Monday, August 15, 2011

How Many Times Must One Trip...

Before they finally stop to remove what they are tripping over?

This is the question I've been asking myself lately. I was on this super charged high for quite a while. I was feeling Jesus around me every where I went and in all that I did and said. It was such an amazing feeling. A little over a month ago God really started to speak to me on obedience. He showed me how in my past I have lacked pure, 100% obedience and that is what lead to the collapse of my marriage. I have made every decision in my life hastily and from my own head. I have prayed, but never truly listened. I never truly heard God's voice or let the Spirit lead me. So, since the end of my marriage and after a great amount of suffering I finally surrendered all that I am and all that I have to God. Everything was going really well and I felt more alive and more complete than I had in my entire life. I was praying and receiving confirmation on every single area of my life. There was one moment in church one night where I was worshiping and I had this vision of me physically throwing all of my cares up to God while I physically felt Jesus' arms around me and His hands were holding my arms as I was tossing each care, one by one to God. It was such an amazing feeling. At that moment after my vision I felt complete peace. I still haven't felt the burden of those cares I tossed up to God. I was on this high of feeling God's presence for a while and I was feeling so good that I, somehow forgot that it takes work to keep that connection. Like in any relationship, you have to do the work to stay connected. So over a 2 week period I began to lose that feeling. God was there alright, nudging me. I let Satan get in yet again. I failed to let God write my life plan and began to make my own decisions again. About a month ago God really spoke to me about letting Him write the story of my life. He gave me visions of how my life would be if I let Him do the writing. It was a beautiful story. One I was so excited to be a part of. In fact, I started journaling the story because it was just that amazing. God clearly told me that if I was not obedient then He would pull the plug on this beautiful story. I am not sure where my head was, but when I started taking the control back of my own life God truly did strip that story from my heart. He removed all the signs and evidence of this story ever coming true. I was knocked right on my butt. I was devastated to say the least. I was again brought before God and questioned on my obedience. I had to answer to God about that and I FINALLY understand that when God told me to be obedient, He really did mean it. I am ready to put my own strength behind me and truly surrender all that I have and all that I am to God for the last time! I am ready to give my self and my selfish desires up for a life written by God. I have no idea if the original story will be brought back. God did say it would come true if I was obedient and I was not. So, time will only tell if He will bring that back to me if I make this turn around and keep myself connected to Jesus. I pray He does bring it back. But, I do know that He alone knows best. I will find joy in whatever God brings me in my life.

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