Thursday, October 15, 2009

I am doing something I don't normally do on this blog and that I dare say it? Complain. Not about anyone, just about how I have been feeling lately. This will let you take a peek at the inside of me. It's just a glimpse though.

I have been feeling lately, like my character is flawed, like my self-worth is very minimal, like no matter what I do or how hard I try I let someone family mainly, my self, my professional contacts. In the last week I have had two or more rather frustrating conversations that have made me feel very small and very lacking in many areas and has got me thinking about how I need to become a better person. I will not go into great detail on this one but a family member had not one complaint, but two complaints about my behavior and choices I have made. The behavior was a comment I made and the choice had to do with Lily and who she spends her time with. I reacted to this person talking to me quite well, but after this person left my home I fell a part, I lost it. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. This happened over the weekend and to this day, Thursday, I am still thinking about it. Adam says not to worry about it but I can't help it. So my problem is that A. I need to watch what I say and how I divide Lily's time or B. Figure out a way to not stew on comments/complaints people say to me. I am not sure which it is but either way I feel like an awful person and that I need to give myself an internal makeover.

The second thing was I got word that I won't be doing this long term sub job I was told I would get to do this winter. Another person was picked because she knows the new report card system and I do not. It is a valid reason to choose someone else but I was really looking forward to this and felt like I was getting a break. I know I haven't been subbing long but I am feeling discouraged. I am starting to question my skills as a teacher. I feel like I am good at what I do but feel like maybe I am the only one who thinks so. I have no confidence in myself and wish I knew how to gain some.

You see, I actually have really low confidence in EVERY area of my life. I find it hard to not be envious of other people. I envy people for more than I am willing to admit. I am tired of not being happy with myself and not being confident in myself.

I also have been questioning my character in the kindness area. Oh sure, I am kind to my friends, acquaintances, and strangers but I am not so kind to the very people/person (hubby) that I hold near and dear to my heart. I can be down right rude and never think before I speak, I am easily frustrated and act like I am in competition with my dear husband rather than on the same team. He doesn't deserve that, not in the slightest. I love him so much and want to treat him better and show him more respect.

It is my desire to forgive myself, to let things go, to be kind, to think before I speak and lastly be 100% satisfied and more than satisfied, overjoyed with my life and who I am. Those are the areas I am going to take on to complete an internal makeover. Anyone have any advice?


Anonymous said...

You & I should sit down & have a conversation about this. I felt this way early on in our marriage as well. I still do at times. Don't feel bad, it is normal and it is not easy to work through but is possible if you are willing to work at it. Love you LOLLY! You are AMAZING!!!

Holly said...

I would love to and I admire you and your hubby and the marriage you have together! Let's plan a Saturday morning coffee date.

Holly said...

I would love to and I admire you and your hubby and the marriage you have together! Let's plan a Saturday morning coffee date.

Monika said...

Holly...the more I get to know you the more I want to know! You have such a wonderful heart and are one of the nicest people I've met. I am so glad we met and that we can continue to nurture a friendship that will last. I had a wonderful time this morning with you and Lily. She is so beautiful and I'm sooo happy you are pleased with the pictures. Loves to you!