Friday, May 15, 2009

I am sitting on my couch enjoying a hot cup of cocoa, something I thoroughly enjoy drinking when I have a chocolate craving and don't have any chocolate to indulge in my house. I have just been reflecting on the last month or so and have realized I have been in a seriously BAD mood. Some many events have occured in the last month that have knocked my spirits down. None of which I can really explain on blogger. But they have been bad, very bad. I am having trouble getting out of my BAD mood. The only thing that helps or really only one is Lily. She is so amazing and makes my heart smile everytime I look into her eyes or just watch her move and interact with the world around her. I love watching her discover new things everyday. I dread the day I have to witness the first time her heart aches the way mine has ached. I just want to protect her from all pain that she might and inevitably WILL face as she grows older. I know that I will not be able to save her from pain, I will just be able to pray for her, comfort her, and support her and I will do the very best job I can, as her mother, even when at some point she might not want my comfort or support. That will be a tough realization. Ok so back to my BAD mood. I need to find a way to get my joy back. I know I really just need to give it up to God. That is the answer but I am being human and selfish and part of me wants to hang on to my pain because you see, everything that has happened has not happened to me directly but to many of my loved ones. I feel like letting go of the pain is making it seem like I don't care enough. I also think that since these events have not happened to me personally and there isn't a THING I can do to prevent them, change them, or protect the people that are directly effected it is harder for me. I can't get mad, I can't take steps to change the situations, I can only sit back and watch my family suffer oh and pray, and that I do. I also pray I get out of my mood soon and that my husband will continue to be gracious to me and understanding. I know my mood is hard on him. Ok enough of my sad blog. The next one will contain pictures! I will not post again unless it is pictures I am posting.

I am looking forward to enjoying the beautiful weather we are supposed to have this weekend.

Oh and Lily should be crawling any day now. Today I found her up on her hands and knees, rocking back and forth. She tried to move forward but she took a nose dive into the floor. She is getting there, ever so close and I thoroughly look forward to chasing her around. I really do! I may just lose some weight. Ok thanks for letting me ramble on. Until next time...

1 comment:

Beth said...

I love you Holly.
I'll be praying for you.
Also, there's a sermond I podcast from Mark Driscoll recently that you may appreciate in this season. You can download iTunes even if you don't have an iPod and then you can find his sermon Trial: Trial and Jesus. His whole Trial series might be good for you right now.
Or... I just looked it up and you can watch and/or listen to the sermon online:
Can't wait to see pics (and maybe video?!) of crawling Lily sooooon!