Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Constantly Checking

I've been feeling pretty well lately emotionally. Not to say I don't get emotional, because I certainly do. I just feel like I have my emotions in check. I still feel like I'm on roller coaster, but the roller coaster is one I've ridden on a thousand times so while it's still a rush, I recognize when the big drops are about to hit. Does that make sense? I feel like maybe this is all a little too good to be true. I feel like I should be a little more of a mess than I am. So, I'm constantly checking emotions. I find them so I know they are there. I guess that makes me think that I really do have them in check. I feel like if I didn't then I would be in a denial state and wouldn't be able to locate my emotions so easily. I feel like God has delivered me from a lot of the hurt. I don't feel like I'm in turmoil or that my life is a complete mess. I don't feel like I'm going to be a bitter old maid for my life. I have peace and hope for my future. I know that God has big plans for my life and I can rejoice in that. I find myself wondering when it's all going to come crashing down on me though. When I'm suddenly going to realize I'm not as stable as I thought. Maybe it comes in spurts and right now I'm on the upper end. But maybe next week I will go back down. I don't know. I just know that I'm constantly on guard with my emotions because I don't want to mask them. I want to heal authentically and completely. I know that I have a long way to go with my healing, I just feel hopeful, like I can find joy even through the hard times. That alone was a difficult idea even just 2 weeks ago. I'm still doing my best to take it one day at a time, but I find it so easy to take a couple at a time when the single days have been so good lately.

1 comment:

bdayley said...

That's awesome! You are doing so great and God has so much more in store for you and that sweet lil girl!