One Year Ago Part 3

Day 3, Final Day...She finally came.

I was told that if I didn't have to be put under that I could have 1 person with me. Naturally I thought Adam would go, but he was so unprepared and scared he was hesitant to go which made me cry harder. He knew it was the right thing though. He came with and my mom waited eagerly and as patiently as she could and as close by as she could. By the time the c-section took place it had been just over 24 hours since my bag had been broken. Oh and I forgot to mention that there was a LOT of merconium, a LOT. Poor girl was swimming around in that stuff for who knows how long.

We got into the operating room. I laid on the table and couldn't see a whole lot. I heared a LOT of voices. I do know there were 2 doctors, 1 anesthesiologist, many nurses, 1 scared husband, and 1 scared wife. The new doctor who came to assist introduced himself to me. Right above my head was Adam and the anesthesiologist (different from the initial one). The anesthesiologist assured me that I would NOT feel pain that I would feel pressure and tugging. I hesitantly nodded my head and they did a check to see if I felt anything. I didn't feel anything at that time but as soon as they had opened me up and got inside of me, I felt it! It was the worst pain I could ever imagine. I started crying loudly, VERY loudly. I was given more meds and more meds, it still hurt. It just kept getting worse and worse and I was crying and yelling and then my whole upper body began convulsing. The anesthesiologist said I needed to calm down, that I shouldn't been feeling any pain, just pressure, I said it hurts, it hurts, he calmly and lovingly told me I needed to calm down. Adam held my hand and tried to assure me it was ok but he knew by the convulsions it was NOT ok. He did the best he could. I am proud of him for just being there and watching it all happen.

Finally they announced the baby was out. I didn't hear anything. I was confused, I had been told that if everything was fine I could see the baby right away. That was not happening. Moments later I finally heard a cry and I smiled inside. I couldn't see the baby though. They needed to clean her up and get the merconium sucked out. The next step was getting the rest out of me, massaging my uterus and sewing me back up. It took a while for this next step to actually begin. They asked Adam if he would like to go see his baby and he physically could not get up out of his chair, he also wanted to be with me but I told him and the nurses told him that he needed to be with the baby and that I would be fine. They kindly showed me my baby all bundled in a blanket and hat, let me kiss her cheek. My first thought when I saw her was, oooh a mini Adam, she is beautiful. Then they whisked her away to the nursery. My family just left while I lay waiting for the worst part to come. The anesthesiologist never left me, he was there encouraging me and even put his hand on my shoulder. During the convulsions he actually gave me a conscious sedative to calm me down. That stopped the convulsions but not the pain. When they massaged my uterus they actually took it outside of my body and massaged it. Between that and cleaning me out, I had never felt so much pain in my life. It was all I could do to lay there and cry as loud as I could while they did their job. I was finally stitched up and instead of being able to go to my baby I went into my room to recover for 45 minutes while my baby had to be in the nursery. I had no idea what was going on. I was alone, no husband, no mother, no baby, just my wonderful nurse who was there to take care of me not find out what was going on with my baby. She did though as soon as she could and let my mom come in to talk to me even when I was supposed to be alone, recovering. They were able to take a picture and bring it to me. I just stared at the picture, admiring the beauty of my baby girl and longing for the time I could finally just embrace her in my arms.

No, I am sorry, this is not that picture.

After the 45 minute recovery I finally learned of what was going on with my baby, born at 9 lbs 5 ozs and 21 and 3/4 in long. She was sick from the merconium and couldn't regulate her oxygen level so, she was under an oxygen tent. I also learned that when they cut me open and began to pull Lily out she had the umbilical cord around her neck AND her stomach. They said she most likely would have died had she come out vaginally.

She had to stay there in the nursery while I had to stay in my bed. I couldn't move, I had just had major surgery after all. Adam spent the next while going back and forth from me to the baby. A kind nurse snuck Lily in to see me so I could try to nurse her. That was the first time I got to really see her, to hold her, to try and nurse her. It was a very short, failed attempt. She screamed and I had no clue of what I was doing. After 10 minutes the nurse needed to bring her back to the nursery and back to her oxygen tent. When I finally got enough strength to get out of bed all I could do was get up to sit in a wheel chair. But, that was progress and I was very proud of that progress. I was wheeled to the nursery. The oxygen tent was elevated to where I couldn't see her from down in my wheel chair nor could I stand up to see her. The only thing I saw and could reach was her foot. I held her little foot and as happy as that made me my heart was still aching because all I wanted to do was hold her. It wasn't until the next day that I was able to hold her in my arms for the first time. She was beautiful and looked JUST like her daddy. I stared at her and held her for as long as I could but eventually my time was up and she had to go back under the oxygen tent and I, back to bed.



Little by little I gained more strength and so did Lily. After 2 and 1/2 days Lily was finally able to come stay with me in my room. It took 2 and 1/2 days for her to regulate her oxygen level on her own and for me to give her 3 successful feedings. Nursing was hard, very hard. It took us a full day and night to get that figured out. Many nurses tried to help and one nurse was so patient with me and just knew the missing piece. Whatever she said and did, just clicked. The first night with Lily in our room she screamed the whole night. I was tired and in pain. I couldn't stand up and walk her around the room to try to console her. The nurses finally took her to the nurses station so Adam and I could get some much needed sleep. In the morning they brought her back to me and she was happy as a clam and ready to eat.

We were there in the hospital with her a total of 4 days, 6 days all together. We finally got to bring her home the day before my birthday.

All dressed and ready to come home.

I will leave you with this last picture. Me standing, how good it felt to finally stand up straight, holding my precious beauty ready to go home and start our life as a family of 3.

On an after note: Lily's birth was VERY hard on us. My pregnancy was PERFECT. I was not sick, I was able to continue working on up to the day I was induced and I finished school without any problems. There was no sign of a sick baby. This experience caught us completely off guard. A lot, if not all of my family members who have had children gave birth naturally without any problems. But, what would I have done had I known all of this was going to happen? Lily's birth has left me with a lot of questions. Could things have been different? What would have happened had we waited for me to go into labor on my own? It would have happened eventually right? Could the doctor had done things differently? I have spent too much time over the past year asking these questions. It's not going to change what happened. It is what it is. But, this experience is what lead my husband to make the decision that he does NOT want any more children. Which breaks my heart to pieces. I grew up my whole life wanting 4. No way do I want to go through 4 c-sections but I do want to brave through 1 more c-section to give Lily a sibling so that she doesn't have to be alone in her life, so that she will have someone to learn to share with, someone to argue with, someone to play with, to make up silly games with, to talk to on road trips besides her boring parents, someone to plan our funerals with, someone to spend the holidays with as an adult with their families and after spend time together we are dead so she never has to feel alone or abandoned. I have been told that I have to have c-sections from here on out because of of how low I was cut. Honestly, I am ok with that because I can't go through another emergency c-section after a long labor. My heart and body just couldn't handle that again. It was much too difficult on many levels. But I know I can be strong enough to have a planned c-section, one where I have 9 months to prepare for and one that doesn't come right after a day and half of failed labor and an hour and a half of failed pushing. I am not ready for another child right now. I am still content with the one I have been blessed with. I also need to find a job and really get settled into my career. But in a few years I would like another child. Maybe by then my husband will change his mind or maybe he never will. As much as I did love being pregnant, I often wonder if I would have enjoyed my pregnancy just a little more had I known that may have been my only pregnancy. I do know that I try to cherish each stage Lily enters because I may not be there to witness another child go through those same stages, I also have tried the rare nights she kept me up because she wanted a little extra time with her mama or because she wasn't feeling well. I love her and everything about her I do hope and pray I have another child I can love just as much one day.

But, today it's not about that. Today is about the life and the last year we have had with Lily. She is beautiful and amazing. She is the light of our life and I honestly can't imagine not having her in my life. I have thoroughly enjoyed watching her grow and my gosh it has happened SOOO fast. I love her more than life it self and am so thankful that God has blessed us with HER! She has been such a joy, such a gift to us. She is funny and oh SOOOO affectionate. She loves her animals and she loves her mama and daddy. She likes to eat and she likes to nurse ALL the time. She is sensitive and gets sad when someone leaves her or when the doggie doesn't want to be pet. She enjoys sleep almost as much as her mom. Her favorite things to do are give kisses and hugs, hold water bottles, and play on the computer. I look forward to watching her grow in the next year to come and every year there after.

Happy FIRST Birthday to my precious, baby girl! I love you more than you will ever know.