Christmas Eve we spent together as a family as well. Christmas morning the same. My mom had been sick so she stayed home while my brother, Lily and I went to my cousins for our annual family Christmas brunch. Lily was picked up at noon by her father where she spent the remainder of the day with him and his family, along with his girlfriend and her daughter but, that's beside the point. Anyway, my brother and I stayed a while at my cousins house just talking with them. After we went and picked up my mom and the 3 of us went and saw a movie. I don't think I've ever seen a movie on Christmas Day before. It was fun, different from the norm. We saw True Grit, with Matt Damon. It was good, I kinda want to see the original.
Lily was abundantly blessed this year with gifts. She got a few movies, her first CD, a nice sherpa lined hoodie, a Build-A-Bear kit, some hand puppets, dress-up clothes, her first Bible, and a Bible Story book, a pair of Twinkle Toe boots from our cousin, a bunch of other random little things, and her 2 big gifts were a rocking horse and a Power Quad. Most of this was because my mom gave me some money to get her some nice gifts this year. My mom has been a true blessing in all of this and I can't imagine going through any of this without her. She has been more than generous, she's been supportive in every way and I cannot thank her enough for how she has helped me.
Now that Christmas is over I am ready to start the New Year. This New Year means more to me than any other New Year that has come up. 2011 means a fresh, new start; a second chance. Truth be told, I was unhappy in my marriage. I loved my husband, I loved the family that we had created but, he was disconnected from me and I felt the elephant in the room at all times. He has always been a bitter, unhappy person and that had an impact on me. There were times where I was unhappy because I couldn't figure out why he was unhappy and he never tried to share with me what was in his heart. So many things could have been fixed if he had just opened up to me. But, you can't fix what you don't know is broken. I loved him despite all of his negativity. I defended him to so many, I defended him to my own self. He was so many things that I didn't want for a husband but, I loved him regardless. I should have known that love isn't enough. Throughout my marriage I had prayed continually that God was change our marriage, that God would make it better. Nothing changed in my husband except for the fact that somewhere over the last 4 or so months he fell in love with someone else. Now, I wouldn't qualify what he was feeling as true love because I don't believe he actually knows what love is. As soon as this emotional attachment took place, I knew in my heart that my marriage was over. I suppose if I hadn't taken a stand on the relationship he had with this girl, I would still be with him but, I am not that woman. So, I'm at a very new season of my life, one that I never thought would be written. I thought I would be married to my husband for my lifetime. I did vow to love, honor, and cherish him until death do us part. I had every intention of keeping that vow but, God says that I have a Biblical out to my marriage and I don't see the point in staying married to someone who claims to be in love with another and is living with that other, someone who also told me that I, in fact, did NOT deserve to be loved, honored, and cherished by my spouse. Am I that terrible of a person? I didn't think I was.
So, I get to start over. I get to look at my life and decide what is worth keeping and what is worth getting rid of. Both tangibly and spiritually. When something like this happens to a person you go through a period of needing to be validated by others. So, for the first 2 weeks I felt the urge to find someone new immediately to feel loved again. Of course I know that that thinking is completely irrational and unhealthy but, it's natural. I had accountability in that area and it passed pretty quickly. I've learned that I don't need male validation, that I AM desirable, that I need to worry about ME and my daughter, and that right now nothing else matters. I need to get up on my feet, I need to provide stability for my child, to teach her all of the things that a good mother, a God fearing mother needs to teach her child. I just need to live and find joy in my life. So, I've created goals for myself and a routine for myself. My goals are as follows:
- Cultivate my relationship with Christ by having daily devotions without any distractions.
- Reach the second half of my weight loss goal by June. I've lost 40+ pounds and I want to lose another 40. I have a whole plan of how I'm going to lose the second half but, it will need to be in a post of it's own.
- Stick to my weekly/daily schedule. I've created a schedule for Lily and I to follow. It's mostly for me because the only person I have to keep me accountable for my time is me. This will also created more balance in my life so, I will be able to include all of the things that I love doing and incorporate time to find new things to enjoy or rediscover old things I enjoyed in my past. It will also allow me to be fully engaged in what I'm doing in that moment. So, my time will be more quality.
- Spend the time I have with Lily with a purpose. There are many different purposes such as teaching academic lessons, doing arts and crafts, music, dance, teaching the little life lessons, reading stories from the bible and other books as well, simply having a great conversations, imaginative play, cooking, baking, etc, etc. I believe that I will learn so much from spending each moment with her with a purpose. My time with her will be even more limited because she will have designated time with her father. So, I need to make sure that I'm not just with her when we are together.
- Have designated ME time that isn't spent in front of the computer on facebook. I'm going to be working on myself a lot over the next year spiritually, physically, and mentally. I will need to cultivate the relationship I have with myself while I'm cultivating my relationship with Christ. I want to find one or maybe a few active things to do that I LOVE doing. That I own as a hobby. I really like running so, I know that will be one of them. I want something else though, like rock climbing, canoeing, hiking, golfing, dancing, karate, something. My options are endless! I want to take the year to figure out what it is that I want to own.
- I want to grow my knowledge base. I want to read and do research and just know things and be educated. I believe I am educated now but, I believe that I'm also a bit naive when it comes to many, many things. I want to gain wisdom in all areas so, I'm able to make clear-minded decisions, and see the truth.
- I want to keep a clean house. Not much to say about this category. I just think that if my house is clean, my mind will be clean. I want to be able to have people over at any time and if my house is messy, I won't feel comfortable doing that.
- Rediscover myself in all areas. As I start doing all things with a specific purpose I think I will start realizing what is the most important things to me and what I want to give up. I think there have been many things I've done for the wrong reasons and I want to make sure that all I am doing is pleasing to the Lord and pleasing to myself. This even goes to my style of physical appearance in my clothes and hair and my home decorations.