Thursday, November 29, 2012

The Way It Is

I haven't posted in ages because I really haven't had too many good things to say, I don't have Internet at home, and I haven't had a phone with a working camera in a while. After thinking long and hard about posting I decided that it would be better to post than to not because maybe others can share their experiences or I might be able to bring someone else comfort if they are struggling like I'm struggling. So here goes...

I have so many things to be thankful for. I have my health, clothes to wear, a full time job, people who love me. But life right now just sucks. The biggest areas I'm struggling with is my child, my finances, and my anxiety. That pretty much has a trickle effect on everything else.

Where I'm at with the little one...
She has always been a super intelligent being. She is very aware of what is going on around her. She picks up on things quickly, and she is the strongest willed child I think I've ever encountered. She is incredibly vocal and I'm very passive which makes it hard for me to fully relate to her. She is a mess behaviorally, throws the biggest fits, says the meanest things.."I'm going to squeeze the blood out of your body" "you are stupid" "you are not a good mommy" "you are nothing" " never going to see you again" I'm never going to live you again" "you are never going to be my mommy again, only Jessica (dad's girlfriend) is". She hits, bites, kicks, even spits in my face. I've tried the love and logic method, I've tried breaking her will. I'm out of ideas. We started counseling in hopes of getting some help. Her counselor said that she is just super intelligent and has a very strong will so we are going to start a therapy for both of us in hopes of equipping me with some skills to channel her behaviors and we will go from there. She has also been getting migraines and headaches. Headaches come almost daily so we are working with her doctor to try and figure out the cause of the headaches/migraines. Hopefully there is a link between her migraines and behaviors and we can come up with a way to prevent them.

My finances...I have a full time job that I absolutely love. It's a hard and very demanding job at times but its very rewarding and not a day goes by I don't leave feeling like I made a difference. But, it just doesn't pay enough. I live a simple life, we have an apartment, we don't go out to eat, shoot I can't even tell you the last time I bought a bottle of wine and I would love some Merlot! We just don't buy things we don't need. The right rear blinker in my car has been out for months. In addition to my full time, 40 hour a week job I also nanny 7-10 hours a week and I donate plasma as much as my schedule allows. But I still can't seem to pay my bills. My student loans stress me out. I just don't have money to pay them. I've exhausted all options for forbearances and deferments. They call and call and I still don't have the money. It stresses me out and makes me sick to my stomach. I have loads of doctor bills that I can't keep up on. I'm just at a loss.

These two significant challenges has brought on more anxiety in me than I have had since 2 years ago. I have been having anxiety attacks that just plague me and no one to help with Lily when they happen so I just leave her to fend for herself until they are over or do the best I can to pretend to function while they are happening. No one to hug me or comfort me, to tell me it's going to be ok when I'm in the midst of an attack. I've been depressed and couch ridden because I have a hard time coping.

Life just sucks right now. That is all.

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