Thursday, May 27, 2010

On Tuesday we start our new adventure. My working a steady, full time job, and Lily in daycare in the same facility that I will be working in. I am so excited for this new chapter in our lives. So, excited that I get to work a steady job but, that also Lily will be in the same building as I will be and it's great place at that.

I hadn't been feeling nervous at all. At least not consciously. A few nights ago I woke up in the middle of the night in tears from a nightmare. My nightmare went a little something like this: I was down teaching my class, I was notified there had been an accident and I needed to go. I remember panicking but, trying to remain calm because, nothing that bad could possibly have happened to anyone close to me. I was in a room with a lot of people and all of a sudden my mom and my husband were there. The officials, maybe doctors, I am not too sure, proceeded to tell me that there had been an accident and I needed to identify a body. In I walk into another room and see my baby girl, my sweet, little Lily, laying on a gurney. I immediately started sobbing and ran to her and picked her up. While I was holding her and sobbing I was demanding explanations. Now, because it was a dream, I wasn't just told what had happened, I saw what happened. Lily had ran out of the front door of the childcare facility and before someone had noticed and was able to reach her, she had ran right into the street and was struck by a car going incredibly fast. She was so little and hit so hard that it killed her. The creepiest part of my dream was that as I was holding my dead baby girl she started flinching and making noises. No, sorry, she did not come back to life. The doctors told me not to get my hopes up, that she was in fact dead and that her physical body was still in shock. Like a chicken with its head cut off. After holding her in my arms, rocking her, and falling to my knees I woke myself up. I couldn't take the dream any more. I woke up my husband for him to comfort me. I often have nightmares, they are usually about my husband cheating on me. I think those stem from my father cheating on my mother so I have all these built up insecurities. This nightmare particular nightmare was far worse than any I have ever had. My child was killed by a car! I had to get up, go downstairs and continue crying so I wouldn't wake up the little girl that had just died in my dream. I drank some water and prayed for peace. After a few long minutes I went back upstairs. I desperately wanted to go lay next to her bed so I could make sure she was fine. I knew that was silly and I would wind up waking her up and having a terrible nights sleep. So, I got back in bed, prayed some more and eventually fell back asleep, free of any more nightmares.

The entire next day, I was incredibly affectionate with Lily. I could not get enough hugs and kisses and cuddles. I pretty much did not let her out of my arms. I also realized that putting her in daycare is harder on me than I had actually realized. Ever since then I have developed all these worries consciously. I am not sure what to do, other than pray, pray, pray. I know it will be fine, I know that Lily will not have access to a door to the outside and that if she does go outside she will be in an enclosed area. Not that she is one to escape anyway. She will be perfectly safe. But, I just cannot shake the nightmare I had or the feelings of apprehension.

Please keep us in your prayers and thoughts as we start on Tuesday. I would appreciate it so much! I need peace of mind with all of this.

1 comment:

Kim said...

Oh Holly, that dream sounds terrible! :( I hope that once you start on Tuesday your worries will shrink and you'll be able to sleep! :)