We are alive and that is about all we are at the moment or at least that is about all I am at the moment. We got moved into our new house and love it. It's cozy and cute and what I've been wanting out of a house. It has so much that my old house didn't have for over $300 cheaper. We are doing our best to get settled in. It's actually in pretty good shape. I don't have boxes all over the place. Just all over the basement and 2 in my bedroom. There are things that are annoying me, but I don't seem to be able to get them taken care of and that is having to rewire my dryer so I can actually do laundry. I've taken my clothes to my mom's house to wash them. The other is putting my window treatments (rods included) up in my bedroom. Getting dressed is annoying and the security light out front that blares into my room in the middle of the night because a cat walks into the yard annoys me too, but there are too many more important matters to focus on.
Aside from my new house I have my old house I'm still dealing with. It needs to be cleaned somewhat. Garbage needs to be taken out and so does the rest of my "husband's" crap.
I have a lot of paperwork to complete. Well it's mostly done. I'm just getting hung up on it and I can't figure out why. I don't know if the reason I give is accurate, which is the fact that I don't have a steady income that is the same every month so I don't know what to put for how much I make or if it's because once it's done it's done and there is no turning back, absolutely no hope. Not that I want to turn back and not that I'm hoping. Maybe I'm just holding on to something that just doesn't exist and the moment I let go is the moment I have to face that it will never exist again. I don't know. Either way, I'm having a hard time completing this paperwork and it just needs to get done. But it overwhelms me.
Needless to say I'm feeling really overwhelmed. I just want to run away and hide. I'm tired of being pulled in so many directions by so many people about getting this and that and the other done. My brain has shut down and I can't seem to function to get any of it done let alone my daily living tasks or any of my resolutions for that matter. I just feel like I can only do so much and asking me to do more than just live, just keep breathing, is asking me to do too much. I KNOW I have a lot to do, trust me I know and it stresses me out to the max, but my mind and my body are cloudy. Not to mention the fact that I work every single day. I mean, I did have Monday off, but that was after a TWELVE day stretch of working full days. I'm tired, exhausted and my body is seriously run down. I don't know how much longer I will be able to handle anything without self-combusting.
I know I shouldn't get ahead of myself, but half of my problem is my thoughts. My thoughts alone stress me out enough to cause me an ulcer so I think maybe I will just put them out there. I struggle with the disillusionment of my marriage. I know that divorce is not what God intends. I also know that I have God's acceptance in divorce. I struggle with wanting what God intends. For a couple days just recently I felt like I should hold on a little more to honor God's intentions. I found myself wondering if God's intentions for my marriage are still the same today in spite of all that has happened or if God says it's time to move on too. I know that He will accept whatever I decide but, what does He intend and how hard should I work at honoring those intentions even though they are not what I want. I don't want to have the marriage that I did have nor do I want the type of marriage it would be if we did reconcile. Always working, always wondering, trying beyond measure to gain trust back. Not to mention accepting back into my life what I didn't like before. The laziness, the inconsideration, the selfishness, the lack of emotion, the constant need for jokes, the brick wall that never comes down, the constant need to defend his poor attitude to others, or the random "migraines" that just happen to show up on important days, the yelling at the animals and yes, at Lily too for the most stupid things, the need to always have the tv on, the never being aloud to dance or even sing and let's not get into the issues I had with his family or his extra curricular activities or his lack of relationship with Christ. But, if God's intentions are for us to be a family, than shouldn't I want that same thing or at least want to honor God's intentions and make them my own? I know that Adam is at the point where he says he doesn't want to work it out. He has said that for a while now, but deep down I feel like he doesn't want things to be this way and that is why he is constantly mean to me. This really isn't about what He wants. It's about what I want and what God wants. So two days after I was thinking this he does something else to show me how deceptive he is. He lied to me about something that I am quite passionate about. I trusted him and his word, even though I had absolutely no reason to trust him since he has destroyed all the trust that I ever did have. But, this had to do with our daughter, so I thought maybe it was different. Wrong, dead wrong. He just doesn't stop lying to me. After all that he had done, why do I even bother? I think it comes down to me hanging on to the life I had and being uncertain of what the future will hold for me. But, looking at this moment and every moment that has happened over the last 6 or so months it's time I make a decision and make it once and for all. I think I will feel better once it's all said and done. I think I will feel better not holding on to something or someone that makes me feel wretched inside day after day after day. I've gone round and round about this, but my final conclusion is that I have God's acceptance and I need to focus on accepting the decision myself. I need to let go and trust that God has my future mapped out and He knows what is best for me, but also what the desires of my heart are. He knows that I long to be a wife to someone who loves me, that I long to have more children, that I love to care for someone and spend my life with someone. I will be praying for peace a long the way, because there is a possibility that He may not want me to be a wife or bring any more children into the world. Many people tell me that they believe I will find love again, that someone will come into my life and sweep me off my feet. I would like to have faith in that, but I need to be honest and accept that there are no guarantees but that living a life on my own and happy will be far better than holding on to what I have now. I think that is what I need peace with the most.
I am not going to waver any longer. I am going to finish my paperwork and file for a divorce. No holding back, no excuses. It's going to get done and it's going to get done by the end of the week. I have Friday off and I'm going to march into my lawyer's office and turn my paperwork in.
So let's take a pole...who thinks it's a good idea or at least tolerable for a 2 year old child to sleep on a mattress in the same bedroom as her daddy and his girlfriend? If I had a new husband or believed in sleeping with a boyfriend, I know full well, my daughter would not be able to sleep in my room. It's different when the 2 people are her parents. What do you think? Am I just being overbearing? I know that God has her and He will not allow harm to come to her but, what kind of harm is that doing to her? What kind of message does that send? What are your thoughts? If I'm wrong or you think different than me on the subject matter please let me know. I would love to hear another side, another perspective.
On another note, I'm trying to get Lily back into her own bed. She started sleeping with me when we moved into my mom's. The deal is she gets a fish of her very own if she sleeps in her own bed. So, for valentines day I got her a tank and everything that is needed for a fish. Last night she was so excited about it that she begged to sleep in her own bed. When it came down to it, she wanted to sleep in mommy's bed. I pushed it and ended up rocking her until she fell asleep in my arms and put her in her bed. She slept for about half the night and then woke up confused calling for me so she came into bed with me. I kept waking up to check on my sweet girl and she was just laying in my bed, asleep with a smile on her face. The smile remained there on her sweet face for the duration of the night. I don't mind that at all, her waking up and coming into bed with me. It's just that I want to be able to put her in bed and be able to come back out and get something done or have some me time to decompress from the days happenings. So, my dilemma is if I should get her a fish or not. She did sleep in her own bed after I rocked her to sleep and only for half the night. Fish or no fish? The tank is ready to go though and it looks like such a good home for a new family pet.
And if you are still reading at this point well, you are a good and loyal reader. Thank you for that!