Tuesday, February 15, 2011

We are alive and that is about all we are at the moment or at least that is about all I am at the moment. We got moved into our new house and love it. It's cozy and cute and what I've been wanting out of a house. It has so much that my old house didn't have for over $300 cheaper. We are doing our best to get settled in. It's actually in pretty good shape. I don't have boxes all over the place. Just all over the basement and 2 in my bedroom. There are things that are annoying me, but I don't seem to be able to get them taken care of and that is having to rewire my dryer so I can actually do laundry. I've taken my clothes to my mom's house to wash them. The other is putting my window treatments (rods included) up in my bedroom. Getting dressed is annoying and the security light out front that blares into my room in the middle of the night because a cat walks into the yard annoys me too, but there are too many more important matters to focus on.

Aside from my new house I have my old house I'm still dealing with. It needs to be cleaned somewhat. Garbage needs to be taken out and so does the rest of my "husband's" crap.

I have a lot of paperwork to complete. Well it's mostly done. I'm just getting hung up on it and I can't figure out why. I don't know if the reason I give is accurate, which is the fact that I don't have a steady income that is the same every month so I don't know what to put for how much I make or if it's because once it's done it's done and there is no turning back, absolutely no hope. Not that I want to turn back and not that I'm hoping. Maybe I'm just holding on to something that just doesn't exist and the moment I let go is the moment I have to face that it will never exist again. I don't know. Either way, I'm having a hard time completing this paperwork and it just needs to get done. But it overwhelms me.

Needless to say I'm feeling really overwhelmed. I just want to run away and hide. I'm tired of being pulled in so many directions by so many people about getting this and that and the other done. My brain has shut down and I can't seem to function to get any of it done let alone my daily living tasks or any of my resolutions for that matter. I just feel like I can only do so much and asking me to do more than just live, just keep breathing, is asking me to do too much. I KNOW I have a lot to do, trust me I know and it stresses me out to the max, but my mind and my body are cloudy. Not to mention the fact that I work every single day. I mean, I did have Monday off, but that was after a TWELVE day stretch of working full days. I'm tired, exhausted and my body is seriously run down. I don't know how much longer I will be able to handle anything without self-combusting.

I know I shouldn't get ahead of myself, but half of my problem is my thoughts. My thoughts alone stress me out enough to cause me an ulcer so I think maybe I will just put them out there. I struggle with the disillusionment of my marriage. I know that divorce is not what God intends. I also know that I have God's acceptance in divorce. I struggle with wanting what God intends. For a couple days just recently I felt like I should hold on a little more to honor God's intentions. I found myself wondering if God's intentions for my marriage are still the same today in spite of all that has happened or if God says it's time to move on too. I know that He will accept whatever I decide but, what does He intend and how hard should I work at honoring those intentions even though they are not what I want. I don't want to have the marriage that I did have nor do I want the type of marriage it would be if we did reconcile. Always working, always wondering, trying beyond measure to gain trust back. Not to mention accepting back into my life what I didn't like before. The laziness, the inconsideration, the selfishness, the lack of emotion, the constant need for jokes, the brick wall that never comes down, the constant need to defend his poor attitude to others, or the random "migraines" that just happen to show up on important days, the yelling at the animals and yes, at Lily too for the most stupid things, the need to always have the tv on, the never being aloud to dance or even sing and let's not get into the issues I had with his family or his extra curricular activities or his lack of relationship with Christ. But, if God's intentions are for us to be a family, than shouldn't I want that same thing or at least want to honor God's intentions and make them my own? I know that Adam is at the point where he says he doesn't want to work it out. He has said that for a while now, but deep down I feel like he doesn't want things to be this way and that is why he is constantly mean to me. This really isn't about what He wants. It's about what I want and what God wants. So two days after I was thinking this he does something else to show me how deceptive he is. He lied to me about something that I am quite passionate about. I trusted him and his word, even though I had absolutely no reason to trust him since he has destroyed all the trust that I ever did have. But, this had to do with our daughter, so I thought maybe it was different. Wrong, dead wrong. He just doesn't stop lying to me. After all that he had done, why do I even bother? I think it comes down to me hanging on to the life I had and being uncertain of what the future will hold for me. But, looking at this moment and every moment that has happened over the last 6 or so months it's time I make a decision and make it once and for all. I think I will feel better once it's all said and done. I think I will feel better not holding on to something or someone that makes me feel wretched inside day after day after day. I've gone round and round about this, but my final conclusion is that I have God's acceptance and I need to focus on accepting the decision myself. I need to let go and trust that God has my future mapped out and He knows what is best for me, but also what the desires of my heart are. He knows that I long to be a wife to someone who loves me, that I long to have more children, that I love to care for someone and spend my life with someone. I will be praying for peace a long the way, because there is a possibility that He may not want me to be a wife or bring any more children into the world. Many people tell me that they believe I will find love again, that someone will come into my life and sweep me off my feet. I would like to have faith in that, but I need to be honest and accept that there are no guarantees but that living a life on my own and happy will be far better than holding on to what I have now. I think that is what I need peace with the most.

I am not going to waver any longer. I am going to finish my paperwork and file for a divorce. No holding back, no excuses. It's going to get done and it's going to get done by the end of the week. I have Friday off and I'm going to march into my lawyer's office and turn my paperwork in.

So let's take a pole...who thinks it's a good idea or at least tolerable for a 2 year old child to sleep on a mattress in the same bedroom as her daddy and his girlfriend? If I had a new husband or believed in sleeping with a boyfriend, I know full well, my daughter would not be able to sleep in my room. It's different when the 2 people are her parents. What do you think? Am I just being overbearing? I know that God has her and He will not allow harm to come to her but, what kind of harm is that doing to her? What kind of message does that send? What are your thoughts? If I'm wrong or you think different than me on the subject matter please let me know. I would love to hear another side, another perspective.

On another note, I'm trying to get Lily back into her own bed. She started sleeping with me when we moved into my mom's. The deal is she gets a fish of her very own if she sleeps in her own bed. So, for valentines day I got her a tank and everything that is needed for a fish. Last night she was so excited about it that she begged to sleep in her own bed. When it came down to it, she wanted to sleep in mommy's bed. I pushed it and ended up rocking her until she fell asleep in my arms and put her in her bed. She slept for about half the night and then woke up confused calling for me so she came into bed with me. I kept waking up to check on my sweet girl and she was just laying in my bed, asleep with a smile on her face. The smile remained there on her sweet face for the duration of the night. I don't mind that at all, her waking up and coming into bed with me. It's just that I want to be able to put her in bed and be able to come back out and get something done or have some me time to decompress from the days happenings. So, my dilemma is if I should get her a fish or not. She did sleep in her own bed after I rocked her to sleep and only for half the night. Fish or no fish? The tank is ready to go though and it looks like such a good home for a new family pet.

And if you are still reading at this point well, you are a good and loyal reader. Thank you for that!


Zack said...

I think its very wrong for that to happen to lily he should have more consideration for his daughter then to subject her to that. I know alittle of what you are going through. Zack and 8 were separated 2 summers ago now and he got a new gf as I was seeing someone for a few weeks and nothing ate at me more then when boone went on visitation and the unknowing of what he was doing with zack. Then having the new girl around him, he didn't understand why it wasn't mommy and I'm sure he doesn't remember he was almost 2 but this has to be a transition and if it comes up where you don't think he's putting lily first then talk to your lawyer and a judge and put that point out there. This is a difficult road and I'm very sorry, its going to eat you up and will make you sad a lot. I completly understand you not having energy for anything cause just thinking completly exhausts you. I say get lily her fish and start your new life together. Keep faith cause that's going to get you through those nights, keep thinking ahead and not what if or of what could of been, instead think of what's going to be and what you can do now. Ill be thinking of you. Xoxo

Terra said...

Holly... you said it right there. I think God would love for you to have a marriage with someone who values a relationship with Christ just as much as you do.
Now for Lily... In my opinion, that is not acceptable. I mean, do they only live in a one bedroom house? Doesn't she also have a daughter? Where does she sleep? I would rather have Lily in a room with her, than in a room with them. And yes, I would bring those concerns up with your lawyer.
Give Lily some time. She will get back to her bed. Just continue to work with her, and put her in her room every night. The more she gets comfortable with her new surroundings, the easier it will be.
Just keep looking and moving forward. And dont forget to dream. You've got the whole world in front of you now, a life all your own to do whatever you please. Surround yourself with the people and things that make you happy. You go ahead and dance and sing! I'm rooting for you all the way!

Anonymous said...

Holly, I jsut wanted to tell you how much i appreciate this post!!! I am going through alot of the same emotions and conflicts in my head right now. One i just wanna say that as moms we have every right to make decisions reagarding not only who gets to be around our children, But also in what capacity they are around them. I am also in the begining stages of filing for divirce, and althogh we have been seperated for over a year now I am having doubts and insecurities about where it will all lead or if its right.. It is horrible that you have to go through all of this, But I appreciate that you are willing to put it out there so that maybe others can learn from you and perhaps make better decisions in their own lives. Thank you so much!!!

Kim said...

Oh Holly! I don't even know what to say. I know that just hearing me say it won't be enough to make you feel better. I wish that I could come over and rewire your dryer for you and hang your window treatments, but if you can't figure it out I'm sure I'm completely useless!

As for Adam I wish I could find a way to help you get through to him. What he is doing not just to Lily but to you is not only unacceptable but just plain awful. The fact that after being married to you for as long as he was and having a child with you and then raising that child for two years seems to mean nothing to him makes me want to beat some sense into him. The same way that making decisions about Lily and her well being was something that you both got to decide when you lived together, is the way that it should be now. If he wants to do something big he should talk it over with you first. Show you the same courtesy that you show him. You shouldn't have to be making all of the decisions about Lily and her well being on your own. He is her Dad and he should be putting what is best for HER, and not his girlfriend and him or whoever else, first. It is most definitely inappropriate for Lily to be sleeping with him and his girlfriend. It goes against everything that you both have been teaching her since she was born. All of the values that you guys decided were important to both of you and he just decided on a whim to completely forget about. I would be enraged and just as upset as you are about this. You are right, it is different when those two people are her parents vs one of them being the reason her parents are no longer together. I hate that he is putting both you and Lily in this position. It is completely selfish of him

If I were you, I would get Lily the fish. She'll be excited about it. Plus you could always use the fish to help encourage her to sleep in her own bed. Maybe keep it in her room and every morning that she wakes up in her bed she gets to feed it all by herself as a reward and the mornings that she wakes up in your bed you feed it? I always thought that feeding the fish is the most exciting part anyways! Then she gets to have the fish for trying and she gets rewarded regularly for sleeping in her room. If it makes you feel any better though, Preston still doesn't sleep in his room! Shhh don't tell! :)

I believe that God gave you this out because not only does he want you to be happy but that you deserve to be happy as well.

Fill out your papers and send them in. For me the longer that I waited on it the worse I would feel. Plus I hate thinking that Adam might think that he has the upperhand in any way. Show him that you will be just fine without him. One day when his mistress moves on to someone else, he will regret that he lost his family because he was unwilling to fight to keep them.

And when everything settles down and after you get some much earned and needed downtime, we need to get together so that you can have some time to relax and just hang out. Be it a playdate or a girl's night, I think it's safe to say you've definitely earned one or two or a million!