bunny and she firmly said, "No!" We didn't push it. No sense in upsetting her. We don't want even negative feelings associated with the Easter Bunny. So, no pictures of the Easter Bunny. Rather a picture of Lily with her Grandma wearing an "I am not so sure about this" face.

Tea Party!

2010-04-04T22:04:00.000-07:00

In honor of Easter Lily attended an Easter Tea Party.
3 of her girl cousins were also in attendance at the tea party. It was very fun for the little girls and the parents and grandparents that chaperoned.

The story of the tea party in pictures and captions:

Waiting for the party to arrive.

Easter bunny and Easter egg shaped sandwiches. So cute!

Special place setting for each of the girls.

Lily taking part in the fun meal.
She really wasn't interested in eating,
there were way too many kids to play with to sit down and eat.

After lunch the girls made necklaces. They had fun making them.

The Easter baskets my mom put together for the 4 girls. In case you can't tell, they are actually hats around the baskets and you can take the hats off and wear them. Super fun idea!

After the craft and the basket reveal the girls had a hunt. It was Lily's first egg hunt and she did a GREAT job! I absolutely loved watching her. She is becoming such a big girl.

The 4 cousins.
They were so cute but really more into the eggs they found than taking pictures. Who could blame them for that?

Lastly they had cupcakes!

The tea party was so much fun that we decided to make it a yearly tradition.
I am already excited for NEXT Easter!

Success!

2010-04-04T21:51:00.000-07:00

For Lent I gave up soda. I thought it would be really hard but, it was actually not hard at all. I am so proud of myself for getting through the Lent period without soda. Now, that I have gone without soda, I can honestly say that I don't miss drinking it and I don't care to have it again, unless it's at a movie or a special occasion.

I do have one small confession. I went to see a movie with a friend over Lent, while I was giving up soda. We saw Remember Me, with Robert Pattinson. A great movie but, probably the saddest movie I have seen in a LONG time. Anyway, we got in the theater, paid for our tickets and approached the concessions counter. I automatically ordered a popcorn to share with my friend and a soda, totally without thinking! As we were sitting in the theater and the advertisements were running, it all of a sudden occured to me that I was drinking SODA. I kinda freaked out at this very sudden realization. It was totally an accident, it's not like I was at the counter struggling with whether I should cheat or not, I honestly didn't even think twice. I just ordered it, brought it into the theater and drank. Oh man, it tasted good. I was wondering why on earth this particular cherry coke tasted better than any cherry coke I have ever had. Finally, I realized I had cheated. Now, I suppose what I should have done was just gone to dump it right then and there, but I didn't, that would have been a waste of money. So, I drank it and enjoyed it. But, that was the only time I cheated and I don't really call that cheating because it wasn't a heart issue, it wasn't a battle of should I or not. It was an honest accident. So, that is when I decided that soda is NOT something I want to drink on a regular basis, like I was doing, having one everyday for lunch. It IS something I want to drink occasionally and if I drink it only occasionally it will taste SO much better. My movie experience was proof of that.

Happy Easter!

2010-04-03T21:07:00.000-07:00

Easter is the most important holiday there is. It is the day that Jesus rose from the dead! Three days prior (Good Friday) He was killed, brutally, on a cross so my sins and your sins could be forgiven. It really doesn't get any better than that. We can have eternal life and be forgiven because of what Jesus did for you and for me.

It's all because of the blood of Jesus Christ! I AM alive!

Happy Easter my dear readers! Please do not forget that Jesus loves you and that He died for you so you could have everlasting life!

Picture courtesy of Monika, HawkPics Photography

Some random occurences.

2010-04-01T21:51:00.000-07:00

There are some things I want to share with you all but not everything needs to be an individual post so here are some very random bits about our recent happenings.

1. My brother came to town. We love visits from him (and going to visit him on the rare occasion). While he was here we went to sushi. Yum! He and my mom cooked us dinner. I tried tofu tacos. I have tried tofu before and really didn't like it but, I liked it in the tacos. He ground it up really small and mixed it with onions and black beans so it didn't have the slimy texture that I really don't care for.

Lily with her Uncle Matt. Maa as she calls him.

2. Lily is definitely showing signs of potty training readiness. She likes to be in the bathroom with other people when going. She says poopoo and potty. She grabs her diaper and says the word some times. She sometimes recognizes or acknowledges at least when she has gone poopoo. When trying to change her diaper she likes to help wipe and when I am going she even tries to help me wipe, although I don't let her because that is just gross! At random times she will all of a sudden stop, bend her knees slightly and put her thigh together while putting her hands in that area. I am pretty sure she does that when she is peeing, like she feels the sensation of it. She will bring her diaper changing pad over when she needs a diaper change. I need to get her a potty chair because she is terrified of sitting on the toilet. She must think she is going to fall in. So my plan is to go at this full force this summer. Really work on encouraging but not forcing. 3. We colored Easter eggs. I let Lily help and she did a GREAT job! I was so proud of her. She only smashed one egg and didn't get anything on her clothes. I modeled how to do it and she copied perfectly!

4. She now says no. Not only does she say the word but she says it with attitude. I am trying to teach her to say no nicely, say no thank you. I get that sometimes she may need to say no so it's not as if I don't want her to say it at all. I just want her to say it nicely and not tell me no when I ask her to do something or not do something. The attitude drives me nuts and I know it's part of the age but this is a stage that I definitely want to get through fast.

5. I am now the proud owner of not one but, TWO Twilight, New Moon shirts! Oh and the movie! I have watched it 3 times since it came out on DVD, that is a total of 6 times altogether. I can't wait for Eclipse to come out. It is my favorite of the 4 books so my expectations are pretty high.

6. I have been on Spring break. It has been the most productive spring break I think I have ever had. I have been getting so much done and it feels so GREAT!

7. Lately I have been overly blessed with great friends. It's so nice to know that we have great friends that are willing to be there for us. I have been trying to find ways I can give back.

I think that's about it. I definitely have more to post but they are bigger things that will be put into a post individually.

What have you been up to lately?

St. Patrick's Day

2010-04-01T21:19:00.001-07:00

We went to the St. Patrick's Day parade with our cousins. Despite the fact that it was REALLY cold and I was totally unprepared because it was kind of a spur of the moment decision to go we had fun. Lily enjoyed watching. She wasn't quite sure what was going on as it was her first parade but she started to get into it after a while. Plus, it was one of those parades that throw out candy and she of course LOVED that. She was only able to indulge on one piece of candy, the rest of what she got was candy I don't like her to have, not that I really like her to have candy at all anyway. Ok, so back to the parade. Here are some pictures of our fun time.

Before it stated. Having a little fun being silly.

I just wanted to point out her skinny little chicken legs. I have posted with her checkups how skinny she is but this picture definitely shows it.

Some of what we saw.

The dogs were Lily's favorite part and we didn't just see these dogs, we saw LOTS of dogs!

Look at this face of interest she has.

Going through her loot!

She looks a little concerned here but, it was the best picture I could get.

Just one of the crowd.

Lily and her cousin, Alyssa, enjoying their suckers. That was the one piece I let her have and boy did she LOVE it!

The parade was great and I am excited for next year where we will go with warmer clothes, green clothes, and snacks, definitely snacks!

2010-03-29T20:57:00.001-07:00

Lots to post. St. Patrick's day parade, Easter Tea party, first Easter egg hunt, back yard demolition/reconstruction, and gym. I want to post about all of these but, I am exhausted! I have been busy working in the backyard. Please be patient as I gather some energy and some time to fit all these posts in.

18 Months!

2010-03-09T20:21:00.000-08:00

Lily is a year and a half! I can't figure out where the time has gone. She is growing so quickly and changing everyday.

We had her well child check today. She is doing great, as always! I am grateful to have such a healthy baby!

She is doing all the things she should be doing. Her pediatrician is always impressed by her abilities which makes me quite proud.

Her stats:
height: 31 1/4, " percentile: 50th
weight: 21.4 lbs, percentile: 10th
head: 18 1/4," percentile: 50th

There is a slight concern with the fact that she won't really eat much meat. So, we had to have her blood drawn to have some tests run.

She did a fabulous job getting her blood drawn. Not only did she NOT cry, she didn't even flinch with the poke and let the technician get as much blood from her little thumb as she needed without fighting or pulling her thumb back at all. I was SO proud of her!

We are set!

2010-02-15T19:34:00.000-08:00

We went shopping today. I thought there would be some good President's Day sales. Well, I thought RIGHT! We went to Children's Place. I got her a pair of jeans that she can wear next year for $10, regular price was 22.50. We went to Kohls where we hit the jackpot! I bought her pretty much all the clothes she will need for this spring and summer. I got most everything for 50% off. Shorts, capris, and tops for $5.00 each. She is going to be one cute little girl, as if she isn't already. Haha! Normally I go to our local Just Between Friends sale for the majority of her clothes. But, with sales that good and prices that low, I don't need to. The plus side is I am sure her new clothes are WAY cute than anything we could have found at JBF.

Because I am so proud!

2010-02-15T19:30:00.000-08:00

I thought you should know that Lily now knows the song Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes. She recognizes the color yellow and says Lellow upon seeing it. She also knows what a monkey says now. I forgot to put in the last update that she knows what the kitty and the doggy say but she has known those for a LONG time. The monkey is a recent thing.

So VERY proud of my girl!

Good News!

2010-02-13T14:09:00.000-08:00

Adam received full time hours! We are so happy he will be working full time again and so relieved that his bout of unemployment wasn't any longer than it was. God is so good!

We went on a date Friday night. My mom had given us a gift card to the Outback for Christmas so we put that to use. On our way home from dinner Adam received the call that lifted the burden and the stress off our backs and put smiles on our faces!

Someone from another store put in their notice but, found another job so they all decided not to make this person stay the 2 weeks. So, Adam gets to start right away. He will be working out of 2 different locations, although we aren't sure what the schedule will be. He will most likely be working at least 1 weekend shift and some evenings so we will probably be able to save on some child care. Once he gets past the 3 month probationary period he will be eligible for insurance, profit sharing, and a bridge in service. This excites me in a way I cannot describe. I have NOT had insurance since shortly after Lily was born. I am so glad I will have it again. I can go to the doctor if I get sick and not feel guilty about going to the chiropractor because all I will need to pay for is the copay.

In a way I feel like the last 3 years have been a waste. We thought the change in jobs would be a good thing. But, the owner of the company ended up being not trustworthy. There were a lot of promises made at the beginning that were not upheld. Some of it had to do with the economy but, most of it had to do with poor ownership. The owner has all but stopped looking for new jobs to come in. So, he laid Adam off and is down to him self and one other employee. Adam's intentions were to quit and go to the new job full time after we got some bills paid and money saved up had there been a full time position open to him. But, God had other plans.

Adam will be more proud of himself at his new job then he was at the other job. Which, makes me happy. I want him to be proud of what he does and it does NOT matter at all what he is doing. God has shown to be very faithful to us in what we do so it doesn't matter that we aren't doctors or lawyers or anything else that pay lots of money. We are doing what we want to do, what we can be proud of doing, and because of that, the money doesn't matter. Sure, it will always be nice to have more but, recently I have learned a valuable lesson on contentedness and my family's happiness. Lots of THINGS won't make us happy. But, being together as a family and loving each other no matter what are circumstances are will make us happy.

I feel like I can breathe now!

Thank you all for your prayers and support over the last week! We are grateful we have some many people that care for us!

Lily Update

2010-02-11T21:03:00.000-08:00

I was just thinking that I haven't really updated you on Lily and what she is doing these days.

She is speed walking. I would call it running but, her knees don't really bend, her hips just move REALLY fast.

She says a LOT of words. Let's see if I can remember them all, kitty, doggy, bird, ball, bath, bubbles, buh-bye, please, nurse, cheese, peas, juice, dadda, mama, hi, hello, elmo, shoes, socks, book, car, truck, nigh-night, baby, bear-bear (my mom's dog), Lola (our friends dog), Sulley (our cat, she pronounces it Lulla) and there might be more but, those are the main words. Not all these words have exact pronunciation of course but, who expects a 1 year old to have perfect word pronunciation? I don't!

Phrases she says are nurse please, juice please, and up please. She said no mama one time. Even though she says please (pronounced without the l) when she says up please, she says bup poo. It is the cutest thing and I love hearing her say it. When she wants up I always ask her to say "up please" mostly just to hear her say "bup poo." Often times she will just come up to me with her arms up towards me and she will say it without prompting.

The other day she woke up in the morning and I wasn't planning on nursing because I had to get to work but, she asked to "nurse please" all on her own. I couldn't resist. She said please without prompting so I took 5 minutes and nursed her.

She loves the outdoors. I really want to get my back yard leveled and get grass seed planted so she can play back there. But, that's a whole 'nother post.

She gives her daddy kisses more than anyone. She only kisses me about once a week. Sad right? I mean for me, it's good she likes to kiss her daddy so much.

She loves blowing bubbles and watching the dog try to eat the bubbles.

She loves reading books, sometimes she will want to read the same book 5 times right in a row.

She sings the Elmo song. Totally cute! She likes to watch Elmo on YouTube. Whenever either of us are on the computer she is right there asking to watch Elmo. She also knows the song "if you are happy and you know it."

She dances and sings. She has an actual singing voice. It is a higher pitch than her normal voice and is very soft sounding. It's the prettiest little singing voice I have ever heard. I am sure that is just because it is coming from MY daughter! When you ask her to do a baby dance, she does, and if she hears music she will dance and sing to it, sometimes clap or lift her hands in the air if she isn't holding anything.

She prays with us at meal time by holding our hands. Sometimes, after we are done praying, she will continue to hold our hands. She is very sweet.

She enjoys playing with her kitchen that she got for Christmas. She pretends to wash her hands in the sink and cooks things in the microwave.

She likes to color and is slowly learning that crayons are not food.

I feel safe in saying, her best friend is our cat. She is constantly tackling him, kissing him, and calling for him. The cat loves her just as much, always trying to get in to her room and doesn't mind at all the tackling. He just lays there and let's her do it. He will get fed up every once in a while but he typically just lays there and growls or runs away. He is very patient and understanding.

She likes putting pacifiers in her mouth even though she never took one as a baby.

She has a sense of humor and can often be found with a colander on her head or 12 bibs around her neck. She pretends to go buh-bye and demands a purse or a bag, and a jacket before she goes. She enjoys playing peek-a-boo which turns into more of hide and seek than peek-a-boo. She likes to play on our bed and pretend to go nigh-night on our pillows.

Lily is still nursing. Some days I feel like she is no where near weaning and others I think she might be about ready. We don't nurse on mornings I have to work. Unless of course she asks by saying please without prompting. Then, I cave and let her. Haha! It seems like she nurses the same amount of times when I work as compared to when I don't work. When I work, it's almost impossible to make dinner because she just wants to sit and nurse from the moment we walk into the door until dinner time, then again until bed time. We don't nurse in public places any more which is good. I am sure I would get some interesting looks if we did. She is almost a year and a half now.

Well, I think that gives you a pretty good picture of what Lily is doing these days. If you have any questions about her, feel free to ask in the comments section.

She is the joy of our lives and I truly mean that. We have been under a lot of stress lately but, she is always there doing something cute or silly and it makes us laugh and laugh. You just can't help smiling at her adorableness. We love her to pieces and I couldn't be more thankful than I am now to have her as my beautiful, sweet, daughter!

2010-02-09T22:12:00.000-08:00

I guess I should probably admit that I am panicking now. Yup, scared, emotional, on edge, anxious, feeling the need to solve this problem but really there is not much I can do so my mind feels like it is going insane. It will be Wednesday in less than 2 hours, half a week has gone by out of 3 and so far nothing has changed. I am panicking, without a doubt. I need to pray more, I need to pray, pray, pray. And I need to accept the fact that this shocking change brings a HUGE amount of emotion to people, well to me and my household, emotion that didn't show up until Sunday, and quite frankly I am not so sure how we are going to make it through any of this if things don't change ASAP!

Change and Greatness

2010-02-06T10:20:00.000-08:00

We have been faced with a HUGE change and challenge for our little family. This change could end up hurting is and costing us a LOT. What I know it WILL do because I feel like it already has is bond us together even closer as a family and closer the our Lord and Savior. Well, are you ready to find out what the change is? Ok, I will tell you. Adam, lost his job. Yup, that's right, got laid off. Surprisingly I am not mad, a little nervous about our future yes, but the Holy Spirit has given me peace about it. I am not stressed or mad at all.

Here is how it began and maybe why I am not so worked up over it. I mentioned before that Adam was working a second job and he started that last weekend. I believe that God did not intend that job to be a second job, that He knew what our future would hold in regards to Adam's primary job. So, sure we won't be able to get Adam's medical bills paid off or some money saved for my lack of income this summer but, Adam doesn't have to start from square one. He already got his pharmacy license back which was a good chunk of money and we wouldn't be able to spend that money in our current state. Also, he was already hired back at his old job and they want him full time, it's just a matter of finding the hours for him. He may have to work at multiple stores to get the full time hours but, that's fine.

The part I am nervous for is it's not a sure thing that they will have any additional hours for him because budgets had been cut. So, he can apply else where but, this economy is still crappy and he may not be able to find another job in a pharmacy. So, finding another job might be hard or take a while.

For now we are ok, I just did all our grocery shopping so we are good there. He has 3 weeks of vacation that he is on so he will get paid for a little while longer and can use his time at home figuring the job situation out and applying for unemployment.

I know that many people are in this situation and lot's of people understand and relate but it doesn't change the fact that we are in it and it is unnerving and could potentially be VERY hard. And because this is my blog I am going to expand on how hard this could potentially be. I haven't really vented to anyone so I am using this as my outlet to vent.

Ok, well, we already struggle getting our bills paid. The only extras we have is the smallest Netflix package, Adam's computer game, $10 per month cable (mostly for reception purposes), once a month latte, once a month fast food meal (shopping day lunch).

For our bills, we have our mortgage which is an astronomical amount, regular stuff that everyone has (electricity, water, garbage, phone, insurance for car and house, etc), then we have our car payment which is high. We have a warranty and GAP insurance. We could drop the GAP insurance but what would happen if we were in a wreck and totalled the car. We still owe a great deal amount on it than it's worth. So, yeah, not sure what to do there. Wouldn't life be so much easier if someone told you exactly what to do and how to do it and everything always worked out? Now, we have my student loans. I have 4 of them and no they can't be consolidated. I already filed for a financial hardship when I first had to pay them because we had just had Lily and I wasn't working. They only allow 1 financial hardship deferment so we are stuck paying them. Then we have Adam's doctor bills that we had to put some on credit cards and some finance through a bank that the hospital set up. His doctor bills are more than me having the c-section with Lily. Craziness! I would have much rather had another child than had Adam have twin kidney stones that he ended up passing on his own naturally. That about sums it up with the exception of our cable internet and groceries/gas.

So, there are some things we could cut out. All of our extras mentioned above and the GAP insurance for the car, we could reevaluate our groceries and not buy things like soda. But, most of what we pay for are a must. Things we can't get out of. We could get rid of our cable internet if we had too and texting. We don't NEED to text. Many people have survived without texting.

Sure there is unemployment but, unfortunately, that is not enough. Better than nothing for sure, but, still not enough. We have no additional income coming in with the exception of my lousy subbing income. Did I say that my last check was $200. Yeah, where is that going to get me? Oh maybe half of my student loans paid for in a month.

As for me and what I do. I am a sub. I haven't been getting many jobs. I have worked 7 times since before Christmas break. I have applied in one other district so far and they are not hiring subs. I am going to submit an application to a couple of private schools and see where that gets me. I have been asked about finding a different job that isn't subbing. That would be a very tough decision that I couldn't make lightly because in order to get a full time teaching job I need to be a sub. I need to have my foot in the door. If I quit subbing than I am prolonging my chances of getting a teaching job. So yeah, again, could someone please tell me what decision is best and make it all work out. I suppose that is what God is there for but sometimes it is really hard to hear His voice. I know He works things out but I still have to feel like I am making the right decisions.

Ok, done venting. Clearly this could be hard for us.

Maybe you are wondering what the greatness part is? Because really this doesn't sound so great at all. What is so great is Adam, my wonderful, brilliant, caring, loving, silly husband! I don't want him to feel like he failed or that he is less of a great husband/father because this is completely not his fault and I am so thankful that he has a desire to provide for us. The other part that is great is God. He is so much bigger than us and the world we live in and I have faith that He and only He will work this out, that we will be better off in the long run having been rid of his job he just lost and all the garbage that he put up with in that job. It was thankless and it was a dead end job and often times boring. He was promised a LOT of things that he never received, raises, bonuses, profit sharing type thing. We trusted the owners and if we had known they weren't trust worthy, he wouldn't have taken the job. He would have still been with his old job making more money and we wouldn't have this stress now.

Well, lastly, could you please keep us in your thoughts and prayers? I don't feel like I ask this much but, I am feeling a bit desperate now. Writing all this out kinda makes the situation a little more real. Anyway, thank you for reading and being faithful to my blog.

2010-02-03T22:11:00.000-08:00

If Lily didn't have a lifetime crib, I would want her to have this! How fun would that be as a little girl?!!!

2010-01-30T22:10:00.000-08:00

Adam started his second job today. Lily and I kept busy so the day went by fast. By mid week I think Lily and I will be REALLY missing him.

Not sure if I said what he was doing for his second job. But he is back to work at Walgreens as a pharmacy tech. It took a long time because he had to get a license back through the state.

I am so proud of my husband for being such a hard worker!

Spring In January

2010-01-25T14:49:00.001-08:00

We have been able to play outside because it has been so warm here, we are talking 50s. It has been so nice to have spring like weather in January. This last weekend we went across the street to a school and played.

It's kinda hard to see but she got her first muddy knee.

Personality!

2010-01-25T14:31:00.000-08:00

Lily has been a crack up lately. She has been doing the silliest things and I spend more time laughing than I think I ever have. I absolutely love her and anticipate what silly thing she might do next. Mommy's slippers.

She gives her daddy kisses more than anyone else.

Lily loves to dress up in random things. One of her favorites is wearing nothing but last years winter coat. Can you believe that coat is 3 to 6 month? It really isn't THAT small for her.

Don't worry I realize this is dangerous. I took the scissors away from her right after I got the shot. It was just too funny I couldn't resist!

She loves music, she has since I was pregnant with her.

First Trip to Mobius Children's Museum

2010-01-25T14:00:00.000-08:00

So this is a very late post but, that's ok. On New Year's Eve we went with some friends to Mobius. It's a children's museum that we have in our town. Lily was too small for the majority of activities that they have to offer but she still had fun. We won't go back until she is older and then we will get a year's membership.

There was a stage where you could play instruments, dress up, tap dance or ballet. She was very interested in tap dancing but even the smallest size shoe they had was much too big. Once she gave up on wearing the shoes she pranced around without. So cute!

They had a craft section. I thought she would have fun painting. As I was trying to get the apron on her she immediately went for the paint brush and stuck it right in her mouth. Green paint in her mouth and around. After her taste test she showed me the brush thus, dripping green paint all over my white sweatshirt. The painting didn't last long. I let her try it since after all we were both already a mess might as well see how she does with the actual painting. It didn't keep her interest long so, we moved on.

They had these little rider things. She LOVED them. She wanted to stay on them for a long time. Her legs were too short to work the properly but I helped her out and pushed her a long the track.

This was a water table that she enjoyed but again, she was slightly too little to play with it properly.

She loved this thing, what is it...bulldozer?

On the way out. It was a lot of fun and I can't wait to take again when she is older and taller.

An Awesome Stroller!

2010-01-04T15:44:00.000-08:00

Ok so I don't have a reason for a double stroller right now. But, I have multiple friends that I am sure could use this or I could save it in case I do need a double stroller. It's from Bumbleride and it's called the Indie Twin. It comes in so many different colors and is so versatile. It can be used from birth to toddler. I follow a blog called the Bragging Mommy and there is a contest giving one of these fabulous strollers away. I get 5 entries for blogging about it and normally I wouldn't enter a contest this way I think this looks like an awesome stroller. If you click on Bragging Mommy just above you can see what the stroller looks like and all the features it has. You can also enter the contest yourself if you choose, although I am hoping you don't because that makes me have a less chance of winning. Well, wish me luck!

I am back!

2010-01-03T20:55:00.000-08:00

It is 2010 now and I better give you all an update.

We had a GREAT December. It was filled with a lot of adventure for our little family of 3. I worked quite a bit the first half then had 2 weeks off for winter break. Every day of that break was filled with something and Adam was off a good portion of it so we had a lot of time together. Which was much needed as he will soon be working 7 days a week with his current job and a second job. We are not looking forward to this stage in our life but it is needed for us financially to get his doctor bills from his kidney stones paid off and a little money saved.

At the beginning of September Lily turned 15 months old! She is getting so big. She not only walks but is running all over the place. I feel like everyday she learns something new and seems just a little smarter. She has developed this sense of humor where she tries to show off and get attention through silly little comedy acts. It's hilarious! Since she turned 15 months she was due for a well child check. I had to work the day of the appointment. I did try to reschedule but they wouldn't have been able to get her in for almost a month so I just kept it. Never again will I miss a well child check appointment. I am grateful I have a husband who is able and willing to take her but, for my own peace of mind, I need to be the one to go. This was the first one I have missed and will be the last. So her stats from her check up thus: she weighs 20 lbs and 6 ozs which puts her in the 10th percentile. Her weight percentile has dropped at every well child check but she hasn't actually lost weights since her first couple weeks of life. Her pediatrician is not worried about it and neither am I. She eats, she drinks, she is growing, she is mentally alert and right where she needs to be as far as abilities. I can't remember her exact height but she is in the 50th percentile. That has dropped significantly too but, nothing is wrong, she is growing taller just not growing as much.

The weekend before Christmas some family members came in to town, my grandma, my cousin, and my uncle's wife. I enjoy the times I get to spend with this part of my family even though it's not very often. We are trying to rectify that but, it's hard. My brother and his girlfriend also came to town. So the girls I just mentioned, the 3 of us, and my bro and his girl went to lunch. It was a good time. Actually my cousin treated us to lunch which was such a blessing to us and so generous of her. After lunch Adam went home with Lily while I went shopping with my family. I don't know the last time I went shopping with my cousin. It was nice. Not that it was anything spectacular but, spending the time together was...well...like I said, nice!

We took Lily to see Santa a couple days before Christmas Eve. We were originally going to go with a friend and her son but my friend got sick. Then, my mom decided she wanted to take Lily so we went with her and my brother and his girlfriend wanted to come along, a friend of theirs also came. Lily had quite the crowd watching her sit upon Santa's lap for the first time. She did not enjoy Santa's lap. She cried and fought very hard to get down. They did snap a picture and she is not sobbing she just has the cutest most pathetic sad face. Then my mom treated all of us to Thomas Hammer before my brother's girlfriend had to catch her plane to get back home.

Christmas Eve we spent with my mom and brother. It was nice, pretty casual. We had dinner and opened a few presents. My mom got us a date night including dinner at Outback and a movie. She got Lily some books and a kitchen that she received Christmas morning.

Christmas morning my mom and brother came over to our house. My mom made us breakfast and when Lily woke up she came down to see all that Santa had brought her. Lily was really not interested in opening presents. She just didn't get the concept. She did play with her kitchen though, that we didn't wrap. It took Adam 3 hours to put it together and after that we weren't about to spend another bit of time wrapping it. Lily also got a baby stroller, some play food to go with her kitchen, a sock monkey, a tiny baby doll, and some Bible story books.

We then headed to my cousin's house for her annual Christmas brunch. A large amount of my extended family come to my cousin's house for brunch. (different cousin from the one that came to town the weekend before) It is the only day I see some of the relatives so I look forward to it. Plus, there are a couple of kids there for Lily to play with and my cousin and her husband are having a baby so there will be one more child for Lily to play with. We are excited about that. After the brunch we went home. We relaxed the rest of the day. Normally we go straight out to Adam's mom's house but this year we celebrated the day after Christmas. It was nice not to go to a bunch of places. We did stop by Adam's dad's house late afternoon. He lives about 2 minutes away so it was nice and close.

Saturday we drove out to Adam's mom's house and spent the day. We were blessed with gifts as we are every year. Lily got a child size, white, wooden rocking chair, an Elmo robot that says like 60 different things and is just awesome, a sled, and a beautiful cedar chest, stained a cherry color to use as a toy box. It's amazing! Adam and I were blessed with a large amount of movies, Wii Sports Resorts, Wii Mario Bros, an external hard drive, ceramic mixing bowls, rotating waffle maker, cookie sheets, socks, slippers, gift card, Bath and Body works lotions and soaps, snow tires, work clothes, and a box freezer. After opening gifts we just hung out. We ate dinner at about 3 then went home. It was relaxing! I really liked having Christmas celebrations split up amongst multiple days. It was much less stressful and it gave Lily some time to recover.

Before the year was up we went to Mobius Childrens' Museum with a friend and her son. It was our first time there. It's a great place, so much fun, so much for kids to do and learn. Lily was a little too short and young for many of the activities but that did NOT stop her from trying. They have an art center and we attempted to paint a picture. As I was tying the apron on she grabbed the brush right out of the paint cup and put it straight to her mouth then held it over to me where it dripped paint, a LOT, of paint on my WHITE jacket, it was green paint no less. I wasn't upset at all though, I thought it was funny. We attempted the paint a little more then decided to move on because she was clearly not old enough to handle painting. They had a stage with drum and tap shoes and dress up clothes. She loved watching people bang on the drums and tried tap dancing. All the shoes they had were much too big for her but she still tried. I think I am going to have to enroll her in some kind of dance class in a year or so. She will love it. I am going to buy a membership to the museum when she is a little older too. It was a great place and she loved it she was just a little small for the majority of the activities.

Well that covers the bigger stuff we did in our last month of 2009. I will post some smaller stuff in a separate post.

Update

2009-11-22T21:06:00.000-08:00

I have been absent from the blog world because I have recently joined Team Edward in the Twilight Saga. By joined I mean have been totally consumed by to the point of slightly obsessed. I watched the first movie and just had to read the books. So between a couple different friends I borrowed all 4 books and read all of them in 8 days. They are the BEST fiction books I have EVER read! I went and saw New Moon, the 2nd one of the Saga in theaters opening weekend and was completely impressed and am SOOO excited to see Eclipse in June.

I am asking for the series of books for Christmas. I really hope I get it! I can't wait to read the books again only I am going to take more time to read them, to really soak up every word and reflect on the story, the love between Edward and Bella and even Bella and Jacob.

Yesterday I was blessed with the chance to have a complete girl's day. Two friends of mine and I went to see New Moon then after the movie we went to the Custer's Christmas Arts and Craft Fair. The day was so much fun! I made Bella hats for us girls. It was the hat the Bella wore at La Push beach in Twilight. I think the girls liked them. The girl's day was definitely needed and I am so grateful that my husband agreed to letting me go.

Lily has given up crawling probably 95% of the time. She is so cute when she walks and she is getting faster and faster. She tries to run but her little body just doesn't work that way yet. She also said the word kiss today for the first time and right after she said it she puckered her lips to give me a kiss. It was the cutest thing!

Lily has definitely entered toddler-hood full force. She is very stubborn and throws many temper tantrums. We endured our first public temper tantrum a couple of weeks ago. It was NOT good. But, we survived and I know we are not the only people to have gone through this nor will we be the last and nor will that be the last time we ourselves go through a public temper tantrum. She is a good, sweet girl, she is just a toddler and mostly I think what frustrates her is the inability to communicate her needs to us. For that reason, I am really looking forward to her being able to talk more. As far as discipline goes, I have implemented time out which she doesn't really get right now, I have also spanked her-she gets spanked for things that are dangerous, touching the TV or buttons near the TV and for unwinding the toilet paper. I only spank her for those because nothing else was working. She actually rarely touches the toilet paper any more since spanking her for it. She has a tendency to scratch, hit, bite, and bang her head on the ground when she is mad. When she scratches, hits, or bites I just hold her hands down and firmly tell her that she can't do that because it's not nice and it hurts people. This is where I have implemented the time out. Discipline definitely take a LOT of work and it is definitely something that requires consistency. But she is a toddler and while I want to raise a well behaved child and will discipline her to the best of my ability and be consistent a lot of her behavior just goes with the territory of being a toddler.

We are part of a small group now. We meet on Sunday night and we have been doing it for a month or more. We really like it. It is nice to be a part of something, to work on bettering ourselves as Christians, and to fellowship with our friends. Plus, we have grown closer to these friends and that in it self has been an answer to my prayers as we haven't really had any friends that both Adam and I clicked with until now. We have always had my friends and his friends, they have never been one in the same until now.

Adam passed one of his kidney stones last week which was a HUGE blessing. We was schedule to have a procedure this coming Wednesday to remove the stone. Now, he doesn't have to have it and we don't have to pay for a second procedure as we are struggling with paying for the first failed procedure. He still has the other stone but it is supposed to be smaller so God willing, he will pass that one on his own without any more trips to the ER or without a procedure.

Adam also gets to have an 11 or so hour work week. He works Monday and a very partial day on Tuesday then he is off the rest of the week. I am so excited for him to be able to relax at home. He has spent the majority of his vacation time and sick time on days off because of his kidney stones. So it wasn't like he was enjoying his time off. I hope he enjoys this week off, he deserves a break.

I had a pretty nasty cold and passed it down to Lily. I ended up having to take her to the doctor where she was put on nebulizer. That hasn't been so much fun. She tolerates it ok I suppose. After over a week of Lily being sick she is finally improved but still has lots of junk in her chest that she needs to get out.

Well I think that is about it. I will try to put some pictures of Lily up soon. I have some good ones to share!

First Things First!

2009-11-22T20:49:00.000-08:00

Yes Halloween was almost almost a month ago but I promised Halloween pics and I can't break a promise.

So here you have it, some Halloween pics. We took Lily trick or treating with some friends of ours. Lily did a great job going door to door. It was like she knew exactly what to do. She would hold out her bucket and let the person at the door place a piece of candy in it or if she was given the opportunity she would grab one piece of candy from a candy bowl and place it in her bucket. As for her bucket she refused to let anyone carry it for her or even help her carry it. She carried it the entire 45 minutes we were out trick or treating with the exception of the last block we walked. She had a lot of fun and looked absolutely adorable as a little pink monster!

After trick or treating we went to my mom's church. They had jumping castle and she LOVED that.

When we got home she wanted to dig through her bucket as see all the goodies she got. We were mean parents and didn't let her have any candy. We just feel like she is too young for candy. She has since then had 2 dumb dumbs, a couple tiny pieces of chocolate and a couple licks of a tootsie pop. The non candy items I will save for her for when she is older.

I hope you enjoy the pictures. I apologize for being so late!

2009-11-05T20:30:00.000-08:00

So sorry for the lack of posts but I have been sick for a week now. With sickness comes lack of desire to write. When I am feeling better I will tell you about how fabulous our Halloween was, show you pictures of proof and do a Martin family update.

Overwhelmed!

2009-10-25T21:16:00.000-07:00

To say the least. My heart is heavy with all that has happened in the last 2 weeks with my family. I am so grateful for my support system made up by both family and friends. If it wasn't for them my heart would be buried deep in frustration. Thank you to my family and friends, I do not think I could get through any of the trials and challenges we have been faced with without your support.

I am overwhelmed with our finances. I figured out a budget for us and it turns out that with all of the medical bills we have accrued that one of us will have to get a second job, or try to any way. We figure out that one person can work weekends alone for 5 months and get all our medical bills paid off as opposed to paying our medical bills at the set up monthly payment for 3 years. It makes me sick to think we won't have weekends together as a family but, it also makes me sick to think about being strapped for money to the point of wondering how we are going to make all our bills for 3 years. Sure, I might get a teaching job before those 3 years are up, but there is no guarantee.

As a congregation my church is reading through a book called, The Whole in Our Gospel, by Richard Stearns, president of World Vision. It talks about "the least of these" and how so much of the world is poverty stricken. There are thousands upon thousands of children who die EVERY day for various reasons that directly relate to living in the depths of poverty. Most of the children could be saved easily if they could just receive adequate medical care and water. This book has a way of laying guilt on my heart for not doing enough to help "the least of these." I struggle with knowing how to help anyone else whether it be in my own community of over in some place like Africa while I struggle with how I am going to pay my own bills. I know I live a life of luxury in comparison to many others in the world. I have been racking my brain on where to cut back, or where I can find an extra $30 per month to sponsor a child, but I just don't see it. Is it a matter of just giving and having faith that God is going to provide for me and my household or is it ok to take care of my family and give at a time where it's a little easier? I just feel like some how I am being selfish. There I have another prayer goal!

2009-10-22T18:15:00.000-07:00

I threw out my back yesterday morning. How, you ask? Getting up off the couch to use the restroom. Yeah, ridiculous, right? I have a bad back that on occasion aches. 7 years ago it was pretty bad. I was put on a treatment plan with a chiropractor and after my insurance would no longer cover any more treatments, I stopped going. I haven't been back to the chiropractor since. I haven't been in such bad shape that I was willing to spend the money or the time. But, yesterday my pain put me to tears and made for a day subbing in a ~~zoo~~ kindergarten almost impossible and caring for Lily very challenging. Adam and I decided it was best for me to cancel the job I had today and stay home. My mom yet again came to our rescue and took the day off of work to come over, help with Lily, do my dishes, clean Lily's room and take me to the chiropractor, then after the chiropractor she took Lily to her house and spent the remainder of the day watching her until Adam got off work. Isn't my mom the best? I couldn't be more grateful but I am going to have to make all this up to her when we are all back up on our feet. Not sure what I will do though. Hmmm...

Ok anyway, I randomly chose a chiropractor out of the phone book. I was a little hesitant because so many chiropractors are not adequate, the do minimal adjustments to keep you coming back. I found a Christian chiropractic office so I went with that one. I called and they could see me in an hour and a half from when I called. I was excited, relief was just around the corner. We made it to the office, I sat down with the chiropractor in his office. He asked me about my pain and talked personally, he graduated from the same high school I did a long with my grandma, mom, aunts, uncles, brother, and some of my cousins. We joked about the reputation our alma mater has. He asked me if I had any questions. I asked him about using heat and ice. He confirmed what I already knew, that heat is bad if there is inflammation. We headed to the treatment room where my day began to improve! He looked over my whole body to see where it needed to be adjusted. He made his evaluation and told me what was wrong. My shoulders were out of place, I had severe tension in between my shoulder blades which is where my pain stems from so that I knew. My head was crooked from my spine being crooked. Now, the big part, the part that has nothing to do with the pain that I am in but created a great deal of pain on my heart. My pelvis is crooked. Yup, my pelvis is crooked, the part of a woman's body that a baby passes through when they are being birthed. The part of my body the Lily was stuck in because her head was tilted, oh so I was told. The chiropractor asked me if I was able to birth naturally. I said no, I was told my daughter's head was tilted. Well it turns out that her head wasn't crooked, I was crooked. No one told me my pelvis was crooked, I had no idea, I never had an ounce of back pain during my entire pregnancy. He said that women who have a crooked pelvis cannot pass a baby through the pelvis and chiropractic adjustments are crucial in the 3rd trimester and a lot of times OB's will notice and suggest a chiropractic adjustment during the mother's 3rd trimester. My OB never said anything about my pelvis, he failed me again. I started crying right there on the treatment bed and needed to apologize for being emotional because that was so upsetting to me. I tried so hard to have a natural birth and all I needed was a chiropractic adjustment to successfully birth naturally. I wouldn't have had a sick baby, I wouldn't have had a c-section, future births wouldn't have to be c-sections (if and only if we even have any more), I wouldn't have missed out on seeing and holding my baby right after she pushed her way out of me, instead of seeing her a day later after being cut out of me. I was shocked. After the treatment I came out and told my mom. She was PISSED to say the least. She was going on about taking legal action and there has to be something I can do, that I should write the OB a letter or better yet schedule an office visit and confront him. She was already furious with the OB that I had, this just tipped the cake. We can't go back and change what happened, there were no lasting effects on Lily. She is perfectly healthy and what was done was done. I won't be going back to previous OB, that for certain. I won't be recommending this OB to anyone either. But, I don't want to press it, it did after all happen 13 + months ago and won't change anything. I can't even say it would change the way he practices on other people. He is a big name doctor in my community and has a LOT of patients, I am sure he has the malpractice insurance to cover himself.

But, on a better note, I am feeling a little better. I am not aloud to lift or turn my head for a couple of days and I go back on Tuesday for another adjustment. I should be feeling 100% very soon!

2009-10-21T20:29:00.000-07:00

While some people choose to hang out at their local mall...

Others choose to hang out here:

Or even here:

Trying to Be Positive!

2009-10-21T10:20:00.000-07:00

I decided that in the midst of all my negativity I would give a small update on Lily and what she is doing at 13 1/2 months.

She is up to taking 7 steps independently. She is going at the walking thing at a very slow pace, but it's her pace and she has to do what works for her. We encourage her and give her opportunities to walk but, respect her decision to take her time.

She is almost always waking up once in the night, which is weird for her. Only about 2 nights a week does she sleep all the way through. I don't mind waking up once to nurse, it's when it is 2 times or more that I have a problem because at 13 + months, there is no need for her to do that.

When we ask her if she wants to go to bed or wants to change her diaper, she will happily, excitedly even crawl from where ever she is up to her room. So, if she is in the living room she will crawl into the kitchen, through the kitchen, up the stairs, through the playroom, pet the cat, and continue on into her room where I then lift her to the changing table. I think it's awesome! I feel like this is huge for a 13 month old. Maybe it's normal but, I was pretty stoked the first time she did it a couple weeks ago.

She plays peekaboo of course, what baby doesn't? But, she now hides, uncovers herself and says, "Boo!" Or she will storm into the bathroom when I am trying to go and she says, "Boo!" upon entering. It's hilarious and she has makes the cutest little "boo" noise I have ever heard.

That's about it. Like I said, it was a small update.

2009-10-19T21:05:00.000-07:00

Our weekend started with a trip to the ER. Adam has been battling kidney stones in both kidneys for months now. He even had lithotripsy on one side over the summer to try to break up the one that was giving him trouble so he could potentially pass it easier. The procedure didn't work. He has been in pain off and on. He was given a prescription for hydrocodone and has been taking those as needed to minimize the pain, he often sits with a heating pad on the couch and even sometimes is in so much pain he can't finish a meal sitting in our dining room chairs and has to take his dinner to the living room. Friday after I got off work I received a message on my phone saying my mom was coming to get him and Lily to take him to the hospital because his pain from the kidney stones was so bad. Then I read a text message saying to disregard his message. It turned out that by the time my mom got to our house after leaving work early his pain had let up. My mom stayed for a while, changed Lily's diaper and put Lily down for a nap. She left and before Lily woke up for her nap I got home. He was in pain but it was manageable. We just stayed at home and took it easy. Adam had no appetite and just felt overall lowsy. I put Lily down, we watched a movie, we then began to get ready for bed as Adam's pain hit him REALLY hard. He decided he couldn't make it any more at home that he needed to something stronger to deal with the pain. We decided to take a trip to the ER. I called my mom and fortunately and surprisingly she answered because by now it was 11 o'clock and she goes to bed normally at 8. My mom came and stayed over so we didn't have to wake Lily up. We went to the hospital where Adam was given some morphine to stop the pain and they took an x-ray where they found out both kidney stones are in the ureter. We were sent on her way with a prescription for more hydrocodones. We relieved my mom of her babysitting duties. The following day we were supposed to have family pictures but Adam was still not feeling, understandably so...we didn't get home until 3 am, so family pictures became solely Lily's one year pictures. Adam spent all of Saturday in pain. He did as much as he could with us, including picking out a pumpkin for Lily and driving 30 or so minutes away to pick up the disc of Lily's pictures. Sunday came and he was still not feeling well. He made it through the day lounging at home while Lily and I went to church and later went to small group. It was once again time for bed, I actually made it into bed. Adam on the other hand stayed downstairs. He called me on the phone and said the pain was too bad. We yet again decided to head to the ER. I had talked to my mom hours before and she was definitely going to bed so we had no choice but to take her with us. We woke her up and headed out the door. We arrived to a VERY busy ER. There were so many people most of which were sick with the flu. Many were wearing masks and I counted 3 people that were holding buckets and vomitting in them and NOT wearing a mask. I was really upset. I had texted my mom but she didn't respond which I figured. Adam thought he could call his mom and have her come in to town and stay with him at the hospital while I took Lily back home. I wasn't fond of that idea because she has cancer and works full time, she needs her rest and can't miss any more work than she already does. I decided I would leave to take Lily to my mom's house. I felt bad having to wake my mom up in the night again but I felt I had no choice, I REALLY didn't want Lily at that hospital around all the sick people and why on earth these people weren't wearing masks is beyond me. I was so disgusted by it and freaked out. My mom was so understanding and didn't mind watching Lily. I went back to the hospital. Adam was in a room by the time I got back. This time the doctor gave him a prescription that will dilate the ureter so hopefully the stones will pass with no problems. He had to take 2 trips to the ER for someone to prescribe him medicine that might actually help the problem. We really can't afford any more trips to the ER, I am not sure how we are going to afford the 2 trips we just took. We went to see Adam's urologist this afternoon. We waited for 45 minutes for the doctor to show up to the office. We were annoyed. Lily was with us and it was nap time. She was so cranky. The doctor arrived and told him that the stone that has been giving him all the trouble can't even be seen on the x-ray that he just had right before the appointment but that the size of the stone doesn't effect the pain, it's the blockage that is painful. But since it can't be seen there isn't anything that can be done. Frustrating! He has to live with the pain until the stone passes. He has had the stone for maybe 6 months or so and it is just outside the kidney, it has a long way to travel to pass. The other stone that is not giving him so much trouble is just a few inches away from passing so that is good news. I feel bad for him and me. I am really praying that the medication works and that the stone will start trying to escape. If it was lower they could go in and get it with a scope but it's in a place that can't be reached in any procedure. The doctor gave him a prescription for perkiset (sp?) so maybe that paired with ibuprofen will control the pain better than the hydrocodones.

We have been tired and looking forward for some normalcy in our life to return. Hopefully next weekend will be better!

One Year Pictures!

2009-10-17T20:33:00.000-07:00

We had Lily's One Year Photos done today and got them on CD today. Yes our photographer is fast and amazing! We will be using our friend Monika to do our pictures from now on. We went to Riverfront Park here in our town. It's a beautiful park all year round. It is downtown and our river runs through the park. It's beautiful. The weather this morning was PERFECT! The sun was shining in just the right way, it was not too cold, nor too hot. Goldilocks would have loved it just as much as we did. Anyway, Lily did great. She loved to see all of the ducks that were in the river which created a lot of great expressions. Without further ado, Lily's pictures...enjoy!

Totally content.

I love her expression here. I wonder what exactly she was thinking.

Look at those mysterious eyes.

Isn't this one just great? It's hilarious.

Isn't she just the most perfect little girl you have ever seen? I could stare at her all day long, every day for the rest of my life! I just adore her! Now, I have to face the challenge of deciding which ones to print. There are a lot more than these and they are all just SOOO good!

2009-10-15T19:38:00.000-07:00

I am doing something I don't normally do on this blog and that is...do I dare say it? Complain. Not about anyone, just about how I have been feeling lately. This will let you take a peek at the inside of me. It's just a glimpse though.

I have been feeling lately, like my character is flawed, like my self-worth is very minimal, like no matter what I do or how hard I try I let someone down...my family mainly, my self, my professional contacts. In the last week I have had two or more rather frustrating conversations that have made me feel very small and very lacking in many areas and has got me thinking about how I need to become a better person. I will not go into great detail on this one but a family member had not one complaint, but two complaints about my behavior and choices I have made. The behavior was a comment I made and the choice had to do with Lily and who she spends her time with. I reacted to this person talking to me quite well, but after this person left my home I fell a part, I lost it. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. This happened over the weekend and to this day, Thursday, I am still thinking about it. Adam says not to worry about it but I can't help it. So my problem is that A. I need to watch what I say and how I divide Lily's time or B. Figure out a way to not stew on comments/complaints people say to me. I am not sure which it is but either way I feel like an awful person and that I need to give myself an internal makeover.

The second thing was I got word that I won't be doing this long term sub job I was told I would get to do this winter. Another person was picked because she knows the new report card system and I do not. It is a valid reason to choose someone else but I was really looking forward to this and felt like I was getting a break. I know I haven't been subbing long but I am feeling discouraged. I am starting to question my skills as a teacher. I feel like I am good at what I do but feel like maybe I am the only one who thinks so. I have no confidence in myself and wish I knew how to gain some.

You see, I actually have really low confidence in EVERY area of my life. I find it hard to not be envious of other people. I envy people for more than I am willing to admit. I am tired of not being happy with myself and not being confident in myself.

I also have been questioning my character in the kindness area. Oh sure, I am kind to my friends, acquaintances, and strangers but I am not so kind to the very people/person (hubby) that I hold near and dear to my heart. I can be down right rude and never think before I speak, I am easily frustrated and act like I am in competition with my dear husband rather than on the same team. He doesn't deserve that, not in the slightest. I love him so much and want to treat him better and show him more respect.

It is my desire to forgive myself, to let things go, to be kind, to think before I speak and lastly be 100% satisfied and more than satisfied, overjoyed with my life and who I am. Those are the areas I am going to take on to complete an internal makeover. Anyone have any advice?

Some Cuteness!

2009-10-13T20:35:00.000-07:00

I have been slacking in the blog area but I have been quite productive in the money making area as I have been working EVERY day! So to make up for my blogging absence I will now load you with pictures, cute pictures might I add. They are totally random and in order of most recent. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do. Doing it this way was much easier than individual posts and I just needed to get you all caught up. So enjoy!

This last weekend we went to Greenbluff, a local farm that hosts a Harvest Festival every year. Greenbluff is my favorite thing to do in the month of October. They have delicious pumpkin donuts, made fresh right there as they are ordered practically, they have the best apple cider, they make the "fresh" apple cider you get from the grocery store taste pretty nasty. There a various farms around with HUGE pumpkin patches. We didn't go pick pumpkins this year because we will be doing that some where else this weekend. They did have what thehy called Pumpkin Land. We walked Lily over to that and she really liked the pumpkins. We were not at Greenbluff long because it was freezing! Lily's face turned bright red. After we stood in line for our donuts, stood in line for our cider, ate a donut, and played at pumpkin land we headed home. It was short and sweet!

Even though we were not there long, Lily still got tired and fell asleep on the way home.

She rode in this car at the hospital while she was waiting to have her second eye procedure. She hated getting out of it, LOVED being in it. Now she sees them at the grocery store, you know the ones that are attached to the carts and has to ride in them. She's so cute and looks so big!

The lighting stinks but this has got to be the cutest couple of pictures ever! Lily loves Peaches, our Boston Terrier, and Peaches loves her. They truly look like best friends here.

First carousel ride. This was in Seattle right by the Space Needle. She actually didn't like the carousel. I thought she might because she pointed in excitement when she saw it.

Check out the hair!

At the UW campus. She is so prestigious, can you tell?

Taking charge of the Red Square with her Uncle Matt! I think she is ready to by a Husky! Maybe I should fill out the application for her. I am sure she would get in, just look at her, she is brilliant!

Playing at the park.

I love my Lily and I hope you love her too!

Menu Planning

2009-10-06T18:13:00.000-07:00

I started menu planning for the month of October and I have already failed. I do not have the ingredients for anything I have on the menu for the next 3 days and I didn't have anything on the menu at all for last night and tonight. Menu planning is hard and takes so much time. I am wondering if it's worth it. Someone please tell me it is!

Busy, Busy, Busy!

2009-10-05T20:55:00.000-07:00

Work has been busy. This week is a 4 day week because there isn't school for students or subs on Friday as it is a teacher work day. I worked today and am already booked the rest of the week. Cold/Flu season is in full swing which means more jobs for me. I need to stay as healthy as I can but, have already been battling a cold which fortunately I am slightly winning that battle. I am excited to earn a full paycheck at the end of the month. Then I have one more paycheck until Christmas. I am trying to work as much as I can because I want to be able to buy some gifts for some family members and also make it financially through the winter when I am off of work for 2 to 4 weeks and be able to enjoy the gift giving season without feeling guilty of spending too much.

Anyway, back to being busy. Lily had her procedure. I don't know if I updated or not. I am still not sure if it was successful. It has been leaking but not as much and it could just be drainage. Right after the procedure she had drainage out her eye and nose. The drainage turned right into a cold so it's really hard to say. We go back to the opthamologist in 2 weeks and Lily is still on the eye drop antibiotics for 1 more week.

I have decided to nurse Lily only when I want to and at specific times. That has definitely helped in my feeling frustrated. It is, like I thought it would be, easier now that I am working more. I don't think she minds the new schedule of nursing either, she still gets to do it when she wants to most but, I am not letting her nurse throughout the day just because she wants to.

She gets closer and closer to walking by the day. She now stands and has even taken a couple of steps when we ask her, "Lily, can you walk?" She just needs a little more courage. We do cheer her on and tell her she is doing a good job. We stand there, in front of her, with arms out and smiles are our faces saying, "Come on, Lily! You can do it!" Her little knees shake and she gets so excited but something holds her back from just stepping out. One time she took one step and fell then another time she took 2 steps and reached her destination, her daddy's arms. She will get there in her own time I just hope it's soon because she is getting awfully heavy and all of her friends are walking and leaving her in the dust while she so desperately wants to be with them, right there, walking and running around. She is quite the climber. She climbs on everything she can and has been doing that for a couple months now.

Seattle was good. We didn't do much, just hung out with family and friends. Lily had a really hard time on the drive. She cried for much of the way there and much of the way back. On the way there she got so mad at me she just glared in anger at me, which was a new thing for her and me, kinda made me a bit sad. I guess that means we need to take more trips over so she gets used to the drive.

She is developing a toddler sized temper. When she is mad she bangs her against something, even our hardwood floor. It's not good because she has actually bruised her head a couple times but I don't know how to stop the behavior. I try to ignore it but she just bangs again and again. Adam doesn't want to ignore it because he doesn't want her to injure her head which makes sense, but I have been told that the best way to change a 1 year old's bad behavior is to ignore it. I don't know what to do.

Friday, I will try to post some pictures of our Seattle trip. I think that is all the updating I can do for one night.

2009-09-25T09:59:00.000-07:00

It has been a while but I just wanted to pop on and let you know a little of what is going on in our life. We are headed out in a couple of hours to go to Seattle. I can't wait! It is going to be a beautiful, splendid weekend!

Lily had her pre-op appointment for her procedure that is coming up on Tuesday. She is good to go unless she gets sick. We are still praying that the balloon catheter is a success and we can be done with the tear duct problems.

Subbing is picking up a little. I have been working about every other day with a couple of days already filled up in October.

Oh and it's already October next week! Holy moly people! It's October, the fall, beautiful autumn is finally here! Harvest festival here we come, Lily's first pumpkin carving here we come, Halloween, here we come, holiday season kick off here we come! Oh I just can't wait!!! Can you tell?

I went to the Just Between Friends Sale here in our town last night. It is the largest consignment sale in our area. HUGE!!! They discourage you from bringing small children and Adam was supposed to have a dinner with the class he has been taking for the last few weeks AND my mom had her bowling league so, for the first time we had to find a sitter for Lily. I called up my sister in law and asked if her and her husband (my husband's brother) wanted to do it. They agreed and so I forewarned them that she is still nursing and never been without me until latest 8 and that was with her dad and it was an awful time. She cried and cried and pushed him away, crawled to the door and was crying out, Mama, Mama. Sad right. But the girl has to learn at some point to be without me in the evening. So anyway, they were warned. I told them all the different things they could give her for dinner. I showed them her room and where all of her toys are in the different areas of the house. They were set. I sat down with her on the floor so she would start playing with some toys and she started crying before I even reached the door. I got home to find out that Adam had arrived 10 minutes after I left, that he wasn't able to attend the dinner because the person that drove him didn't want to go, and that Lily did not stop crying even once in the 10 minutes she was with her Aunt and Uncle. Adam was disappointed he did go to the dinner but I was relieved on Lily's part and my brother in law and sister in law.

The sale was great though. I was able to get a table and 4 chairs, a kitchen (which will be Lily's Christmas present), many pairs of cute jeans size 12 months and 18 months most of which came with a top, 2 pairs of cute winter boots in size 3 and size 4 because I am just not sure what size she will be in, and some toys for my mom's house, a red winter dress coat, and some PJs. I spent a bit more than I was planning but I just couldn't pass up all I got. I wanted to get a potty chair and a wagon but wasn't able to. They didn't have any of the potty chairs I want her to have and I missed the last wagon by mere seconds and had I been looking in the right direction at the right time I would have gotten one. The people who were in front of my in line got the last one which I was a little upset with because one girl let another girl cut and the wagon was for the girl that cut in line. I know I am not in elementary school any more but I REALLY wanted a wagon. The next sale I will be more observant in hopes of getting a wagon.

Well that is really about it for us right now. I hope all of my incredible readers are enjoying life at it's fullest!

More on the Optometrist

2009-09-17T11:36:00.000-07:00

Lily had her post-op appointment today. The doctor did confirm that the procedure was NOT successful. Ugh! The next step is to do another procedure that is a probe like the last with a balloon catheter. A balloon catheter is the same thing they do in the arteries when people have a heart attack. Basically, they will go into the eye, insert the balloon, blow it up to stretch the duct out and deflate the balloon and then they are done. If you want more information on what Lily is going through you can check out this site here. She goes in on the 29th. The procedure is about 5 minutes longer than the first procedure. They are also going to look a little closer at the tear duct to see if they can determine why her tear duct failed with the first procedure and why it clogs, they are also going to try to turn her tear duct to bend the opposite way, which seems weird but I trust the doctor, I know that HE knows what he is doing. The success rate for the balloon catheter is 85%, which is 10% less successful than the first and she failed with that one. I am hoping, praying that this procedure works for her because the next step is to have a silicone tube intubation. This is where they will put a tube down her tear duct and it stays in for about 6 months. It is also visible from the outside. The doctor told us about times where children have had the tube pulled out by uninformed day care providers and once even by another child. He said that if no one pulls the tube out then that procedure is 100% successful. So we will do what we need to do but like I said, I just hope this next procedure works. The silicone tube scares me. Well, if you can keep Lily and me in your thoughts and prayers. Thank you!

To Wean or Not to Wean

2009-09-16T15:17:00.000-07:00

There is some VERY personal information on the subject of breastfeeding and boobs in this post. Read on at your own risk. There is a warning before the real personal part begins.

I have been struggling with this for maybe a month or more. I know I posted a while back about it but I feel my thoughts on the matter have changed so I need to update and get some input. Lily is 1 year now and still wants to nurse every chance she gets. I also nurse her before putting her to bed at nap time and night time. She nurses 5 or more times in a day along with eating 3 meals and 2 snacks. It is very much a comfort thing for her, not that she wants to nurse when she gets hurt or whatever but, that is just how she likes to spend her time with me.

I have a couple problems with this. The first is ever since she got her top teeth it hurts! Every time she gets a new tooth it hurts REALLY bad. She isn't biting (she only did that once), just sucking harder and it takes her some time almost a week to adjust to having the new tooth. Teething have been popping in non stop. She has 8 teeth now and they take FOREVER to grew in all the way. Even when she isn't get a new tooth it still hurts.

Here goes the personal part.

The second problem I have is when Lily is nursing she likes to squeeze and squish the other side with her hand. It drives me crazy. It doesn't hurt but there is something about her little hands doing that to my body that is hard for me to stand. I feel frustrated. I know it's her enjoyment and comfort but, it is really hard for me. So next for the sake of you readers fully understanding my problem with this, I have to admit that my husband is a boobs person. He is attracted to that area of my body. Maybe because that's the only semi-attractive part of it. But anyways it is hard for me to allow him or not make an icky, oh this is so uncomfortable face to him because Lily does the same thing. I feel that too much of my time is spent with having my boobs touched, squished, milked, bothered. I get that a man needs some sort of satisfaction in that kind of way. I try to be understanding to both him and Lily. But it does something to the inside of me that makes me feel icky. I can't let my daughter do the same thing my husband is doing to me. It doesn't feel good when either touch me. I know that it is two separate things to them but to me it is the same. Adam doesn't really get it and I don't expect him to, nor have I made a real effort to explain it to him because I have a hard time explaining it in a way that won't upset him or to pinpoint exactly how I feel at all other than I just don't like it.

So it was my intent to nurse until she is 2 just cut back on how often. Now I am feeling like I don't want to nurse at all. When I first had her and heard of mothers wanting to wean after a year because they wanted their body back I didn't get it. But boy do I ever get it now. The thing is though, I have absolutely no idea on how to wean. I don't want to upset her. But does that just have to happen in order for us to wean and just trust that over time she will get over it? I thought it would get easier once I started working but subbing has been REALLY slow. I just don't know what to do. Does anyone have any advice or similar situations? Does anyone even understand how I feel? Would a Le Leche League person be able to help with this? Do they cost money to talk to? I am beginning to sound a bit desperate here. Maybe I am!

Show and Tell

2009-09-14T21:04:00.000-07:00

I thought I would share with you just one of the projects I have completed this summer. I am very proud of it. I do apologize for the terrible self taken pictures. It didn't take long to knit up. It is super thick and will be very cozy this winter. If you like it and want one I would be happy to make one for you for a small price.

Catching Up

2009-09-14T15:54:00.000-07:00

Last Monday was Lily's first birthday. Since we had already celebrated Lily's birth with a party we didn't do a whole lot. We hung around the house mainly. My mom; however, made Lily her very own huckleberry pie for her birthday. She enjoyed part of that after dinner. Because even though it was little it was still much too large for a 1 year old to devour on her own in one sitting.

The Pie!

Can you say zombie? But she is actually an innocent 1 year old, living, human being. I promise.

And just so it is clear to everyone that Lily is in fact 1 now...

We were not being mean, we promise. It was purely out of fun and needing to prove that Lily is a year old now. We really do love our Huckleberry Zombie and she loves us. It is evident here:

Saturday was my birthday. I turned 27! 3 more years 'til I hit the big 3-0. Yikes!!! I don't actually know what to think of that. I have so much to do before I get into my 30s. When I was young I wanted to be married, have a career, and have 4 kids before reaching 30. I am married-check, and that is as far as I get. I have 1 child and a degree I use to substitute teach. I wouldn't call substitute teaching a career. I love it but having my own classroom with a contract and a salary is what I would call a career. I won't ever put a check behind the 4 children part. I will be lucky if I can put a half check as in lucky if I have 2 kids. Anyway, before I am 30 I want to lose all the weight that I want to lose which is 75 pounds because it will be much easier to do in my 20s than my 30s. So I have my work cut out for me. My priorities now are lose weight and get a contracted teaching job before I am 30. Wish me luck!

On with my birthday celebration. We woke up the morning of my birthday and Adam made us all blueberry pancakes for breakfast. Adam is a GREAT pancake maker. We hung out at home for a while and then got ready to head to our local fair. It is tradition for me to attend the fair for my b-day. We didn't go last year because we were having a baby so I was really looking forward to it this year. When we arrived we looked as some of the outdoor kiosks. We then headed inside to see all the different products that they had. A nice man from Shriners gave Lily a sticker. I think she didn't know how to feel about her sticker. She later, took it off and put it down my shirt.

We went to the craft section which is one of my favorite parts of the whole fair. I love to do crafts myself so it's a lot of fun for me to admire the work of exceptional crafters and children crafters. We looked at the flower section where they had some of the most beautiful Dahlia's.

After we looked at the flowers we headed over to the animals. Lily really liked the goats. She was in the sling at this point and kept trying to get out of the sling and into each goat's area.

After we were done seeing all of the animals we decided we better get something to eat. My favorite, FAVOREITE part of the fair I will admit has always been the food specifically a giant burrito from Senor Froggy, a giant block of curly fries, and a Berry-Ka-Bob. There are definitely other food items that I think are good too like the giant, hand-dipped corn dog. Yummy. And a elephant ear, yummy too. I had heard rumor that Senor Froggy wasn't at the fair last year. I had to see for myself this year and sure enough, it wasn't there. I was bummed. Never again will I be able to indulge in a giant burrito because no you cannot just go to any of the local Senor Froggy's and order a giant burrito it is (was) a fair only item. So, I chose this year to have a giant corn dog. It was yummy. Adam and my mom had one too. We all shared a big block of curly fries which I was actually disappointed in because it wasn't crispy all, just greesy potatoes between 3 adults we barely ate half. Lily had chicken nuggets that she really wasn't in to. She much prefered her puffs, then a good nap. After our dinner and dessert of a Berry-Ka-Bob and a Huckleberry milk shake we headed home. It was a good day. I am so excited to go next year when Lily can ride a llama and maybe, just maybe the super huge ferris wheel, plus be able to pet the animals and not get so cranky or need to be held as much. Now off to begin Lily's 2nd year and my 27th year!

2009-09-09T21:38:00.001-07:00

So in my preparation for Lily's birthday or at least that is what I am blaming it on, I forgot to update all of you of what happened with Lily's tear duct procedure. Well it went just fine. The procedure was very quick. I wasn't aloud to be with her during the procedure so my mom and I walked to the cafeteria and my mom bought me a doughnut to help ease my nerves. The doughnut was delicious, I would say better than Krispy Kreme actually. We ate our doughnuts and went to the waiting room. As soon as we were done eating the doctor came in to tell us that the procedure went as planned and they flushed water through the tear duct and it went right through. He then said she was awake and ready to see her mama. My mom and I walked back to see her and she was sitting up playing with the nurse. She was fascinated with the nurse's stethoscope. She was glad to see us but didn't cry or anything. Then the doctor came back along with another nurse and they went on about how they had a future nurse on their hands. I was saying in my head, "Future nurse? You mean future doctor!" Anyway, after a few more minutes she was ready to come home and was perfectly fine. She acted like nothing ever happened to her. The doctor wanted to continue her on the eye drops for 2 weeks and see her for a follow up in 3. It has been 2 weeks so she is off her eye drop antibiotic and we go to the doctor in 1 week. Here is where the problem lies, well you know how I said she acted like nothing happened? Well, apparently nothing did because her eye still leaks just as it did before the procedure. So, I am pretty certain that the procedure that was supposed to be 95% successful was not so in Lily's case but on her follow up appointment we will know for sure that it was not successful and see what the doctor says. There are other things they can do for her. For example, having her tear duct taken out and replaced with an artificial tear duct. I am not sure about that. That procedure will be much more involved, Lily will be put out and under anesthesia for longer than 10 minutes. That makes me SOOO nervous. I am just frustrated that the procedure didn't work in the first place. But I am not going to get too worked up until Lily goes in for her follow up on the 17th.

Sorry for the late update but better late than never, right? Right!

Committed!

2009-09-08T21:54:00.000-07:00

1. I have committed to using less paper products. I started Labor Day. I am challenging myself to use 3 paper towels per day (no more drying dishes with paper towels), 1 to 3 less square(s) of toilet paper each time I use the restroom, and 1 paper plate per week. This is huge for us. In the past, until yesterday I would use paper towel after paper towel and we would eat off of paper plates at LEAST one meal per day but most of the time 2 meals per day.

2. I have committed to working out at least 20 minutes per day five days per week with my Wii Active. I completed the 30 day challenge back in June and it felt great but it never went any further than that. I am back on a new 30 day challenge and I upped the intensity level. Today was day 2.

3. I have committed to swiffering the living room floor and the kitchen floor 3 times per week as soon as we get to the store to buy more swiffer cloths. (We just ran out today.)

4. I have committed to welcoming my husband home at the door when he comes home from work, not sitting on the couch on the computer or watching TV.

5. I have committed to start menu planning, making a months menu and shopping list to implement it the beginning of October.

6. I have committed to search for ways I can save our family money or make our family some money. Anyone have any tips or ideas?

7. I have committed to showing my husband I love him by doing a little something for him at least once per week.

8. I have committed to keeping all of my craft stuff off of the kitchen table during dinner time.

Anyone want to help me keep my commitments? I made need a serious accountability partner.

One Year Ago Part 3

2009-09-07T08:00:00.000-07:00

Day 3, Final Day...She finally came.

I was told that if I didn't have to be put under that I could have 1 person with me. Naturally I thought Adam would go, but he was so unprepared and scared he was hesitant to go which made me cry harder. He knew it was the right thing though. He came with and my mom waited eagerly and as patiently as she could and as close by as she could. By the time the c-section took place it had been just over 24 hours since my bag had been broken. Oh and I forgot to mention that there was a LOT of merconium, a LOT. Poor girl was swimming around in that stuff for who knows how long.

We got into the operating room. I laid on the table and couldn't see a whole lot. I heared a LOT of voices. I do know there were 2 doctors, 1 anesthesiologist, many nurses, 1 scared husband, and 1 scared wife. The new doctor who came to assist introduced himself to me. Right above my head was Adam and the anesthesiologist (different from the initial one). The anesthesiologist assured me that I would NOT feel pain that I would feel pressure and tugging. I hesitantly nodded my head and they did a check to see if I felt anything. I didn't feel anything at that time but as soon as they had opened me up and got inside of me, I felt it! It was the worst pain I could ever imagine. I started crying loudly, VERY loudly. I was given more meds and more meds, it still hurt. It just kept getting worse and worse and I was crying and yelling and then my whole upper body began convulsing. The anesthesiologist said I needed to calm down, that I shouldn't been feeling any pain, just pressure, I said it hurts, it hurts, he calmly and lovingly told me I needed to calm down. Adam held my hand and tried to assure me it was ok but he knew by the convulsions it was NOT ok. He did the best he could. I am proud of him for just being there and watching it all happen.

Finally they announced the baby was out. I didn't hear anything. I was confused, I had been told that if everything was fine I could see the baby right away. That was not happening. Moments later I finally heard a cry and I smiled inside. I couldn't see the baby though. They needed to clean her up and get the merconium sucked out. The next step was getting the rest out of me, massaging my uterus and sewing me back up. It took a while for this next step to actually begin. They asked Adam if he would like to go see his baby and he physically could not get up out of his chair, he also wanted to be with me but I told him and the nurses told him that he needed to be with the baby and that I would be fine. They kindly showed me my baby all bundled in a blanket and hat, let me kiss her cheek. My first thought when I saw her was, oooh a mini Adam, she is beautiful. Then they whisked her away to the nursery. My family just left while I lay waiting for the worst part to come. The anesthesiologist never left me, he was there encouraging me and even put his hand on my shoulder. During the convulsions he actually gave me a conscious sedative to calm me down. That stopped the convulsions but not the pain. When they massaged my uterus they actually took it outside of my body and massaged it. Between that and cleaning me out, I had never felt so much pain in my life. It was all I could do to lay there and cry as loud as I could while they did their job. I was finally stitched up and instead of being able to go to my baby I went into my room to recover for 45 minutes while my baby had to be in the nursery. I had no idea what was going on. I was alone, no husband, no mother, no baby, just my wonderful nurse who was there to take care of me not find out what was going on with my baby. She did though as soon as she could and let my mom come in to talk to me even when I was supposed to be alone, recovering. They were able to take a picture and bring it to me. I just stared at the picture, admiring the beauty of my baby girl and longing for the time I could finally just embrace her in my arms.

No, I am sorry, this is not that picture.

After the 45 minute recovery I finally learned of what was going on with my baby, born at 9 lbs 5 ozs and 21 and 3/4 in long. She was sick from the merconium and couldn't regulate her oxygen level so, she was under an oxygen tent. I also learned that when they cut me open and began to pull Lily out she had the umbilical cord around her neck AND her stomach. They said she most likely would have died had she come out vaginally.

She had to stay there in the nursery while I had to stay in my bed. I couldn't move, I had just had major surgery after all. Adam spent the next while going back and forth from me to the baby. A kind nurse snuck Lily in to see me so I could try to nurse her. That was the first time I got to really see her, to hold her, to try and nurse her. It was a very short, failed attempt. She screamed and I had no clue of what I was doing. After 10 minutes the nurse needed to bring her back to the nursery and back to her oxygen tent. When I finally got enough strength to get out of bed all I could do was get up to sit in a wheel chair. But, that was progress and I was very proud of that progress. I was wheeled to the nursery. The oxygen tent was elevated to where I couldn't see her from down in my wheel chair nor could I stand up to see her. The only thing I saw and could reach was her foot. I held her little foot and as happy as that made me my heart was still aching because all I wanted to do was hold her. It wasn't until the next day that I was able to hold her in my arms for the first time. She was beautiful and looked JUST like her daddy. I stared at her and held her for as long as I could but eventually my time was up and she had to go back under the oxygen tent and I, back to bed.

Little by little I gained more strength and so did Lily. After 2 and 1/2 days Lily was finally able to come stay with me in my room. It took 2 and 1/2 days for her to regulate her oxygen level on her own and for me to give her 3 successful feedings. Nursing was hard, very hard. It took us a full day and night to get that figured out. Many nurses tried to help and one nurse was so patient with me and just knew the missing piece. Whatever she said and did, just clicked. The first night with Lily in our room she screamed the whole night. I was tired and in pain. I couldn't stand up and walk her around the room to try to console her. The nurses finally took her to the nurses station so Adam and I could get some much needed sleep. In the morning they brought her back to me and she was happy as a clam and ready to eat.

We were there in the hospital with her a total of 4 days, 6 days all together. We finally got to bring her home the day before my birthday.

All dressed and ready to come home.

I will leave you with this last picture. Me standing, how good it felt to finally stand up straight, holding my precious beauty ready to go home and start our life as a family of 3.

On an after note: Lily's birth was VERY hard on us. My pregnancy was PERFECT. I was not sick, I was able to continue working on up to the day I was induced and I finished school without any problems. There was no sign of a sick baby. This experience caught us completely off guard. A lot, if not all of my family members who have had children gave birth naturally without any problems. But, what would I have done had I known all of this was going to happen? Lily's birth has left me with a lot of questions. Could things have been different? What would have happened had we waited for me to go into labor on my own? It would have happened eventually right? Could the doctor had done things differently? I have spent too much time over the past year asking these questions. It's not going to change what happened. It is what it is. But, this experience is what lead my husband to make the decision that he does NOT want any more children. Which breaks my heart to pieces. I grew up my whole life wanting 4. No way do I want to go through 4 c-sections but I do want to brave through 1 more c-section to give Lily a sibling so that she doesn't have to be alone in her life, so that she will have someone to learn to share with, someone to argue with, someone to play with, to make up silly games with, to talk to on road trips besides her boring parents, someone to plan our funerals with, someone to spend the holidays with as an adult with their families and after spend time together we are dead so she never has to feel alone or abandoned. I have been told that I have to have c-sections from here on out because of of how low I was cut. Honestly, I am ok with that because I can't go through another emergency c-section after a long labor. My heart and body just couldn't handle that again. It was much too difficult on many levels. But I know I can be strong enough to have a planned c-section, one where I have 9 months to prepare for and one that doesn't come right after a day and half of failed labor and an hour and a half of failed pushing. I am not ready for another child right now. I am still content with the one I have been blessed with. I also need to find a job and really get settled into my career. But in a few years I would like another child. Maybe by then my husband will change his mind or maybe he never will. As much as I did love being pregnant, I often wonder if I would have enjoyed my pregnancy just a little more had I known that may have been my only pregnancy. I do know that I try to cherish each stage Lily enters because I may not be there to witness another child go through those same stages, I also have tried the rare nights she kept me up because she wanted a little extra time with her mama or because she wasn't feeling well. I love her and everything about her I do hope and pray I have another child I can love just as much one day.

But, today it's not about that. Today is about the life and the last year we have had with Lily. She is beautiful and amazing. She is the light of our life and I honestly can't imagine not having her in my life. I have thoroughly enjoyed watching her grow and my gosh it has happened SOOO fast. I love her more than life it self and am so thankful that God has blessed us with HER! She has been such a joy, such a gift to us. She is funny and oh SOOOO affectionate. She loves her animals and she loves her mama and daddy. She likes to eat and she likes to nurse ALL the time. She is sensitive and gets sad when someone leaves her or when the doggie doesn't want to be pet. She enjoys sleep almost as much as her mom. Her favorite things to do are give kisses and hugs, hold water bottles, and play on the computer. I look forward to watching her grow in the next year to come and every year there after.

Happy FIRST Birthday to my precious, baby girl! I love you more than you will ever know.

One Year Ago Part 2

2009-09-06T07:30:00.001-07:00

Before we knew it morning had come and we were ready to begin our day of bringing our baby into the world. My mom arrived to help in any way. My original plan was for it to be just Adam and I during the course of our labor but my mom wanted to come and some how I felt inside my heart that she should be there. They took the cervidal suppository out and the doc made it in to check my progress and well the cervidal did NOT work. It had done nothing and it was supposed to do what a body does on it's own in a 2 week period. Ugh! First failure in our labor process. The doc decided to go ahead and break my bag hoping to get things going that way. I felt fine. No real contractions thus far, keep in mind this was 7:30 in the morning. I was dilated to a 1 maybe 2 I can't quite remember. I was 75% effaced but had been that for a month. A few hours went by and was checked again-no progress. By 2 or so in the afternoon I was in full labor, heavy, painful contractions, my body was shaking. But...still no progress. My contractions were hurting so bad but my body was doing absolutely nothing. I was frustrated...so I hesitantly decided to take an epidural. Oh I did NOT want to. I wanted to be strong, take on labor all on my own with the help and support of my husband not drugs. I was so disappointed in myself but I thought, I hoped that the epidural would relax my body enough to do something with the contractions I was having and it's not like I was slowly progressing, I wasn't progressing at all. I was scared to death to have the epidural, scared of a shot going into my spine, I have never even had a shot in my mouth, I was certainly not ready to let a giant needle go right into my spine. I had heard so many horror stories about epidurals gone wrong. I didn't want that for me. But, as it came time for me to make that decision when I looked into the eyes of my husband who looked scared and in just as much pain as I was in I knew that accepting the epidural was the right thing to do. The anesthesiologist came in and the nurse was also there. Which by the way I had the very BEST nurses. The anesthesiologist was very gentle, he explained exactly what he was going to do before he did it. He asked me if I had questions and was very comforting. The nurse was very assuring. I sat up and as I leaned into the chest of my nurse, shaking and scared, the anesthesiologist gently placed that giant needle into my spine and within a moment it was over and I could lay right back onto the bed. It was not that bad, but I honestly think that if it had been anyone else holding me or administering the meds, it WOULD have been THAT bad because of the fact that they did such a great job putting me at ease. The epidural alone was not helping my body progress-more failure-so we decided that since I already had the epidural I would try pitocin. The pitocin kicked my contractions into high gear and the epidural was NOT working. I was hurting, big time. Through the course of my labor from the initial administration of the epidural until the following morning I had to have a redose 3 times! I thought, what's the point in having an epidural if it's not doing it's job. But, I guess I can say I felt it, which is what I wanted to do. Finally, after hours and hours of pain and an epidural that didn't work I was dilated to a 10 and ready to push. My doctor wanted me to try to get some rest before I started pushing so I rested for a while. Then it came time to push. The nurse was there but the doctor was not. You see, they wanted me to push to a certain point before the doctor came in. So I pushed and pushed. Nothing was happening. The nurse and Adam could see Lily's green head as they stood there each holding one of my legs but I could NOT push her out. At one point Adam finally had to have my mom take over and as he collapsed in the chair behind him the room turned white. After an hour and a half of pushing, Lily would still not budge! The nurse told me to stop and rest, she stepped out and came back. She told me that the baby's head was tilted and we needed her head to straighten out before I could push her out. So I changed positions. I got on my hands and knees and started rocking back and forth. I continued to do so for 10 minutes, I turned back over and nothing, Lily's head was still tilted. The nurse left again and came back with my doctor. He tried turning Lily's head with his hand. No such luck. He tried again, still no such luck. Here is where my memory gets a little foggy. I think the doctor left and then came back again. Anyway, he told us that I could continue to keep pushing if I wanted to but no good would come of it. He said that I needed to have a c-section. A What? A c-section. Oh failure, complete and utter failure. Everything about my labor failed. I just started crying in disbelief. The doctor explained it would be ok, that there would be 2 doctors. He said a lot of things but it really just sounded like a bunch of blah blah blah because all that kept going through my mind was failure and scare. A c-section, really? My mom cried too and I think Adam was just in shock. I was not ready to prepare for a c-section but I had 30 minutes to prepare. I was scared, more scared than I had been about anything in my life, more scared than I was when I was robbed at gun point working late at night at a local fast food restaurant and let me tell you I was scared for my life then.

One Year Ago...

2009-09-05T19:00:00.000-07:00

I can't even believe it has been 1 year since we went to the hospital to bring out little bundle of joy into the world. The weekend we gave birth to Lily was the most intense, slow, unreal, unplanned, life changing weekend of our lives.

As a way to reflect on what we went through to bring our baby into this world I would like to share our story with you. If you know it already feel free to not read on or read it. If you do not know our story I encourage you to grab a cup of coffee, a snack and quite possibly some tissues. I cried for months after our daughter's birth when I talked about her birth or what her birth meant for our future. No it's not as tragic as many births but it was trying for us and frustrating, something that we would never have imagined in our wildest dreams, and failing in my eyes (or at least I still have a hard time convincing myself I didn't fail or that the doctor didn't fail).

Since her birth took place over the course of a 3 day period I will release this post also in a 3 day period. This way you are not bombarded with hours of reading at one time. Well I suppose you won't be if you check my blog daily.

Here is our story, day 1 of how Lily's life in this world came to be. We arrived at a local hospital at about 7:00 p.m. on September 5th, 2008. We were ready to induce; although not what we were hoping for, but by this time I was a week overdue with an expected 9 to 11 lb baby inside of me. Yes, she was expected to be that big; found by weekly ultra sounds done the last month or so of my pregnancy. During that time I was also having non-stress tests done because I had an excess amount of fluid and there was a chance of putting the baby under stress.

1 Month almost to the day before labor.
(Only picture I could find profiling my belly nearing the end of the pregnancy.)

The induction I would forgo that evening was cervidel induction. I had never heard of this type so in case you have not, it's a suppository that helps your body prepare for labor, like open and soften you up. It takes 12 hours to do it's job. The plan was my doc would arrive in the morning and after the 12 hours he would break my bag. Once you start the cervidal induction you aren't aloud to leave the hospital until your baby has been born and you are all healthy and free to check out. In our minds we would have a baby within 24 hours of checking in to the hospital. We were excited and anxious. Once the suppository was in place it was time to relax and get some sleep before labor was to begin. We slept, me in the hospital bed and Adam in a fold out chair.

To Be Continued...

It's A Party!

2009-09-03T20:38:00.000-07:00

Well, WAS a party that is. Who's party you ask? Why Lily's party of course. Her first birthday party in fact. We had it on Saturday which was actually 9 whole days before her actual birthday. Her actual birthday is this Monday, labor day. Funny, huh?

Please beware, this is a VERY long post.

Ok back to the party. It was GREAT! I worked very hard on preparing everything for Lily's party. I handmade all of the invitations. They were very cute. I should have taken a picture of them. I guess you will just have to trust me. Inviting people was a very hard thing. You see, I have a very large family who never RSVP so I have to plan on them being there and that puts a limit on non family members I could invite. So I tried as hard as I could to limit the guest list to family and friends with kids Lily's age. So if you are reading this and wondering why you were not invited I apologize, sincerely. I really didn't want to offend anyone by not inviting them, I was trying to make the cost of food somewhat reasonable and the party as manageable as possible for the hosts, me and my mom and when the guest list started reaching 40+ people I had to put a limit somewhere. But really, she turned 1...she's not going to know who was there or wasn't there.

For the venue, we held the party at my mom's church. They have a big huge room called the Fellowship Hall. It's just a huge room with a kitchen off to the side of it. They let members reserve the room for FREE. It was by far the perfect place. With the kitchen it made setting up all the food a breeze, it had all the tables and chairs we needed and even the high chair.

After I worked out who we were going to invite and had the invitations sent we began shopping for all the 1st birthday party essentials. I also made her a dress. I actually made 2 but the first one didn't turn out well and the second was cute but I think a store bought one would have been cuter or at least fit better. At least I can say I made her a dress. I am not sure if I will do it again though.Back of dress.

Food was simple we had veggies, cheese and crackers, and wraps.

We had a cupcake bar for dessert rather than a cake. Lily did have her own mini cake but everyone else got to make their on cupcake. I provided 3 different types of cupcakes, Golden Cream Cheese, Chocolate Cream Cheese, and Peanut Butter Surprise which was actually a peanut butter cup with a Hershey kiss inside, 4 different icings: buttercream, chocolate buttercream, mocha buttercream, and cinnamon cream cheese, and various toppings. I thought the cupcakes were delicious and I think other people did too. I received a lot of compliments on the idea so I think people liked it. But, no I didn't come up with it. I got the idea from my friend Annali.Lily wasn't too interested in her cake. She ate it when she was fed little bights and she eventually ate some cupcake but she wouldn't dig right it to her cake. I think it might have just been a little big for her.

There were a lot of people and with a lot of people come a LOT of gifts. Lily (we) were more than blessed, she was down right spoiled. Lily loves and plays with each and every toy that she received. I actually think that she must have been bored at home before her party. She received a LOT of clothes too. She now has her entire fall/winter wardrobe, other than jeans. If I wasn't a huge fan of baby jeans she wouldn't need anything, oh except socks. She may need some bigger ones if her size 2 feet ever grow.

Lily is a kisser. She loves kisses as evident here in the picture.
I hope she doesn't grow up thinking it's ok to just kiss boys when ever she pleases, otherwise Adam and I will have our hands full.

It's hard for me to say what she liked more, her new toys or the balloons. The balloons were a huge hit and not just to Lily, all the kids loved them. Almost half my pictures of Lily are of her with a balloon in hand.
There were many moments throughout the party I started tearing up because I was so happy and felt so blessed. Lily is one loved little girl. I hope her family and friends show her that love for the rest of her life.

Lily was a great girl through her whole party. She didn't get cranky or overwhelmed by all of the people at all. I was so incredibly proud of her! She LOVED having all the kids crowd around her when we were trying to open presents it was pretty much impossible for me to get her focused on trying to open the gifts. Adam was a HUGE help. He stayed home with Lily in the morning while I went to the church with my mom to set up. He got her dressed up and ready to go, then brought her to the church, then sat in the car with her to let her sleep. He was with her by her side the entire party and took GREAT care of her so I could host. My mom helped a LOT! We couldn't have had the party without my mom's help. My mother-in-law pitched in with some of the party costs and took pictures which I was grateful to not have to worry about hosting and taking pictures. It was such a fun party. My only regret is I wish I had time to talk more with our guests. I hope that our guests enjoyed themselves as much as we enjoyed having them. We are so grateful for everything she received and that so many people came to celebrate with us the first year of Lily's life. Oh my I can't believe it has been a year. Don't worry there is an upcoming post all about that subject so I won't go into it here.

Things I learned from her party for next year:
don't make such a big deal about who to invite (it caused me a lot of stress), organziation and planning are key, kids will crowd around the presents (that was a bit of a shock and space bubble invasion for me), have party favors so kids can leave with a little something too (didn't think those would be necessary for a 1 year old's bday party), but I was mistaken, balloons are a big hit and I should blow up extra for kids to play with and take home.

2009-09-03T17:50:00.000-07:00

I have so much to post I am just a little overwhelmed by it all. I apologize readers. I am working on it and will have something super fabulous up for you 10 to read soon, very soon.

Camping!

2009-08-25T12:24:00.000-07:00

We went camping this last weekend for the first time this year. It was also Lily's first camping trip. Thanks to my friend, Stephannie, for house sitting, we were able to leave our dogs at home. It would have been too much for us to take care of Lily and 2 small, hyper dogs. We were fortunate enough to stay in a cabin. Lily was able to crawl around, we were able to sleep in a bed, take showers, cook in a complete kitchen. It was nice, although it did feel like camping. Next year we will be back to tent camping because Lily will be walking. We left late afternoon on Friday and came home late afternoon Sunday. It was a short trip and we really wished we had another day. But everyone but Lily and I had to get back to work.

The drive there: Lily did ok. She cried for the last 1/2 hour of our 2 hour trip. She did some sleeping and we did some playing. I sat next to her as I always do when we are going somewhere in the Element as a family. As soon as we turn the car seat around that will all change, I get to ride in the front like a big girl.

Arrival/Friday Night: We unpacked, settled in, checked the place out, and made spaghetti for dinner. It was delicious! Everyone was pretty exhausted. Lily, my brother, and my mom went to bed early and Adam and I stayed up. He played his DS and I did some knitting. It was very peaceful. No TV and no noise from the city. We eventually went to bed and slept fairly well in a bed with our pillows from home.

Morning: Lily slept great in her play yard. She didn't wake up until 5 where she then just moved into bed with us and slept until I believe 8:00. We woke up and had huckleberry pancakes for breakfast, compliments to my mom! They were YUMMY!

Saturday Adventures: We packed up for the beach. We brought lunch and our suits. Lily saw a lake for the first time. She wasn't too sure about the cold, lake water. We decided to break out our lunch and suddenly scads of bees started swarming us. They were so bad we decided to pack up and leave the beach. I got a hold of a friend of mine that was up there at her beach house with her husband. We were invited to spend the rest of the afternoon there. We ate lunch indoors away from the bees then headed outside. They had a wave runner that we all got to take turns riding on. It was a lot of fun. We chatted for a bit, tried to swim a bit, then headed back to our cabin for a delicious steak dinner. We ate, we talked and had a fine evening. Nightfall came and again everyone headed to bed except Adam and I. Where we enjoyed the peace and quiet and our alone time.

Sunday: Lily woke up bright and early before 7 and wouldn't go back to sleep. I entertained her as quietly as I could so as not to wake anyone else up. We went for a walk outside and Lily enjoyed seeing all the trees and hearing all the birds and chipmunks.
Soon enough, everyone woke up and we had breakfast sandwiches. We hung out for a bit then decided to find a place to hike/walk. We ended up just going to a resort and walking along the shoreline. We stopped for a while to admire the view and skip some rocks. I haven't done that in years. Lily hung out on my back in a carrier and took a little nap. We headed back to the cabin one last time to pack up, eat lunch, and head home.

It was a good trip. We were glad to get out of the house and enjoy some family time.

2009-08-17T21:52:00.000-07:00

With my mom's help I have been working very hard trying to get Lily's party all put together. I don't want to give anything away so I will just say that ingredients for dessert have been purchased, it just needs to be made, invites have been made and sent, decorations are about half way purchased, venue has been booked, dress number 2, yeah that's right I said 2 (I wasn't 100% pleased with the first 1) is almost done, and menu is just about complete. I am really excited for her party. I hope she does well and has a LOT of fun.

2009-08-14T19:08:00.000-07:00

Today has been a pretty great day! It started out with standing in line for the grand opening of one of my favorite stores, Ulta. First one in my town! I am SOOO excited about it. For those of you who don't know of the store it is a make-up beauty products store that has designer brands as well as drug store brands so you get the BEST of both worlds. While in line I got to sign up for a free facial. Entering into the store I got to draw a gift card ranging from $5 to $100. While I sadly did not get $100 I did get $25. I was stoked. I shopped for about a half hour after getting a bag of free goodies: lotions, lip gloss, nail polish, and fragrances. I went to get my facial. It was AMAZING! It felt really good starting with a pomegranate mask and ending with a delightful moisturizer. The whole skin care line that was used for my facial was good for my red, breakout prone skin. I ended up buying the packet of products because I liked it and it was the same price as the cleanser I have been using by itself. After my facial I was escorted to the makeup section where I had my makeup done, also for FREE, by Smashbox. I was very happy. After my makeup was complete I finished my shopping and stood in line where I was given a few more fragrance samples. I bought 3 Essie nail polishes, they were buy 2 get 1. I also bought 2 eye shades, concealor and powder foundation from the Ulta line that was all buy 2 get 2. I left Ulta a very happy girl with two bags, one full of products I purchased and one full of products I received for free. Plus, I get to go back in a month and spend my $25.00 gift card! I already know what I am purchasing too.

After my shopping extravaganza I indulged in some Starbucks and proceeded to get a couple of errands done. After my errands were complete I spent the afternoon with Lily and on the phone having a much needed and very healing conversation. What a day!

Optometrist

2009-08-13T13:59:00.000-07:00

We went to the optometrist today. It was an appointment for the doctor to look at her eye, run some screening tests to see what the problem was, make sure it wasn't baby glaucoma and was in fact a blocked tear duct. I thought we were actually having the procedure today based on what her pediatrician said. So now I am prolonging my nervousness for a couple weeks. She was given a partial eye exam which she did great with. The doc ruled out glaucoma and ruled in blocked tear duct. So she goes to the hospital in 2 weeks for the procedure where they will put her under anesthesia and insert the probe into her eye to find the block and unclog it. It has to be done before she is 1 because success rate of the procedure is not as good if we wait until after she is 1. Also if it goes untreated infection can occur and become worse than just a clogged tear duct. She has to go on antibiotic eye drop starting now until the procedure. I start out giving her eye drops 3 times a day and 2 days before the procedure I have to give them to her every 2 hours. It's going to be a long couple weeks. Hopefully she gets used to the eye drops and after a day or 2 takes them just fine. I am nervous though. I am also hoping that she doesn't need an eye patch after or if she does she doesn't have to wear it long because her birthday part is 4 days after the procedure. Oh well if she does I suppose, it will make for a good story when she is older.

Finally!

2009-08-13T10:54:00.000-07:00

I actually started praying about a name for my blog. Praying for inspiration and creativity. I asked myself what is one word that fits me, my life and what I want to pass on to Lily. Almost immediately the word, perseverance came to mind. I prayed and asked God if this was what He wanted me to title my blog. The name stuck in my head all day so I figured it was a go.

Why persevering fits? Because it is a characteristic I live by, was raised by and want to pass on to my child. I am not going to change the title. I am very content with it and the word can expand into every aspect of my life.

2009-08-12T20:42:00.000-07:00

Lily goes in to the optometrist tomorrow morning. She was born with a clogged or closed tear duct and her left eye is often times very watery. When she was about a month or so old it was always goopy and watery sometimes to the point of it being gooped shut in the mornings after a night of sleep. Her pediatrician said if it was still watery after 8 months she needed to go have a procedure done to rectify it. So at her 9 month appointment he gave her a referral to the optometrist. It took a while to get in but at just over 11 months she is finally going in. I am not entirely sure of what the procedure will entail other than they put a probe into her eye and Lily's pediatrician ensured me that is sounded much worse than it actually is. I am nervous! I am praying for her and me. I cry when she gets her vaccinations and when she was a new born and did the toe poke thing. I am certain I will cry during this procedure also. I HATE seeing her in pain. It just makes my heart hurt so much. I know it needs to be done, who wants to go through life looking like you are crying all the time? Not me, and I don't want Lily to have to. Actually, people ask me all the time if she had just been crying. I say no, it's her tear duct. I am praying that Lily and I are brave and that it is actually not as bad as it sounds.

11 Months!

2009-08-09T20:33:00.000-07:00

My baby turned 11 months old on Saturday. Holy smokes, 11 months! One more month of infanthood and on to toddlerhood we go. It's such a bittersweet feeling. I am excited to see what the next year will bring, what Lily will like to do, how she will act, if she will continue to be so affectionate, how she walks and eventually runs, the things she will want to do on her own, the words she says, her first phrase, then sentence. I am sad she won't be a baby any more, there will be fewer opportunities to just hold her and gaze into her pretty eyes admiring what a beautiful little girl I created, sad that she won't be so small and curl her hands around my finger, and a little apprehensive to the temper tantrums that lay dormant but eager to explode at any time. Where has the time go? There is a lot I already can't remember about the first year of Lily's life. I find myself wondering how much more I will forget.

My mom said to me Saturday that I need to start weening. I was a little taken by that comment and not so happy about it. But the idea has crossed my mind. My first thought is I have absolutely no idea how to ween. She doesn't want to ween and I don't want to upset her just because she wants to nurse and I am not letting her. Why should I ween? Why just because a child turns 1 year do people automatically think that they should stop nursing? I guess I wouldn't mind putting a stop to public nursing because I don't want to offend anyone that my child is no longer a baby and she is still nursing. I know a lot of people say it doesn't matter if people get offended but I don't want the dirty looks and when my own mother is telling me to stop it might be kind of awkward to continue doing it. What I decided a while back was to try to start weening at 1 year but continue nursing before bed until she is 2. But any more, I actually want to just nurse the way we have been, whenever she wants it, until she is 2. Is there a way to teach her that nursing is done only at home and we can do it any time she wants as long as we are at home? I don't know. Lily turning one gives me so much to think about. But for now I will ramble about only the nursing thoughts. I will leave the what to buy her for her birthday, what to buy her for Christmas, when to start feeding her peanuts, when to introduce her to the potty chair, if I should stop making baby food thoughts and the details of her birthday party planning for later.

Picture Randomness

2009-08-05T20:39:00.000-07:00

At Friendship Park with our cousins, Terra and Alyssa

This is my favorite expression. We call it the crinkle face.
Is it just me or is there are small resemblance to Little Foot?

Ready for potty training? Ha! Right.
The toilet paper is off because her favorite thing to do in the bathroom is unroll it.
It drives us nuts!

Makes you wonder what the person she is talking to is telling her.

2009-08-03T15:18:00.000-07:00

Ok I think this is the background I am going to stick with for now. I just need to come up with a snazzy title I really like. Ideas anyone?

Our New Childcare Provider...

2009-07-27T20:51:00.000-07:00

Is a HIT, in my eyes and in Lily's! Here is the story on how I found her.

With just over a month away until school starts I started panicing about childcare. I didn't want daycare for Lily and was avoiding it at ALL costs. I began to think about a nanny. I thought no way in my wildest dreams will I be able to afford a nanny if I think daycare is over priced. The more I looked into, the more I realized that yes it can be expensive but it can also be very reasonable. So I found two different websites for au pairs and childcare providers in general. I liked the au pair website but it was definitely NOT for me. Most of the people were from other countries and it was VERY expensive for the membership to even join the website. The other site is caller www.sittercity.com. It aloud me to place my job on the site without becoming an official member. So I wrote up my job and placed it hoping that someone might respond to it. The way the sites work is you are not aloud to include your contact info in any of the job description otherwise they lose money and it defeats the purpose of having those sites. I had a trial membership for a week and no one was interested in the job. It came to the second to last day and they were offering me 10% off of the membership. It was going to cost me 9.99 per months plus a 29.99 one times sign up fee. So I got 10% off of that and within a couple days of purchasing the membership I got someone interested in the job I posted. I had also been interested in a couple people. One person who I contacted I was supposed to meet to do an interview but she called and cancelled because her child was sick and I haven't heard from her since. The first person who applied for my job was someone who I was interested as well. Her bio sounded great, the only reason why I didn't contact her myself was because her rate was a little more than I was willing to pay. But we talked on the phone and she sounded FABULOUS! We met the next week at her home. She has a large family but all of her kids except 1 are school aged and she only takes 1 other child to school everyday and it is really close to her house. Her youngest is a little boy about 6 or so months older than Lily. I spent over an hour in her home talking and getting to know her. Lily had a great time and immediately started playing with the toys there and crawling all over the place. She even sat on her lap and listened to a story. When we got to amount of pay what she had proposed was completely doable. What sold me was 2 things she is a Christian which is SO important to me and Lily would have a playmate in her son.

Lily was there without me for the first time today for about 4 hours. She did a GREAT job. She didn't cry once and she played and laughed. She ate well, they went to the park, she coplayed with her new playmate. What topped it off is when I got there to pick her up, she was ALL smiles. I couldn't be any happier. I would definitely recommend the site www.sittercity.com to anyone in need a child care.

What is Wrong With Me?

2009-07-27T15:50:00.000-07:00

I have been SOOOO tired all day everyday for quite a while. I have tried changing up my diet, more protein, less carbs. It works for a day or 2 then I am back to feeling so tired again. I have no energy to do anything around the house and barely keep up with Lily. Any ideas on things I can do to increase my energy level?

2009-07-23T01:32:00.000-07:00

Ok so my blog name The Life of Lily and Her Family is So generic. I haven't been creative enough to think of something worth changing it to. But I have always liked the Vine and Branches thing. My dining room is set in vineyard with that scripture in a wall hanging. So this fits me. I don't like the picture, I will change it soon when I get a better and more recent family picture. So here it is for now. Who knows maybe tomorrow I won't be able to sleep and I will change it again. I am going to attempt sleeping again.

Midnight Blogging!

2009-07-22T21:57:00.000-07:00

I CANNOT sleep! So instead of laying in bed tossing and turning and keeping my husband up I decided after an hour I would head downstairs. So I scrubbed the bathroom and the bathroom floor and now I am blogging. There isn't really any more cleaning I can do that wouldn't wake my family up so here I am typing away and I am not sure how much sense this will make to you readers because it is after midnight and I get a little loopy in the late hours of the day. So read on at your own risk.

I have realized in the last couple of days that even though it is July, there really isn't much summer left for me. I love the fall and can't wait for the fall season, it is the one season I long for year round! It's beautiful outside, I can wear scarves, and LONG PANTS, oh I hate shorts season, Greenbluff harvest festival, pumpkins, preparing for the holiday season ahead, rich colors to decorate my house with, the fair-Giant burritos from the Senor Froggy booth that I didn't get to partake in last year because I was having a baby, beginning of baking and eating scrumptious treats, and this year especially our fall kick off will be VERY exciting-Lily's first BIRTHDAY and my own birthday 5 days after hers.

But aside from that the end of summer also brings me back to work. Having the extra income which actually isn't extra it is needed income will be nice. But, time away from Lily is going to be sad! I don't get to work part time any more either. We decided that it would be best in many ways that I work full time as much as I get calls for any way. Obviously if I get that job I will be working full time all year but I am not really counting on that, just hoping. Another reason why I am not looking forward to the end of summer is I haven't even come close to finishing all the projects I wanted to finish. I have done a LOT though. I have cleaned out my entire house which I am SOOOO proud of. I have cleaned out the majority of my front yard, I am just trying to kill the beastly weeds I have and keep it as green as I can without sending our water bill through the roof. But I haven't started working on the backyard and that was/is the HUGEST project since we don't have a backyard we have a back field, I haven't sewn anything, knitted anything, or scrapbooked anything. I wanted to get Lily's birthday dress sewn and some winter hats knitted for her. I also wanted to finish the binding on a quilt that I made and haven't done that. Oh so many things...yet I am wasting my time blogging in the middle of the night. What am I thinking?! And the main thing I have NOT done yet is find CHILDCARE for Lily. How can I work if I don't have child care? But there is a light at the end of this tunnel that looks promising. I have 2 interviews set up one for later today, Thurs afternoon and one Friday afternoon. Hopefully they will go well and I will end up with one that I trust completely to take care of my daughter, one that will commit to the entire school year, and one that Lily absolutely adores.

Well I guess I can say I have spent a LOT of time with Lily! That is the most important! I just wish I was wonder mom and could do it ALL.

Update!

2009-07-20T11:09:00.000-07:00

We haven't really been doing much. Adam had lithotripsy on Thurs. to blast the kidney stones. We spent the whole weekend vegging other than 2 trips to the park and I did some yard work.

So I will start with Adam's procedure. Since then other than resting and recooperating from having his stomach blasted with ultra sonic waves he is doing better. He said his back is feeling better but he still hasn't passed the stones which concerns me but, he goes for a follow up in a couple weeks so hopefully all will be well. I am excited to have a healthy husband again. It has been over a month since he initially found out he has kidney stones which means over a month of a husband in pain everyday. It's high time he is better!

On to Lily. She is ALL over the place and learning something new almost daily. She loves to unroll the toilet paper. I am not a fan of that at all. It's such a waste. But kids will be kids. She crawls so fast. I didn't know it was possible to crawl as fast as she can crawl. When she is trying to get to something she shouldn't be like the animals' water and she hears a stern, "NO Lily!" she looks back, smiles, and crawls even faster. We rairly beat her to the water or whatever it is she is going for. It is so hard not to laugh. She is a funny girl. I think she is also cutting more teeth. She makes the funniest faces. What else? Oh we went to the park and she LOVED it! So we went 2 days in a row. We spent some time at the splash pad. She really like getting the water. She laughed and laughed. She didn't like to crawl on the ground which is colored cement I guess. So instead of crawlign on her hands and knees she crawled on hands and feet. She hasn't ever liked swings until this last Saturday I put her in one again just to see and she appeared to actually enjoy herself. I am so glad we have one of the best parks in our city about a minute away from our house. Her hair is also growing just a little. We do have to brush it after the bath and sometimes after she wakes up I have to get it wet and brush it or she just goes with wild and crazy bed head. She is learning to brush her own hair. We say, "Lily, brush your pretty hair." And she does but, she doesn't get the part where you are supposed to brush with the bristle part. It's cute though. She also knows where mommy's nose is and daddy's nose and her grandma's nose when asked, "Where is _____'s nose?" My mom said she pointed out her nose but I have yet to see her do that. She also says up and pup. She mimmics a lot of what I say. She talks all the time. She is pointing at everything too. She does such a good job pointing. She says mama all of the time. She calls me mama but she also calls everything else mama. I am not sure if she is actually calling the item mama but she points to something and says mama so she might be trying to show me. I can't tell for sure but it's cute anyway.

Now with me. I haven't heard anything about that job yet. But, it is still early. I do hope I get it, but I also wouldn't mind subbing another year to be home more with Lily. So I guess I won't be heart broken if I don't get it. Adam took me to see Harry Potter on Sunday while my mom took Lily for the afternoon. We haven't gone to see a movie together in AGES! We do Netflix and don't really like to spend the money on movies at the theater but on rare occasions for movies like HARRY POTTER we will splurge. It was so good and it was so nice to get out and do something together as husband and wife other than mama and dada. Adam thinks it's weird that I go to Harry Potter movies not knowing what is going to happen because I have not read the books. He says the vasy majority of Americans have read the books and I am one of few who haven't. While I don't know if that's true I also know I would enjoy reading the books and thus, I have vowed to have the entire series read by the time the next, and FINAL Harry Potter is released in the thearter. I just finished a series of books called Uglies. Actually only the first books is called Uglies. The rest are called Pretties, Specials, and Extra's. They are written by an author named Scott Westerfeld. They are teen books but are SOOOO good. I highly recommend them. They are action packed and kind of twisted, set in the future. I have started Anna Karinina by Tolstoy. He also wrote War and Peace. I am really getting into the book so far. It is my goal to have it read by the time I go back to school in September. We will see though, it's a VERY long book. After I finish Anna Karinina I will start the Harry Potter series. I do have my reading load cut out for me.

That about sums it up for my little family of 3. Now for the fun part...PICTURES!

At the park. Attack of the camera.

Thirsty after working hard getting the water.

She loved to kick the water!

Crawling on her hands and feet.

Walking around...SO big!

All this splashing around makes a 10 month old sleepy!

Muffin thief! Maybe she actualy belongs to the Muffin Man.

Helping mom with the laundry?

2009-07-09T21:09:00.000-07:00

Today I sent in my first teaching job application. I am really praying I get the job. I would be a very good fit for the school and the position. I am praying I am not the only one who thinks so too. Competition is tough but I know God is in control of this position and if I am meant to get it, I will. But your prayers and positive thoughts would mean a GREAT deal to me. There is power in numbers, right?

Am I ready to be away from Lily so much? Not really. But I know I need to work, I need to use my teaching degree that I worked so hard on and the longer I wait to get a job, the harder it will be to leave her. I think it will be better to get my first year out of the way when she is so young because she won't remember mom being gone so much. I am ready for financial stability. I have 60,000 dollars in school loan debt that I need to pay off and it makes me sick thinking if I stick to the minimum payments I will be paying them for 15 years! 15, that is over half my life as of yet. I think when Lily is older she will understand. She may not understand now but like I said she won't remember. I am doing this for her, for our family!

God willing I will get that job! Please God, be willing!

It's A Miracle

2009-07-02T21:47:00.000-07:00

Well at least an answer to prayer. Lily was 100% better today after sleeping through the night last night! She ate great, had no teething problems, wasn't cranky, and she didn't even have a rash. I didn't take her to the doctor because she was totally fine! I am so relieved. She still didn't take her bottle at bed time after nursing like she has ALWAYS done. She could just be done with the bottle since she uses sippy cups during the day and no longer goes to a babysitters during the day so she gets to nurse, who knows. But I don't care because she slept through the night. It was so nice to get a full night's sleep. For the last week she was waking up every few hours and wanted to nurse AND had trouble getting back to sleep. But last night she was back to her normal perfect little sleeper! Praise God!

Adam got a call from his Urologist's office and the doctor decided he could go ahead and have the procedure. So July 15th he goes in to have his kidney stones blasted so they can painlessly pass through his body. He also completed the test to determine if he has renal calcium leak which is a disease that causes kidney stones. It is treated with a daily pill but no cure. So he just has to wait for the results on that. But things for him are starting to turn around in the positive direction.

Oh and my mom gets half of her money back from the campground. We thought she wouldn't get any back so that's good news too.