Saturday, June 4, 2011

Hey readers. How have you been? I have been without a computer for a few weeks. My netbook was infested with a nasty virus. But, it's fixed now thanks to a friend of mine. All I had to do was bring him and his fabulous family dinner. Score!

On a serious note...I've been doing a lot of thinking about my thoughts. What is that called, metacognition? Thinking about my thinking. Anyway, in the last 6 months I have not once looked back and missed my marriage. How sad is that? I would think that I would miss it, miss my husband, miss being married. Nope. My pain, anger, sadness, etc has been over what he did to me, not what I lost. I wrote out all of my loses and the main one, the lose of losing the husband himself, is actually more of a gain. What makes me sad is the realization that I never had a loving marriage. Neither of us loved each other to the core. You know that deep, solid, unconditional love, the can be seen from the outside by everyone around? That love of being on the same team, embracing each other with adoration, the pleasure of bringing joy to the other? The love that is backed by deep passion? I've loved only one person to the core romantically and that person was not my husband, not the person I created life with. What makes me sad, is seeing couples that have that "to the core love" and knowing that I didn't. Knowing that I didn't love him to the core before I married him. I loved him, but it wasn't to the core, it wasn't with every fiber of my being. I thought his claimed loyalty and my surface love would be enough. Lesson learned.

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